Tag Archives: Pro Football

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

NFC First Quarter 2020 Year in Review

1 Comment

Introduction

Time for the NFC first quarter 2020 year in review! After some trouble updating the page on a regular basis, it looks like I might actually get content posted two days in a row. It is also somewhat timely content again. Yesterday, I got the AFC version posted. I promised to have the NFC version posted today. Got some grading done earlier, so I don’t feel guilty about school work right now.

I think I speak for a lot of teachers when I say that it’s my least favorite part of teaching.

I do have some yard work to do. Plus, my neighbor is helpfully actually doing his so that I feel more guilty about it than I normally would. Yay for living in a society. However, it hasn’t made me feel guilty enough yet to actually do the work. Heck, I have until tomorrow since I have the day off from school.

But, I have a paper to write for grad class and more grading to do for school. Also, I have my own deadline for the Spawn review to keep the momentum of the page going. If I had to guess, that’s going to get put on the back burner, but maybe I’ll actually get around to the yardwork today and writing some of the paper, too. Sorry, thinking out loud on paper. Let’s ignore all of that for now and talk about the NFC first quarter 2020.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles (1-2-1): We’re #1! By default, but still Award. Some pundits thought that the Cowboys might have an actual decent to possibly good team this year. I might have heard that they were being considered as Super Bowl contenders. Well, that obviously hasn’t happened. The East might just give us a sub 500 division winner. That’s fitting for this stupid year.

Washington Football Team (1-3): Dan Snyder is a Huge Dick Award. Daniel Snyder finally capitulated to the snowflake justice warriors at FedEx and retired the racist nickname for his team. In true Snyder fashion, he thumbed his nose by refusing to pick another mascot and just called them “Football Team” for this year. What a dick.

Dallas Cowboys (1-3): We are overrated and NFL talking heads are overpaid Award. I already talked about the Cowboys in the Eagles section. Since they don’t really warrant any more discussion, I will crap on the NFL talking heads again. Yes, you might be able to make the argument that I’m jealous. That doesn’t take away from the fact that the economy surrounding sports is completely broken.

New York Giants (0-4): Shame There’s no Professional Football Team in New York Award. These guys are cowinners of this award. Heck, now that Barkley is hurt, what possible reason do either the Jets or the Giants have for continuing this season?

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks (4-0): There’s A Football Team in Seattle? Award. This is a reference to a conversation I had several years ago when I was working at Yankee Candle. A coworker said something about the football team in Seattle and I replied, truly confused, “There’s a football team in Seattle?”

Los Angeles Rams (3-1): I Thought These Guys Were Exposed as Frauds Award. After a stellar start as coach, it looked like the league might have figured out that Sean McVay basically only had one formation in his playbook. A 3-1 start doesn’t necessarily reverse that, but they are in good shape right now.

Arizona Cardinals (2-2): Kyler Murray isn’t Quite the Second Coming of Mahomes Yet Award. Everyone got very excited about Kyler Murray this year. They thought that he might have ascended into Mahomes territory. Heck, I even fell for it, texting Chris if I should take Murray or Wilson as my QB in daily fantasy. Thankfully, he set me straight and told me to take Wilson.

San Francisco 49ers (2-2): Ghost of Colin Kaepernick Award. They’re not 0-4, which would make this a better storyline. However, they did blow a lead in last year’s Super Bowl and Jimmy G is developing quite the injury history. Maybe, just maybe, they will face justice for their treatment of Kaep.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers (4-0): Father Time is Undefeated? Award. We are told that in the Father Time is undefeated. It looked like that might have finally been the case last year for Tom Brady. It’s not like he’s tearing it up this year, but he was having a bit of a resurgence. Meanwhile, Rodgers just keeps slinging it without any sign of slow down.

Chicago Bears (5-1): The King is Dead. Long Live the King Award. I made a comment in the Bills section at Mitch Trubisky’s expense. It’s a shame because I was really rooting for old Mitch to finally figure it out. He didn’t and now they’ve moved on to Nick Foles. Foles has proven time and again that he is the perfect short term stop gap, so it’s not all bad in Chicago this year.

Minnesota Vikings (1-3): If He Dies, He Dies Award. While discussing the impact of Covid19 on the league, Kirk Cousins said something along those lines. Does Kirk Cousins really have the clout to be going on so about such issues? What I mean to say is, other than his family, would anyone mourn Kirk Cousins? I know that got dark and I apologize. But, am I wrong?

