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Completely Ignorant CFP Championship Preview

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Introduction

I am not as adverse to college football as to the NFL. While the NFL has become a predictable mess of “follow the leader” college is almost 40 worthless bowl games between teams that have almost nothing in common. College football is wearing blue and gold because you spent half a semester skipping classes at Pitt 25 years ago. College football is selling out a 100,000+ seat stadium for a game between two barely .500 teams in the middle of a December snow storm simply because it is rivalry week.

Sure, there are just as many concussions as in the NFL, the players aren’t compensated, and 90+% of them won’t see the money that the NFL promises, but let’s not talk too much about that. Instead, let’s revel for one last game, the national championship which features two schools that Google Maps tells me are less than 300 miles apart. That’s a bit like the World Series between two teams in the USA. Okay, enough snark.

As of that was even possible.

Alabama

Alabama is in the unfamiliar position of coming into this game as the lower ranked team. I doubt that necessarily makes them the underdog though. Sure, their road to this game was not as Alabama like as previous seasons. They only lost one game, their last one against Auburn. that was enough to keep them out of the SEC Championship and my friend wrongly hoped, the CFP. I played along with his silly delusion. Ultimately, I knew the voters would never keep Alabama out if they could help it.

And, sure enough, there they were at #4. This time it was my turn to suffer silly delusions. I thought that the injuries and inconsistencies might finally catch up to them and Clemson would roll the Tide. I forgot about the fact that Nick Saban had a month to prepare for this game. I wrote that the NFL is boring and college offers some entertainment. That’s only during the regular and toilet bowl seasons. Once you get to the playoffs, Bama is New England and every one else is fighting for runner up.

Eff the Pats.

What Does Alabama Bring to the Game?

So, of course, the Tide were the ones who rolled. They dominated Clemson in a way that only a Nick Saban led team can. Their defense smothered Clemson’s potentially dangerous offense and they did just enough themselves on offense not to sabotage the clear victory. Alabama is in the title game for the 3rd straight time and 6th overall. The BCS championship game has only been in existence for 11 years. Ugh.

While last year’s team offered 8 All Americans, only 3 Crimson Tide players were named this year. Even so, they found a way to scrape together a season in which they only lost one game, put together one of the most unpredictable blowouts of the semifinal round in recent history, and they’ve only lost 2 out of their last 40 games or something like that. Alabama is a machine. It’s just that this year they needed a bit more from the oil can.

Eff the Tide? Nah, just eff this guy.

Georgia

Alabama and Clemson have become such staples in the National Championship picture that I wrote Clemson up there and had to delete it to write Georgia. I have a Facebook friend that I met in World of Warcraft many years ago who is a Georgia alum. Unlike me, who barely remembers my time at UMass, that seems like a big deal to him. He’s always posting about the games, including pictures of his family attending and this year was no different. Since my childhood team of Pitt seems content to be an academic school with a mid-major mindset regarding athletics, it has been fun to live vicariously through him.

Georgia’s path to the big game seems to have gone more smoothly than Alabama’s. Admittedly, I hate watch Alabama weekly and only get my UGA news from that friend. Sure, I could do research, but I’ll leave that to the “experts”. Instead, I will stick with my gut feeling. Ah, hell, now I feel guilty. I looked up their schedule. It definitely looked like an easier road for Georgia.

What Does Georgia Bring to the Game?

Like Alabama, Georgia only lost one game against Auburn. Unlike Alabama, they got a chance for revenge in the SEC Championship. Like Alabama, I thought that Georgia would get beaten handily by Oklahoma. I got to look like a genius for about a half. Then, some crazy stuff happened, followed by some crazier stuff, and culminating in an insane comeback win for the Dawgs.

Georgia had two players named to the AP All American team. I only know the names of the running backs and that’s just because I learned them while glancing at the ESPN GameCenter every few minutes in their game against Oklahoma. In my “research” of glancing at their schedule for a minute or two, I saw a lot of high point spreads for many of the games. They might be playing the scrappy underdog to Alabama’s juggernaut. But, they are no slouch of a team.

Is that Jake from State Farm?

The Pick

I lamented last year that it seemed like a year for evil to win. After heartwarming stories in the NHL, NBA, and MLB, there was the election and later the Patriots (they were still a month away, but virtually inevitable). I figured that Alabama would just ride that wave to a repeat win. Obviously, that didn’t happen. Clemson gave us a new hope.

Continuing with the obvious metaphor, that makes this the year that The Empire Strikes Back and an Alabama win. Honestly, though, independent of last week’s results, I might have been persuaded to pick Georgia and prolong the Alabama miser one more year. However, after “watching” last week’s games, I just think that even in this down year, Alabama is still the team to beat. Georgia doesn’t look like the team to be able to do it. In addition, similar to Bill Belichick, no former Nick Saban assistant has returned to beat “the man”.

And, to be the man…
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Completely Ignorant NFL Wild Card Weekend Preview

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Introduction

As part of my annual awakening and post to the web page, I have picked the NFL Wild Card games each year. One of my shticks is that I go into the games as ignorant as possible. Since I stopped watching the NFL weekly about 10 years ago, that isn’t much of a problem. My research only consists of listening to the Bill Simmons Podcast with Cousin Sal weekly and watching the games on Thanksgiving. This year is no different.

Another idea that I got last year or the year before was to have a coin (actually a coin flipping simulator run 100 times) named George (because he’s a quarter, see) choose the games. I hate that we’ve made sports into such a big deal in this country that people can make money talking about them as if they have more or better insight than the people at home. If I can show that a flipped coin can have just as much, if not more success, than those on television, maybe it will invalidate them. Rage against the machine!