Detroit Lions (1-3): Matthew Stafford is still in the League? Award. I’m pretty sure I already made my annual Matt Stafford joke. But, the fact that I literally just had to Google to see if his name was, in fact, Matt Stafford says a lot about his status. The only question now is who will take his place when he finally does retire?

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2): TB Are Now His Initials and Those of His Team Award. Tom Terrific took his travelling side show down south for this year. I’ve been having fun trolling the Pats fans on my Facebook feed because they were convinced after week 1 that TB would end up 0-16 and they’d be able to gloat over it. Not so fast, folks.

New Orleans Saints (2-2): Drew Brees is Surprisingly Bigoted Award. I’ve always liked Brees. He’s a short guy who is excelling at a job that short guys don’t often excel. But, then this whole focus on the family crap came out and I just can’t root for him anymore. I’m glad the Saints are struggling this year.

Carolina Panthers (2-2): Sweet Caroline Award. There’s no reason for this title other than the obvious dad joke pun. The Panthers have made absolutely no impact on me whatsoever this year. They are just part of the amorphous blob that is the NFL in the South. Maybe we should do a trial run of this separated states of America by allowing the South to secede from the NFL.

Atlanta Falcons (0-4): How Many Ways Can We Blow A Lead? Award. I’m not sure what bad juju the Falcons unleased. However, they’ve been cursed ever since taking a 28-3 lead on the Patriots in the Super Bowl a few years ago. They’ve since dialed it up to 11 this year. They’ll be fun to watch simply for the train wreck possibility.

The Verdict (NFC First Quarter 2020 has been entertaining so far)

While I’m not sold on the AFC yet this year (other than the Chiefs), I like what I’ve seen in the NFC. Things are a bit crazy. Even the bad teams are fun to watch. The worst division in football is the NFC East, which is fitting because they were pumped up for so long as the best simply because of the legacy of teams. The Racists are no longer going by that name. All in all, it’s been an entertaining NFC first quarter 2020 and I can’t wait to see how it plays out going forward.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 8 Picks

1 Comment

Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 8. Hard to believe, but we are halfway through the season right now. There have been a few surprises this year, as there often are. However, the Patriots (eff the Pats) deal with the devil appears to still be binding. Patrick Mahomes got hurt and that gives me one less reason to care about the league.

But, I will continue to pick games each week. That’s how much I care about my nonexistent fans. I haven’t been as diligently keeping track of how well I’ve done overall, but I did get 7 or 8 games right last week. That was quite a nice bounce back from the previous week. Okay, enough chit chat, let’s pick some games for 2019 NFL Week 8.

Toilet Bowls (Terrible Week of Football)

New York Jets at Jacksonville – Seems like every week we have at least one of these games. Both of these teams could cease to exist tomorrow and nobody would even notice. Flip a coin.

Tampa Bay at Tennessee – Is Matt Tannehill still starting for Tennessee? Egad. Tampa Bay it is.

Miami at Pittsburgh – Well, the Steelers will at least win 3 games this year.

Cleveland at New England – This could have been a marquee game if Cleveland lived up to billing. They haven’t. Pats effing roll again It’s 2008 all over again. *sigh*

New York Giants at Detroit – Speaking of 2008, Eli isn’t even playing right now as our last hope against the Patriots. Daniel Jones took a step back last week. At least Detroit hovering around .500 makes Thanksgiving potentially intersting.

Denver at Indianapolis – This game is the perfect modern NFL game. Two middling teams playing in a game that ultimately doesn’t matter. Go Indy?

Seattle at Atlanta– I at least somewhat care about Seattle. Atlanta is awful. That’s all.

If they’re on, I’ll watch (Not really, but I will tune in to check my fantasy team)

Cincinnati at Los Angeles Rams – I’m not sure why this one isn’t in the toilet bowls? I have absolutely no interest in watching this anemic Rams team fool everyone into thinking they’re good by destroying the Bengals.

Arizona at New Orleans – I like the Teddy Bridgewater story. Arizona somehow has 3 wins this year. Maybe this one should be in the “Okay, I’m interested” section. New Orleans wins at home.

Los Angeles Chargers at Chicago – I’ve been all in on the Bears defense since they carried me into the fantasy playoffs last year. They’re a bit worse this year, but I still think they can keep father of the year (he has like 7 votes, so it isn’t fair), Phillip Rivers, in check.

Okay, I’m Interested (Not in much. Like I said, a terrible week of football)

Carolina at San Francisco – I’m not entirely sure why I’m interested in this game. I have nothing invested in either team. I guess, sometimes, you just need to watch for fun. Frisco keeps winning.

Philadelphia at Buffalo – Buffalo has been one of those surprises I mentioned earlier. The NFL is just better when the Bills are good. I hope they can win, but I think Philly clips ’em.

Game of the Week (Even without Mahomes, or especially, I’m rooting for the Chiefs)

Green Bay at Kansas City – Always stuck in the past, I just saw a commercial for this game as a rematch of Super Bowl I (? See, that’s how much it matters. I actually had to look it up because I went 3, then 2, and finally 1) and a possible preview of this year. I don’t know about that last part, but the NFL is nothing if not a hype machine. Even without Mahomes, this could be a good game. I hope the Chiefs pull it out, but think the Packers will be too much for that defense.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 7 Picks

1 Comment

Introduction

Here we are again. It’s 2019 NFL Week 7. I said last week (or maybe the week before) that the season doesn’t really start until about week 5. Then, I proved my point by picking correctly on most of the games. Well, I followed that success up with a terrible 3-9 or 4-8 week last week. Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.

What’s more important is I started my week with a text from Chris that read only “Noooooo, Mahooomes!”. I replied, “Goddamn Belichick and his voodoo.” A student mentioned something about the Madden curse, too. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance. Hopefully he comes back soon and there aren’t any lingering effects from the injury. Let’s get to the 2019 NFL Week 7 picks.

Toilet Bowls (Not the worst of the worst for 2019 NFL Week 7, but there’s some baddies here)

Jacksonville at Cincinnati – Is this game in London? Can it be, please? I have nothing funny or clever to say about this game. This just makes me sad. Jacksonville wins.

LA Rams at Atlanta – At the beginning of the season, I’d have thought that this would be a game of the week contender. Now, both of these teams make me angry. Who knows? Maybe LA uses this game to find their mojo.

LA Chargers at Titans – Chris texted something about the number of Steelers fans at the game. Simmons and Sal made the same observation. I replied that the Chargers have no fans in LA, so the team basically gives tickets away. If you can make it there, you can go to the game. Plus, Matt Tannehill is now starting for the Titans. Go Chargers?

San Francisco at Washington – Frisco has been frisky this year with Jimmy G at the helm. Washington has…not. Maybe karma is finally catching up with the racists. Frisco wins going away.

Oakland at Green Bay – This is a weird game. I’m not sure why, but I honestly can’t fathom that this is actually a game between these two teams. I mean, it feels like a time warp from the late 60s or something. Oh well, Green Bay will probably win.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch (There are some potentially decent games here)

Houston at Indianapolis – This is not one of the aforementioned good games. I guess both of these teams are decent this year. Houston might actually finally even be good after many years of being the “it” team. They could even steal this game.

Arizona at New York Giants – Neither is this a “decent” game by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a bit intrigued by Daniel Jones and think that he can do well against this Arizona defense. I even recommended him as a fantasy pick this week. Go Giants, I guess.

Miami at Buffalo – Miami is ridiculously bad this year. Buffalo is actually pretty decent this year. I mean, they won’t challenge the Patriots, but they could make the playoffs fun, at least. I think they win big time.

New England at New York Jets – The Jets kicked the Cowboys butts last week. Chris and I were texting through the whole game because neither of us could believe it. Lightning won’t strike twice, especially against the Patriots, but maybe I can hope. For the sake of the article, I’m picking the Eff the Pats.

Okay I’m Interested (Not really, but I need three categories of games)

Minnesota at Detroit – I’m not entirely sure why I put this game here. I guess I needed to fill the three categories and for some reason, this was one of the least objectionable games. Vikes win.

Philadelphia at Dallas – Now, this actually feels like it could be a fun game to watch. Both of these teams are sort of middling around right now. The Pokes started off 3-0, though, so there is some potential there. They’re going to have to live up to it if they want to make the playoffs.

New Orleans at Chicago – The Aint’s ain’t been much in the way of ain’t this year. Teddy Bridgewater came right in and has filled in nicely for Drew Brees. The Chicago defense is very good the last two years. I think New Orleans edges them

Game of the Week (Let’s Go Seattle!)