The Picks

Bills at Jaguars (Sunday at 1:05 pm): The Bills made the playoffs on the last day, sparing us the idiot talking heads discussing the Peterman/Taylor decision. Until Christmas, all I knew about the Jags is that Blake Bortles is the quarterback. I will forever love and be indebted to him for winning a fantasy league and then never being invited back. I think it’s a better story if Buffalo wins, at least for a weekend because they’ll be destroyed by the Pats. Instead, I think they’ll save us the false hope and get destroyed by the Jaguars this weekend. George’s Pick: He’s fairly confident that the Jags will win, too. Bills 46, Jaguars 54.

Falcons at Rams (Saturday at 8:15pm): With a rookie head coach and essentially a rookie quarterback, nobody saw the Rams coming this year. The Falcons ping ponged up and down all season, finally sneaking into the playoffs with an impressive 10-6 record. The Falcons would like revenge for their collapse in the Super Bowl last year. The Rams are playing a home game with house money. I think I like the Rams story better than the Falcons. Besides, with UGA in the championship, I don’t think I could stand Georgia being the center of the football universe for a month. Whatever happens, this will be a high scoring game. George’s Pick: He disagrees, firmly, with me and wants to see the Falcons get revenge. Falcons 56, Rams 44.

Titans at Chiefs (Saturday at 4:35 pm): This is the “who cares” bowl for me. If the Jags win, like I think they will, then the winner of this game plays the Patriots for the right to go to the AFC Championship. I guess the Chiefs are better in that scenario because they beat the Pats earlier in the season. However, the Titans winning this game and the next, plus the Jags beating the Steelers appeals to the chaos lover in me. I will go with the Chiefs on the slim chance that they catch the Pats on a bad day next week. George’s Pick: Apparently George is an anarchist and wants to see the whole NFL break down. Titans 51, Chiefs 49.

Panthers at Saints (Sunday at 4:40 pm): Too bad this one is happening this weekend. This would have been a great NFC Championship. Sure, it stinks to have only one division represented in the championship round, but they are always the most fun games. Like the Rams, the Saints are a bit of a surprise, while the Panthers succeeded in spite of their owner resigning (somehow rather quietly) amid, for lack of a better word, weird allegations. I think I like the Saints in this one. George’s Pick: George is picking another road team. Panthers 56, Saints 44.

Wrap Up

Join us next Friday as we post mortem these games and prepare for the Steelers and Patriots to win, set up a rematch, and watch the Pats walk into the Super Bowl again. God, the NFL is so boring.

On the Tabletop

APBA Baseball Replay: 1933 MLB vs. Negro League All-Stars

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(Note: I don’t feel comfortable using the term Negro League, even though it may be historically accurate. Therefore, aside from the title and in this explanation, I will refer to the team as NeL. )

(Note:  The image at the top of the page is courtesy of http://apbagames.com)

Introduction

During my search for free or affordable cards for my APBA baseball game, I had to go no farther than the actual web page itself. They have some accessories for the game like scoresheets and a way to figure out how fatigue might affect pitchers. There wasn’t much in the way of actual cards, but what was there caught my eye and got me to thinking. They have the all-star teams for Major League and NeL baseball from 1933.

I think I mentioned in my article last night that I’ve heard all of the stories about the NeL players. In some cases, as I learned during my modicum of research on Baseball Reference, all we have are stories for some of these players. Look, I know that I’m just a hippie, leftist, snowflake, but it seems like an absolute travesty what has been done to African Americans in this country. Every time I think that I’ve found the bottom, I have to kick over the barrel and dig a little deeper.

Well, I wanted to put these stories to the test, so to speak. It’s not that I found them unbelievable. I mainly just wanted to witness it for myself. More recently, I found a page that has the cards for the 1871 National Association season (a precursor to MLB), so I went to Baseball Reference for some information and found way more for what amounts to a MLB prehistoric league than for the NeL in 1933. That’s shameful. Well, thanks to simulation, justice can at least be minimally served with regards to sports.

 

So, what happened in the games? Well, let’s find out. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t excited about this.

Game 1 (NeL 8, MLB 2)

The first game of the series started off close with the score 4-2 after 6 innings. Then the NeL exploded for 4 runs in the 7th inning and closed out the game for an 8-2 victory. Their pitcher, Bill Foster, who will turn out to play a massive role in the series, shut down the MLB team. Even though he was a bit wild with 7 walks, he only allowed 4 hits and struck out 5. The MLB 3-8, a group that includes Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, hitters went a combined 0-13. It was an inconsistent, but still dominating performance.

Meanwhile, the NeL team got 13 hits, including 2 homeruns, 4 doubles, and a triple. While just as dominant at the plate as their pitcher was on the mound, they were no less inconsistent in the field. They had 3 errors, though only one proved costly and drove in a run. Overall, a great start to the series.

Player of the Game: This was a tough one. Walter Davis, RF, 2-5, 2B, HR, 2RBI, 1 Run. Could have been Oscar Charleston, 1B, 2-4, HR, 2 RBI, 2 Run, 1 BB.

Game 2 (NeL 6, MLB 3)

This game was close as well. The NeL led 4-3 after a 2 run 6th for the MLB and a scoreless 7th. It looked like the MLB might steal one before the NeL scored a run each in the 8th and 9th to close it out. While the bottom of the order picked things up, including an important pitch hit by Chick Hafey for the pitcher in that 2 run 6th, the top of the order was 0-17, including a collar in 3 AB with 2 Ks for the Bambino.

NeL starting pitcher, Sam Streeter, got tossed in the 5th inning for arguing balls and strikes. On short rest, Bill Foster came into relief. Even though he looked shaky in the 5th and 6th, he settled down to close out the last three innings and seal another important win.

While not quite the offensive explosion of game 1, the NeL batters put together more than enough offense. Just like in game 1, they spread the wealth around as no batter got more than 2 of their 9 hits.

Player of the Game: Bolstered by his game 1 and game 2 consistency, Oscar Charleston, 1B, 2-4, 2B, 2 RBI, 2 Run.