Baltimore at Seattle – Watched the Sounders win their first playoff game last night. I don’t think that anyone else has a chance in this division other than the Ravens, but I still can live well in schadenfreude if they lose. Seattle used to never lose at home. Let’s hope that holds true here.

The Verdict

Well, overall, there isn’t much here to keep me interested. Thankfully, we have a 3rd birthday party for my niece at the zoo, so that will keep me occupied this week. Next week is Halloween weekend, so no problems there. My streak of not watching NFL football could extend through this year as long as I can keep coming up with excuses.

Note: I forgot to hit submit again. Not that it matters because I don’t think anyone even knows this page exists. But, for the purpose of keeping honest, all picks were made before games were played. Even the Chiefs over Denver, though I always forget to include Thursday. Hey, that’s a great idea! Let’s pick Thursday right now. Vikings roll the Racists.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

COMPLETELY IGNORANT 2019 NFL Week 6 Picks

1 Comment

Introduction – Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 6

Good morning and Happy Sunday! Welcome to my 2019 NFL Week 6 picks column. Well, I just did the post mortem for last week and it’s better than I thought. I went 7-5-1 (8-5-1 if you count the Thursday game, but I won’t this week), which isn’t too bad and depending on how I allocated funds, could have made me money. Week 5 is definitely when teams start to take things seriously.

This week’s games aren’t terrible, but they’re definitely along the line of “apple pickers” as I heard Simmons and Sal call them a few times. It just so happens that we are scheduled to go apple picking today, so it was considerate of the NFL to have such terrible games this week. I mean, I wasn’t watching either way, but it’s nice when the universe conspires for you instead of against you. Let’s make some picks for 2019 NFL Week 6.

Toilet Bowls

Dallas at New York Jets – I struggled with where to put this game. I am mildly interested in the game, but I don’t honestly think I’d watch it even if it was on the television. So, in the toilet bowl it goes. After dropping last week, the Pokes need a win. Bring on the Jets!

Atlanta at Arizona – I got caught up in a bit of Atlanta hype at the beginning of the year. They cured that completely with last week’s debacle. I have a friend who lives in Atlanta and with the Braves losing, the Falcons stinking, and UGA losing last night, I’m a bit worried about him. Hope Atlanta United can redeem them some. Maybe the Braves win this one?

Pittsburgh at San Diego (Los Angeles Chargers) – The Steelers stink. The Chargers are boring. Maybe the natives in Pittsburgh, who inexplicably don’t like Mike Tomlin will get their wish. The Steelers have traditionally not been quick to fire, but maybe it will make those miserable f**ks happy. Of course it won’t. They’re miserable as a rule. What I’m trying to say here, is 1-15 isn’t out of the question.

Washington at Miami – I mean, wow. Would you look at that word smithery? I considered writing for a living. I think that sentence alone shows that I am overqualified for the position. Seriously, if Shannon Sharpe can get a TV gig as a talking head, then I can be a writer. What the hell was I talking about? Washington and Miami? Who gives a crap? Let’s say this game survives the eventual apocalypse as an exhibit of our civilization. The aliens who eventually find it will correctly conclude that we are better off for having exterminated ourselves. I hope Miami wins because of the stupidity of the Washington nickname.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch

Cincinnati at Baltimore – Seems like both Baltimore and Cleveland want to win the division. Simultaneously, it seems like neither Baltimore nor Cleveland want to win the division. One will win it by default because both Pittsburgh and Cincy stink this year.

Tennessee at Denver – In the interest of full disclosure, this could have gone in the toilet bowls. However, I was trying to space the games out better for reading purposes. I give no craps about this game. I guess Tennessee wins because I have a Facebook friend that likes them.

New Orleans at Jacksonville – I’m intrigued by New Orleans with Teddy Ballgame as their QB. A friend also made the point that Jacksonville’s new QB is like Keanu Reeves from The Replacements. That alone is enough to get me to tune in. Aint’s win.

San Francisco at Los Angeles Rams – If the Rams were actually what they were last year, this would be in the “must watch” category. Since they’re not and I’m completely off the Jimmy G-sus bandwagon for now, I’ll watch it if it’s on but won’t go out of my way. Maybe the Rams finally get back on track.