Game 3 (NeL 7, MLB 4)

In a do or die game 3, the MLB manager shook things up by batting Chick Hafey for Babe Ruth and shuffling his lineup. It looked like a good move as MLB charged out to a 3-0 lead in the first 5 innings. A 2 run 6th for the NeL gave the game the flavor of the series as it was close late. A 4 run explosion by the NeL in the 7th brought back memories of game 1. MLB started a comeback in the 8th, loading the bases and scoring a run, but that’s all they would get for the rest of the game. The NeL got back an insurance run in the bottom of the 8th and a scoreless 9th for MLB ended the game and the series.

Even though Chick Hafey performed no better than the Babe had, going 0-4 with 3 Ks, the lineup switch did have a positive effect on the MLB offense. However, the NeL just proved to me too much. Player of Game 2 and nearly player of game 1, Oscar Charleston, drove in 2 with a double. Rap Dion added two more RBI, and a costly error (one of 3 by MLB in the game) gave the NeL the 2 extra runs needed to win the game.

Bill Foster continued his domination. After allowing those 3 runs early, he shut down MLB before handing over batting duties to Vic Harris, who took a BB to spark that 6th inning rally. After that, Sam Streeter held the MLB to only that single run in the 8th and finished them off for good.

Player of the Game: Rap Dixon, CF, 2-4, 2 RBI, 2 Run

Player of the Series: Bill Foster, who got the win in all three games and kept the NeL fighting throughout the series.

Wrap Up

I was surprised that the series ended up being a sweep. In spite of some inconsistencies, it was also a definitive sweep in the favor of the NeL. Their players lived up to the hype and provided a lot of excitement. I was also surprised that some big names that I knew from MLB didn’t perform very well at all. Babe Ruth, in particular, was surprising. I know that he was at the end of his career and maybe shouldn’t have started, but you always hear so much about him that it is humbling to see.

I guess what they say is true. Father Time remains undefeated and even one of the greatest players of all time and a true legend of both baseball and America can’t even compete against aging. Lou Gehrig had one good game, one terrible game, and one great game. That’s more like what you’d expect, but still surprising.

Well, 3 games is not much of a sample size. Also, I still have the cards, so I can always go back to do another series and see if MLB can avenge their loss. If so, what’s stopping me from doing a rubber series to settle this once and for all? Well, all of that will have to wait. As I mentioned earlier, I found a page that has the cards from the 1871 NA season and I want to simulate that. It’s only about 30 games on average for 9 teams. Could be fun. See you then!

Box Scores (Series Stats Coming Soon):

1933 NeL vs. MLB All Star Series

On the Tabletop

There’s No Rerolling in Baseball!

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Introduction

Chris texted me a few weeks ago saying that he had been playing some chess. I chuckled and responded that I had downloaded an app for the New York Times crossword puzzle. More recently, I teted to him, “Speaking of old man games, I found my APBA Baseball game in a closet and started playing it.” He probably had no idea what I meant because he didn’t even reply. It made no difference. I was, and remain, excited by my discovery.

So, what’s the big deal? Well, my interest in sports replay/simulation started in high school. It would appear that the new year has me reminiscing. A trip to my old high school hangout in the Quarters, a year in review post, and now reliving my tie as a hockey league founder.

Inspired by my lack of a social life, I created a competitor hockey league to the NHL. I envisioned it like the USFL (another of my past and maybe future sports sim projects), but more ambitious. I went way back to the origin of the NHL and started my league there. In addition to games, I created rosters, rivals, and even dynasties.

The Good

With all of that in mind, you have probably deduced that the APBA baseball sim is right in my wheelhouse. You have deduced correctly. There is so much that I love about this game. Some of you might wonder why I prefer dice to computer simulations. While the computer games allow you to simulate many more games at once, there’s just something about rolling dice that brings me back to my wild and crazy high school days. Admittedly, I did simulate a season of the USFL on the computer, but the pace of baseball, as the saying goes, is much more deliberate and it fits in with the slow roll (so to speak) of the board game.

Plus, the game is very easy for as complex as it can be. I haven’t played it in probably 10 years, but I was able to pick it back up and play through a best of 5-game series in a few hours spread out over two days. While not at the level of simulating entire seasons in a couple of hours, it’s still a quick game and I could probably do an entire team’s season in a couple of weeks.

Aside from those, the game combines the two things that I enjoy about sports. I’ve played sports in middle and high school. I coached Aiden’s soccer team this past fall and might do it again in the spring. But, my interest in sports starts with watching games with my father and it is a legacy that I, sadly, haven’t yet been able to pass on to my children. Both Quinn and Aiden have sat with me during this most recent bowl season, but their heart isn’t really in it.

Not that I can blame them. I mean, this isn’t even a real game. But, would you have known that if I hadn’t told you?

I watch sports to have fun and unwind. I simulate sports to satiate my need for statistics. I’m so happy to have grown up in the era of advanced metrics, better statistics (both in the predictive and measuring sense of the word), and GPS on players. As a math guy, the more the merrier when it comes to numbers. APBA lets me get as deep as I want into the statistics. I didn’t think to do it this time, but my next simulation I’m going to keep score like it was a real baseball game. That score sheet tells the whole story of the game and keeping score when I was a kid was when I first started to fall in love with the game.

But, it’s not all about numbers. Even though I’m not much of a history person, I can appreciate the history of sports. I can’t tell you why I hate the Browns, their players, and their fans. Well, that’s not entirely true anymore. The Browns have been so terrible for so long that I don’t feel anything but pity for them lately.

The Bengals, though, can go straight to hell. And, I’ll tell you why I feel that way, too, if you want to hear.

APBA Baseball allows me to either rewrite or relive that history. I can explore “what if” scenarios. The one that haunts me to this day is “Slow” Sid Bream crossing home plate in the NLCS to beat my juggernaut Pirates. If only I could replay that game and the subsequent series. Oh, wait! I can! I haven’t yet, but it’s time to research the 1992 season card set and get to changing that result.

I could witness history. Maybe that game was just meant to be and no matter how many times I replay it, the Braves will always win. I would also love to be able to watch those same Pirates. Well, not really the same, but you get the point. Maybe I could watch them win either of the 70s World Series or the one against the Yankees with Bill Mazeroski getting the game winning home run.

During my brief stint as a student at the University of Pittsburgh, I saw the plate.

Or, I could just mash a whole bunch of players together in an attempt to create an all-time all star team. I sort of did that with the games that I played to acclimate myself with the rules again. I didn’t create either team, but I found all star teams for both the MLB and NeL from 1933. I got the idea to play them against each other in a series because I’ve always heard about how great the Negro League players were and what a tragedy it is that none of the players ever got to play against major league competition. Not that I ever doubted it, but I wanted to see for myself. I will include a link to that recap at the end of this article.

The Bad

Initially, when Christine saw me looking at the game, she mentioned that Aiden might be able to play it with me. I said, “No, it’s just a one player game.” It technically might be and everything that I’ve seen about the game would suggest that many people only play one player. And, that goes to show how much I know. I just looked up the game on the web page and they are designed for 2 players. It’s just that most of us must be loners and play solitaire. So, I missed out on an opportunity to play a new game with Aiden. That one is easily remedied.

Well, that’s embarrassing.

The only other negative is my fault, too. There’s a master set to the game that allows you to do things like account for wind and park effects. I used to have the master set, but I must have misplaced it. All I could find was the wind effects chart and that made almost no sense to me. If I’m going to keep playing the game, that’s definitely something that I want. It stinks that I will have to pay for it again.

The Ugly

Speaking of paying for things, this is where I discuss the worst part of the game. Usually, this is price and it’s no different this time. The game itself isn’t too expensive. You pay 50 dollars and get everything you need to play the game, plus you get the previous year’s two World Series teams to get used to the card layout. Even the Master rules are only 25 extra dollars.

After that, though, is when the cost starts to add up and become slightly prohibitive. Each replay season costs anywhere from 40-75 dollars depending on the number of player cards. Granted, you get all players for all teams plus any updates that might happen later, but that’s a crazy cost for some cards. I haven’t found any place that pirates them and I doubt that I would even take advantage if they did. It’s not that I’m above that sort of thing, as we’ve seen. I ‘m just impressed that they are still this little company plugging away at something they love and haven’t had to sell out like many of the other games from my childhood.

The Verdict

This game is so much fun. I had a blast simulating that series that I talked about earlier. I think that it could even be more fun playing against someone else and I plan to test that with one of the boys this week. Tomorrow might be good as everyone has a snow day. I don’t know how much historical replay I will be doing as the 75 dollar price tag is a bit too rich for me right now. However, I will probably get the 1992 season to replay that dang NLCS and I’ll keep on looking for free cards to keep me occupied in the meantime.

I mean, I may or may not have a few of these types of proxies lying around for my Modern/Legacy storm deck.

Click here for the 1933 MLB/NeL All-Star Series recap.

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Completely Ignorant NFL Conference Championship Edition

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(Editor’s Note: Well, those of you waiting for us to fall of the wagon, get your Nelson Muntz “Ha ha” finger pointing and “told you so”s out of the way. We have some football games to get wrong!)

NFC Conference Championship

The Falcons destroyed the Seahawks in a game that I was actually grateful to get wrong last week. I’m already sick of the Seachickens and their budding cross conference rivalry with the Patsies. Aaron Rodgers’ team won in the closing seconds against the Pokes and set up a dream matchup for me, even though I had the exact opposite teams in my picks. This is probably the hardest game for me to pick. I’m leaning Atlanta because they are playing at home, Matt Ryan is the pick for MVP because the other players in the running are either a rookie or missed 4 games for various reasons, and it is just a more fun story for the Falcons to finally make it to the Super Bowl. However, Aaron Rodgers’ team is hot right now, just knocked off one of the leading contenders to win the Super Bowl in their home, and I don’t know if you heard, but they have Aaron Rodgers on their team. I am genuinely split on this one, but I will take the Falcons in a high scoring affair, 35-30.

AFC Conference Championship

I was deathly afraid of the Chefs last week and it turns out that there was some basis for that fear. The Steelers squeaked out a win over the Chefs with one of the oddest football scores I’ve seen in a while. They didn’t look overly impressive in the game, only managed field goals as scores, and gave me no reason to be positive going into this week’s game against the Pats. I didn’t see the Pats beat the Texans as the only game that I got right last week, but I heard that they weren’t that impressive even though they won by such a large margin. As a Steelers fan, I feel like I’ve seen this same stupid game against the Patriots five times before and it always ends in a 34-14 score. I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different, so there you have it.

The Super Bowl, which will again be shunned in favor of the annual Lucas-Mullen film festival is going to be the Patriots against the Falcons. Look for our hastily written preview only hours before the game.

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My Completely Ignorant 2017 NFL Divisional Round Picks

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(Note: Some of you might point out that this is the second time we’ve been late on a publishing deadline. Some of you might not have known that until I just pointed it out. Well, yes, this is our second time and we promised not to make it a habit. But, in our defense, once is a mistake, twice is a coincidence. So, we have one more chance to prove ourselves.)

CFP Chamionship Game Recap

We expanded our sports related ignorance into college football earlier in the week when we picked the Championship Game. We really wanted to be the ones that went out on a limb and pick Clemson. However, the recent rise of authoritarianism and hard line politics across the world scared us off. If ever there was a right time for an evil empire to squash a plucky band of rebels, this is the time. Then again, if I had thought about it a bit more, it seems as if sports has been immune to this phenomenon and feel good stories abound. Perhaps I was too hasty in my flippant assessment that sports can cure society’s ills. Maybe I can explore that another day. For today, I was not only wrong about the game, but I was wrong about betting the under with my fake dime. I guess I need to be a little less ignorant about things before writing articles about them.