Okay, I’m Interested

Houston at Kansas City – Indianapolis shocked the world by beating KC in the most unlikely of ways. Usually, we see the Chefs get betrayed by their defense, but their offense let them down. This might be a good game, but it’s in KC, so I gotta pick the Chefs.

Seattle at Cleveland – Even though Baker has been a bit of a dud this year and OBJ looks washed up, I’m still on Cleveland. As long as they hang with the Ravens for the division, I’ll be on them. Let’s go Browns!

Philadelphia at Minnesota – This got consideration for game of the week. The Vikings defense is next level and Philly can be entertaining. However, I’m more interested in the TB/Carolina game this week, so Philly/Minnesota gets honorable mention. I think the Vikes win this one.

Game of the Week

Carolina at Tampa Bay (but really in London?) – I could look up if this is really in London or not. But, I don’t want to and you can’t make me. I will assume by the start time that it is. Wow, how did this game end up in London? The NFL must have made a mistake. Either way, I’m gonna go out on a limb and take Tampa Bay.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 6 isn’t terrible. It has possibly the worst game in a decade on the schedule. Otherwise, the games are passable to decent. I hope to build on last week’s momentum and keep being successful going forward. Enjoy your football everyone. See you again next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant NFL 2019 Week 3 Picks

Leave a comment

Introduction

Well, I missed all of last week, picks included. I didn’t want to make it 2 in a row, so here are only NFL 2019 Week 3 picks. No pithy comments.

Early Games

Pokes over Fins

Bungs over Bills

Eagles over Lions

Pats roll the Jets

Falcons over Colts

Vikes over Raiders

Chefs beat the Rats

Packers over Broncos

Late Games

Panthers over Cards

Bucs over Gynts

Seahawks over Aints

Texans over Chargers

Steelers beat the 9ers

Sunday Night

Rams roll the Browns

Monday Night

Bears beat the hapless Racists

NFL 2019 Week 3 Wrap Up

Oh, and for the record, I’d have never picked the Jags to beat the Titans this week in the Thursday night debacle. And, I suppose to avoid such a mistake going forward, I’ll just pick the Thursday night game right now. I think the Packers beat the Eagles. All things being even, you should pick the home team.

So, come to think about it, is there really any difference between the Jags and the Titans? Not really, but I have convinced myself that there is. I never, and I mean never, would have picked the Jags in that game. Come back next week for the hopeful return of pithy comments! Until then, enjoy NFL 2019 Week 3 games!

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 1 Picks

2 Comments

Introduction (Thursday Night Football sucks)

The NFL season already started. But, that won’t stop us from making our 2019 NFL Week 1 picks. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out my AFC and NFC preview articles. They won’t necessarily give you any more information, but I think they’re entertaining at least.

If you were around at all last year, you know that Thursday Night Football, even though it happens every week, always took me by surprise. Well, it happened again this week. You may question this, but what I’m about to say has nothing to do with what I just said.

Thursday Night Football sucks. Seriously, who is this game for every week? Gamblers? How degenerate do you have to be that you can’t wait a full week to bet on football? Never mind. Don’t answer that. I still have some faith in humanity.

The games are just awful. We live in the age of Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady, and Baker Mayfield, and a 10-3 defensive snoozefest is the best that you can muster for your season opener? God, how is the NFL still so popular? Okay, enough bitterness, on with the 2019 NFL week 1 pick.

Early Games (For the record, I had Green Bay)

LA Rams at Carolina Panthers – The Rams are everyone’s “it” girl this year. I will say that there might be something to the getting close one year and coming back stronger the next. Additionally, I looked up the NFL starting quarterbacks earlier when Chris and I were texting where AB might end up. Cam Newton was not listed for Carolina. Rams roll.

Washington Racists at Philadelphia Eagles – Carson Wentz is back! Or, maybe he just hurt his back and is on IR again. Who can say which will be the headline coming out of Week 1? It doesn’t matter. Philly would beat Washington by 10 points with me at QB.

Buffalo Bills at NY Jets – What the hell is this? Who gives a crap? Maybe if Darnold can pull a Baker/Mahomes and not suck out loud this year, I’ll care. Right now, I’m not picking this game. Life’s too short.

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings – It was either last year or the year before that Minny had one hell of a defense. I don’t think it is going to matter in this game. I think Matty Ice is going to have a hell of a year this year. Falcons.