NFL Divisional Round

Then again, I was 3-1 in my coin flip picks last weekend and I basically just troll picked the Giants for all of my Patriots fans. I didn’t see the Packers blowing out the Giants, but they’ve been hot recently and I thought they’d win. Therefore, I was more or less 4-0 with an asterisk. In the interest of time, and to avoid any further asterisks, I will forgo the usual nonsense and just make my picks.

The Picks: Pats, Chefs, Pokes, and SeaChickens. See you next week for the Conference Championships.

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My Completely Ignorant NFL Coin Flip Weekend Preview

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(Editor’s Note: Look for a detailed analysis of the season preview after Super Bowl weekend. Also, we hope to expand our reach of ignorant sports coverage into college with a preview of the BCS Championship game before Monday. Holy cow, this is an actual editor’s note and not an attempted joke. We’re either losing our edge or attempting to go legit or both. Personally, I hope it’s neither.)

A couple of years ago, I had the idea to pick the NFL playoffs. I went 9-2, missing the Broncos/Indianapolis game and getting within a Beastmode touchdown of getting the Super Bowl right as a preseason pick. I took that success and was going to pick the games for last season (or this or both) against a coin and compare those records to “experts”. Why a coin, you may ask.

Well, I’m glad you asked. When faced with the prospect of picking Wild Card games in those playoffs, I made the offhand remark that the teams were so close that you might as well just flip a coin. This year seems less random, which is always dangerous, especially when discussing the NFL. As most games are decided by one score or less, there is no such thing as a sure thing. Except, eff the Patriots. I can guarantee that. 100%. Every time.

Oakland @ Houston (-3.5)

This game has the potential to be the worst playoff game in the history of the league. Look, I get that we live in a time when everything is either the best or the worst ever and there is no room for nuance. However, I’m not one for hyperbole. Let’s look at the evidence.

Oakland is a surprise team by making the playoffs after a fairly significant drought. That rarely ends well for a team. Their quarterback–a big reason that they are relevant again–got injured and they’re now relying on a far inferior back up. About the only team that can (and has) survived such a tragedy is New England. Eff the Pats.

Houston is the perpetually underperforming team that they always are. It’s just that this year, Indianapolis decided to give in to peer pressure and stink like the rest of the division. Houston didn’t lose their starting quarterback, but they might as well have with Brock Osweiler under center. They did, however, lose JJ Watt and I’ve heard less imaginative people call him the quarterback of their defense.

When you take all of that into consideration, I see no compelling reason to watch this game. Heck, I’m having trouble focusing enough to pick it.

My pick: What to you mean I have to pick it? Does that mean I have to watch it? Dear God, I hope not. Okay, I pick the Texans to get annihilated by the Pats round 2. Eff the Pats.

Detroit @ Seatttle (-8)

This game promises to be bad, but in an entirely different way. Then again, maybe it will have some of the same awfulness. Detroit somehow made the playoffs, even though they stink like the Raiders. Okay, I guess that’s only one similarity. It still promises a terrible game.

Seattle is one of the elite teams of the last 5 years. Detroits bores us to death every Thanksgiving Day for some reason. Seattle has a Super Bowl winning quarterback. Detroit has…a quarterback, I assume. I mean, they have to have at least one on the roster, right? Seattle has a home field advantage that is so notorious that people think a 7-1 year is akin to 5-3. Okay, that last one is a bit of a stretch. I know of one person (Cousin Sal) that made that calculus, but quoting “people that know things” is part of this post fact world.

My pick: No matter how much of an exaggeration that last “fact” is, Seattle should roll in this game.

Miami @ Pittsburgh (-10)

I usually spare you my pictures with witty captions in these sports article. I’m also not much of a selfie guy. However, this picture approximates my face when I saw that line for the Steelers.

Okay, Pittsburgh is my team. I know these guys and their tendencies because I watch them and pay attention. You’d think so, right? Nope. Similar to a trip to Pats (Eff the Pats) training camp a few years ago, I can only name 3 players on the team and one of them only because he inexplicably still plays for them (James Harrison). I’ve watched more college than NFL again this year and I was more excited about Pitt’s annual appearance in the Toilet Bowl than the Steelers making the playoffs.

However I did watch the “Christmas Day miracle” against the Rats. I kept saying during the game that they’d either lose that one and be eliminated or get destroyed by the Pats (Eff the Pats) in the AFC Championship. Recent events have diminished some of that optimism, but Vegas really likes the Steelers and other fans are afraid of them for some reason. I think it is all Antonio Brown and his fantasy prowess.

Okay, enough about the Steelers. The Dolphins are in the same situation as the Raiders with their starting quarterback. The only difference is that their starter is only minimally better than their backup. Also, they have the dirtiest player in the game, Ndamukong (I had to Google his name twice to spell it right) Suh. Okay, enough about the Dolphins.

My pick: I still think the Steelers will win this game, maybe even convincingly, but I’m much more worried about the Chefs round 2 than I was the Raiders 2 weeks ago.

New York Giants at Green Bay (-4.5)

Now we’re talking! This is a game that people are excited to watch. Not me, of course, but I’ve heard people say that it is the best game of the weekend. Eh, who knows. Maybe the social media hype will get me and I’ll pay attention to the game.

Chris and I were talking a few weeks ago and I said that it would be funny to see the Giants run the table again so that I could watch Pats fans poop their pants over losing to Eli once again because eff the Pats. He isn’t convinced that the Giants will make it that far, but I hold out hope. Apparently, the big news for the Giants this week is that Odell Beckham went to Miami or something? I have no idea. That’s all I could make out from captioned ESPN while I rode a stationary bike at the YMCA the other day.

As far as Green Bay is concerned, they have Aaron Rogers. He seems to have taken Peyton Manning’s place as the other guy to Tom Brady’s golden boy. He makes a ton of commercials and is still one of the best. Um, unlike Peyton, though, Rogers! seems to be doing it with duct tape and paper clips, MacGyver style. Other than Rogers!, I can’t name another player on the team, except for “blonde guy on defense who thinks he is Hulk Hogan, but isn’t Kevin Greene”.

My pick: I think I’ve picked all home teams, so I will pick this one as my odd ball. Giants in a close one. Start pooping, Pats fans.

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My Completely Ignorant NFL ~3/4 Season Report

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(Editor’s Note: Who the hell does an NFL 3/4 season report? Well, we’re notorious for doing things differently around here. Plus, I’m perpetually late on even self imposed deadlines, so here it is.)

AFC East(I picked: Pats, Dolphins, Jets, Bills)

Well, I only flipped the Jets and the Bills in my preseason picks, but I was terribly wrong about the Bills. Either that, or the NFL is just terrible this year and the both the Dolphins and Bills are taking advantage of that and making things interesting by hovering around .500 and threatening to make the playoffs. I only thought that the Dolphins might be decent enough to make some noise. My exact quote was that I wanted to relegate the other teams to a lesser league like the premier league. That still applies to the Jets.

AFC West (I picked KC, SD, Denver, Oakland)

I was way wrong here. I mean, the Chiefs are only a game out of first, but I thought that this was going to be another dumpster fire of a division and again, 3 out of the 4 teams are over .500 and by 2 games or more. Oakland is one game off from Dallas for the best record in the league and San Diego is chilling in the basement while their city decides if they even want to keep the team.

AFC North (I picked Cincy, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Browns)

This used to be my home division back when I followed football more closely, so you think that I’d have a better handle on it than the rest of the league. Nope. 2016 has just been the horrible, terrible, very bad year and it extends to my picks this year. Oh well, I guess that’s what we get for living to see the Red Sox, White Sox, and Cubs win a World Series. The universe is exacting karmic retribution. Only good thing I can say is that my Steelers are leading the division (by default, but I’ll take it) and the Browns haven’t won a game just like I said they wouldn’t.

AFC South (I picked Colts, Texans, Titans, Jags)

Flip flopped–fitting in an election year–the top two teams, but to be fair, I think I said that I was sick of picking Houston as my “it” team and having them poop in their pants. Well, to be fair, they are still pooping, just not completely in their pants this year. The Titans eat their boogers and the Jaguars are still smelly fart butts. Sorry, due to time constraints, I commissioned this part of the article to my 5 year old. But, I’m back. At least we can always count on the AFC South to always stink.

NFC East (I picked Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Racist Owners)

Not only was I wrong about the order, but I was wrong about the division completely. The NFC East is back and now we have to listen to all the talking heads wax poetic about how it is the best division in football, the rivalry games are so intense, and generally do a boring job of the only thing that they’re being paid to do. Dammit, this was supposed to be the year that progress marched forward all over the sins of the past, and here we are.

NFC West (I picked Cardinals, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams)

If any team is indicative of the NFL this year, it is the Rams. They are a terrible team, nobody in the city cares that they exist, but a few people pretend to pay attention and think that it is an entertaining product because of misplaced nostalgia. Somehow, they are just good enough to keep those people coming back. Yeah, I got this one pretty wrong, too.

NFC North (I picked Packers, Viking, Bears, Lions)

I need to pick an “expert” to compare my picks with next year. Hopefully, he will do worse than I have so that I can point my finger and laugh that the guy doing this for fun performed better than the guy getting paid to do it. Because, it is getting boring for me to keep saying that I was wrong and I’m sure it is equally, if not more so, for you to keep reading it. Then again, maybe you’re laughing at the guy who took time out of his busy schedule to not only write a preview of a league that he barely even watches anymore, but came back 3 months to revisit those predictions and learn that maybe if you’re going to write about something, you should know a bit about it, Dummy. If so, I’ll take it. If you can’t be right, at least be entertaining.

NFC South (I picked Panthers, Bucs, Saints, and Falcons)

We have mercifully reached the end of the article and can put this poor thing out of its misery. As one last hope (no, it hasn’t been completely smothered under the weight of all this greatness yet), I will say that I’ve only flipped the first and the last team in this division, there are 6 games left in the season, and only 2 games separate those two teams, so there is still a chance for Carolina to get hot. With our luck this year, that hotness will cause them to catch fire and burn down both Southern divisions. Then again, maybe that will be a good thing and it will improve the quality of the league.

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My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview (NFC)

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(Editor’s Note: George McQuarters is still on his summer vacation. It must be nice to be retired. I know, I’m as close to retired as a person can be while still being employed, but we always covet what we can’t have. The grass is always greener than 2 bushes or something like that. As a result, we are going to take the seaon off from picking games and just give you my picks for the divisions an Super Bowl.)

[spoiler title="TDLR"]Giants maybe?, Cardinals, Packers, Panthers. And because I'm a huge fan of schadenfreude, Giants over Pats to complete the trilogy sweep.[/spoiler]

So, can we still call this article a preview when it is being published after week 2 of the season is already finished? This is my website and I’ll do what I want. Besides, the rest of it is still relevant. I’m no less ignorant than I was at the beginning of the season other than the fact that I know that the Steelers are 2-0.

A preview? Two weeks into the season?
A preview? Two weeks into the season?

NFC East

  1. New York Giants – Remember when the NFC East was called the best division in all of football with the best rivalry games? Yeah, this is not that version of the National Football League. I’m picking the Giants by default because Chip Kelly will have his team gassed by game 3, Dallas lost Romo for a considerable part of the season, and Washington is cursed until they bite the bullet (pun intended) and change their name.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – So, 9-7 could win this division and the runner up could be 6-10 or worse. I have no faith anymore that Chip Kelly can be a competent National Football League head coach. I was confident that the guy in Oregon was just keeping his clipboard warm until everything blew over, but Chip seems determined to make this thing work. All the best, Chip. Should have just taken your paddlin’ and you could have been the toast of college football uniforms.
  3. Dallas Cowboys – So, more fantasy football because nothing people love more than hearing about another person’s fantasy football woes. I had Gronkenstein the year that he blew out his knee. Last year, I had Tony Romo to start the season and he broke his back (or shoulder, something, whatever, what’s important here is that he was one of the reasons that I lost in week 2), so I started to think that the curse was alive and well. Turns out to be one of the best things to happen (get well soon, Tony) since I picked up Blake Bortles and rode him all the way to the title.
  4. Washington (redacted) – I think I wrote this two years ago, but I don’t understand why this stupid team just doesn’t change their name already. The fans will buy the new merchandise after grumbling for a little bit about honoring Native American heritage or some nonsense. That’s a windfall. Plus, after a few years, you can run throw back days and resell the old jerseys to make even more money. I’m not a marketing guy by any stretch, but this feels like a win/win.

NFC West

  1. Arizona Cardinals – I’ve kept an eye on Arizona since Larry Fitzgerald started playing for them. I also like that their field can be wheeled outside of the stadium to get sun. Other than that, I’m not sure that I have a reason to pick Arizona over Seattle for the division. Hey, it’s good to go out on a limb every now and then, right?
  2. Seattle Seahawks – Before the Seahawks started to get good again, I actually forgot that Seattle had a football team. I was sitting and talking with a friend about football and he said, “Seattle”. I replied, not joking, with “Seattle?” He said, “The Seahawks.” “Hmm, they’re still a team.” The Seahawks are good again, but some of the shine is starting to wear off of the turd and they’ll be back to relegation status soon enough.
  3. San Francisco – When your team is making headlines because your back up quarterback has started what could grow into a revolution (and just to be clear, I support his stance and actions) instead of on the field actions, it’s not a good omen for your team finishing high in the standings. I wish Mr. Kaepernick and his allies all the best, but the 49ers are going to stink on ice.
  4. Los Angeles Rams – So, the Rams got sick of their cute and young but vapid wife (LA), decided to try an older and more sophisticated woman (St. Louis) only to realize that wouldn’t work because she’s in love with another (baseball), and came crawling back to the bimbo who is now older and not as pretty (California is in the middle of record drought and wildfires). Hey, I suppose the prospects are better in LA, because you know she’ll get work done. Okay, I’ve taken this metaphor as far as I can.

NFC North

  1. Green Bay Packers – The Packers are the Pats of the NFC right now. As long as they have Rodgers (!) on the team, you can’t count them out for anything. Add to that the fact that this is one of those divisions where you can write off the other three teams sight unseen and this is an easy pick.
  2. Minnesota Vikings– I knew that Teddy Bridgewater was injured. I’m a little worried because I think the next quarterback on their depth chart might be Sean Salisbury and he’s a bit old to be playing quarterback. Then again, I also know that Adrian Petersen is still on this team (note: AD is now injured, too) and capable of carrying them to a .500 record.
  3. Chicago Bears – Da Bears…stink. I have an online friend who is from Chicago and his Facebook posts keep me in the loop when it comes to Da Bears and Da Bulls. His thoughts on the season are not positive, so I guess you could say that I’ve got a bit of insider information here. Worldwide leader, look out!
  4. Detroit Lions – Megatron retired in a very Barry Sanders like move. What does it say about a franchise that it’s brightest stars would rather walk away from the game that they love than be subjected to the misery of having to play on that team. I guess that one notable thing is that Detroit has joined Seattle as a team that I forgot existed. And, this one plays at least once on national TV every year.

NFC South

  1. Carolina Panthers – I admit it. I like Cam Newton. In spite of his NCAA violations (I will always side with the individual over the allegedly corrupt organization), dabbing and celebrating (I will always side with the victim over racists), and hissy fit at the end of the Super Bowl last year (we always want our athletes to be super competitive, except when we don’t), I think he’s a decent individual and a good quarterback. Keep on proving them wrong, Cam.
  2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers have a strong running back and their quarterback is starting to get hype for something other than stealing crab legs from a local grocery store. They don’t have that dunderhead from Rutgers as coach anymore, so that’s a step in the right direction.
  3. New Orleans Saints – The Saints are back to the Aints again. Sean Payton just doesn’t seem to have the same fire for coaching since winning a Super Bowl and getting suspended for a season. Drew Brees is getting older and thinking about all of the commercials he’ll be able to do just like Peyton Manning.
  4. Atlanta Falcons – The Braves stink. The Falcons stink. The Hawks…are still a team in the NBA, right? Atlanta is starting to feel like the new Cleveland now that the Cavs ended the streak up there.
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My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview (AFC)

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(Editor’s Note: Two years ago I picked the playoffs at the beginning of the playoff season. I only got two games wrong, but one of them was the Super Bowl, so I was a last second interception away from getting that one right. I didn’t do as well last year and might have even been outshined by a coin that goes by the name of George McQuarters. Nevertheless, as with previous years, I have done almost no research for this article other than listening to the Sports Guy and Cousin Sal a couple of times on my commute and I saw one half of one preseason game.)

[spoiler title="TLDR:"]Pats, Chefs, Bungles, Colts I guess?, And because I'm a huge fan of schadenfreude, Giants over Pats to complete the trilogy sweep.[/spoiler]

AFC East

  1. New England Patriots – Yes, they have no Brady for the first four games. Sure, we just learned that Gronkenstein will be out for at least the opener. None of it matters. Never mind making a deal with the devil, Belichick is Satan himself and this team will continue to win 10+ games and own this terrible division for the rest of eternity. Eff the Pats.
  2. Miami Dolphins – Only because I can’t pick the other three teams in this division to be relegated to a lesser league similar to what the Premier League does, I have to put them in some order. The Dolphins played in the one half of one preseason game I watched and I still think Ryan Tannehill could be a decent quarterback with help. Unfortunately, the Dolphins are not equipped to make good football decisions, so he’ll be out of the league in a couple of years and they’ll be selling the ever popular rebuilding year that turns into a decade of misery. Even so, I’m pretty sure they can fake their way to 8-8 and the ever popular “we have next year”.
  3. New York Jets – Speaking of decade of misery. Sure, they had some successes with Fat Rex and the “Sanchise” (what a cruel joke that turned out to be), but overall it’s been just more irrelevance for yet another New York team. As a resident of Massachusetts, that should give me great joy. I’m a transplant, though, so the joy is vicarious through my father in law who cares much more about this sport than I do.
  4. BuffaloBills – I watched the “Four Falls of Buffalo” last year with a friend. It was sad and inspiring all at once. I grew up in Erie and, due to the NFL home team rules, we got all of the Buffalo games. I saw the whole thing unfold game by game and year by year. I also saw evidence of a fantasy football draft where a player took Tyrod Taylor on purpose. It clearly affected me in a profound way because I’m still talking about it and I can’t get the image out of my head.

AFC West

  1. Kansas City Chefs– Andy Reid is still the coach and Alex Smith is still the quarterback. But, I seem to remember that this team had a good defense and a good running back, even though I couldn’t name a single one of those players if my life depended on it. In the NFL of my and my parent’s youth, a good running game and defense won you games. I’m not sure about this hotsy totsy free wheeling version we have today, but when all else fails, misplaced nostalgia is always a good way to look stupid.
  2. San Diego Chargers – This is another division where the 3 teams besides the divisino winner are more or less interchangeable. Sure, they all wear different colors to distinguish themselves, but they are like those kids in the college aerial pictures where they all stand together to make something and moms everywhere swear they can see their kid. My point is, who the hell knows or cares who will be #2 in the AFC West?
  3. Denver Broncos – Because of our impeccable timing, the Broncos had already played and won their first game when this was written. It is being posted after all but the 2 Monday games have been played, but at least it is not the NFC article, which will be posted after all the first games have been played. Spoiler alerts abound for those in an alternate universe who are reading this one time. However, I have the sneaking suspicion that their 7th round quarterback won’t work out as well as another certain 7th round quarterback who shall remain nameless. The scourge has been lifted from the land and there is no reason to be the one to unleash it. Point is, Manning (even a terrible Manning) to what’s his face is quite the drop off and might take some time for success.
  4. Los Angeles (or are they back in Oakland?) Raiders – The Raiders are another successful team from my youth. As we saw with the bills, though, misguided nostalgia only goes so far and the ghost of Al Davis still haunts this team. Until they prove otherwise, I will just assume that they have drafted Darius Heyward Bey in the first round every year.

AFC North

  1. Cincinnati Bungles – I don’t have any compelling reason to pick the Bungles over the Steelers other than in an attempt to reverse jinx them. The Steelers were driving to beat the Broncos in the playoffs last year with a contest winner starting at running back and the Bungles did their best to lose their only playoff game…to the Steelers.
  2. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers ahve gone from not even having a shotgun package in their offense when I was younger to running a spread pass happy offense with 2 of the top 5 receivers in the league. Oh, they also have a good running back. Even so, some of those guys get in trouble or injured yearly and that always keeps the team from achieving Pats like success. Oh well, it is still good to be a Steelers fan.
  3. Baltimore Rats – It’s certainly better to be a Steelers fan than a Rats fan right now. Even though they have “elite” quarterback Joe Flacco, they were terrible last year. I don’t see any indication that they have done anything to fix that this year.
  4. Cleveland Browns – It is always better to be a Steelers fan than a Browns fan. No more Johnny Football. Instead, they have a rejuvenated (again we’re going with this storyline?) RGIII. The only difference that I see is maybe their quarterback won’t post as many drunken Instagram photos. Will that translate into a better team? Hopefully not, because as a Steelers fan, it is too much fun picking on the Browns and their fans.

AFC South

  1. Indy Colts -How bad is the NFL when you can disregard nearly 90% of the league as a potential threat before the season even starts? What’s worse is that entire divisions can be ignored. Ever since Peyton left the Colts, that’s been the fate of the AFC South. Who cares who wins this division? They’ll just lose in the wild card round.
  2. Houston Texans – I spent 2 or 3 seasons on the Texans bandwagon. I kept thinking that they’d be able to ride their defense and a mediocre quarterback to a title similar to how Denver did last year. They never did and now I see why. They are simply one of the nameless, faceless AFC South teams, doomed to obscurity.
  3. Tennessee Titans – Seriously, does anyone actually know the difference between these teams? They remind me of the old WWF (wrestling, not pandas) jobbers that they’d trot out to face more established wrestlers to ensure that the storylines weren’t ruined before the big pay per view. The Titans are Iron Mike Sharp, Rest in Peace.
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars – Since nobody cares about these teams, I will just take this space to tell one of my long winded and maybe not so relevant stories for which I’m famous. While listening to Simmons and Sal, they both agreed that Blaine Gabbard (That’s not even the Jags QB name. He’s Blake Bortles.) is not very good at football. “Hey,” I shouted at my phone, “that’s my fantasy football championship quarterback that you’re demeaning there!” And, therein lies the allure of the league for 80% of fans.

Join me tomorrow (and pretend that we live in one of the alternate universes where the first week hasn’t happened yet) for the NFC portion of the preview.