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins – Two things in life are guaranteed. Well, other than death. And Taxes. Two things in NFL life are guaranteed. Well, other than the Patriots (eff the Pats) winning every year and me forgetting that Matthew Stafford exists. Okay, I’m not sure where I was going with this train of thought. I just know the Dolphins are going to suck this year. Rats win.

Kansas City Chiefs at Jacksonville Jaguars – I’m pretty sure that I heard that Nick Foles is in Jacksonville now? That might be enough to persuade me that they’ll stay within a TD of KC. I can’t say much about KC’s defense right now, but I’m all in on Mahomes. Dude is a stud. Start the KC/NE AFC Championship hype now.

Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns – Preseason scuttlebutt has me a bit worried that my boy Baker was a fluke last year. I don’t think so, but I am the “completely ignorant” pundit, so there’s that. I’m about 60% positive that they’ll be able to take care of business for their home opener.

Late Games (This is about the time that I might spend another quarter on daily fantasy every week)

Indianapolis Colts at LA Chargers – I typed LA Chargers the first time and only barely had a twinge of the old San Diego Chargers as I did. Old dogs can learn new tricks. Just don’t ask me to name Six Flags as anything but Riverside. Chargers, wherever the hell they play, win.

Cincinnatti Bengals at Seattle Seahawks – The Bengals stink. I mean, the Seahawks might stink, too, for all I know. But, they’re playing at home, which used to be a huge advantage. Plus, I won’t be able to handle the Bengals in first place over my Steelers after they lose to the Pats. No, not even for a week. Go Seahawks.

San Francisco 49ers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Cleveland has become was Frisco was supposed to be. Exciting team with a young new quarterback to help turn around a moribund franchise. Alas, Jimmy G-sus got hurt and that all evaporated. Maybe the prophecy will still come true. For this game, sure, why not the 49ers.

NY Giants at Dallas Cowboys – The Giants have possibly the most exciting offensive player, not named Patrick Mahomes, in decades and they insist on surrounding him with the corpse of Eli Manning. Oh, they also traded OBJ in the offseason. I mean, the Cowboys have Dak Prescott, but at least they traded for a franchise receiver. Jeeze, this league is depressing sometimes.

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals – So, uh, what I just said about this league and depression. Even if Murray plays in this game, I don’t think that would be enough to get me interested. Prove me wrong random terrible NFL teams!

Sunday Night Game (Yay to the Steelers season being over after one game)

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots – The NFL tries hard to make this a rivalry. The teams try hard by talking crap back and forth. The games try hard by being close. Ultimately, it isn’t because the Patriots win every single important game. Oh, and AB is now on the Pats just like I said. If he lasts, this season is over.

Monday Night Football (2 games to start the season! How much do you love football? Meh…)

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints – This could have been a great game. It might still be. But, with the news that Drew Brees is involved in a charity that believes in “conversion therapy”. Oh man, my newfound enthusiasm for the NFL is waning. Aint’s win.

Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders: Ha. Ha ha. The NFL has a shiny new toy in the Raiders. Except that toy was made in a Chinese sweat shop and just exploded for the third time in a week, maiming their children. Sure, the toy is expensive, but it might be time to return it.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFC Preview

1 Comment

Introduction

Two for two! Welcome to the 2 Generations Gaming 2019 NFC Preview. I stated during my AFC Preview that I hoped it would lead to something. I haven’t gone back to read my preview from last year, but I may have said the same thing then. Apparently, I made it to Week 7 last year before I finally gave up the ghost on my picks last year. This year, I’ll shoot for at least midseason!

In doing some research by reading my older posts, I saw that I picked the divisional order for the teams last year. I also used pithy nicknames for some of the teams. Well, none of that this year. We are professionals! Technically not, since I haven’t gotten paid, but I could be! If you’re listening, I’m listening.

NFC East (Old guys like me talk about this as the best division in football. That confuses youngsters.)

Dallas Cowboys – Last year I made a joke that could have been construed as sexist by calling this team the Cowgirls. Yesterday, Chris and I were talking about how to make the page more relevant and I came up with the idea of thinly veiled racism and misogyny. I do believe that qualifies.

New York Giants – What do you mean, you wanted me to talk about the Cowboys? Dak wants 40 million a year and he will probably get it because Jerry Jones is old and he wants to win another Super Bowl before he dies. What more can I say? Economics in the NFL are just as screwed up in real life.

Philadelphia Eagles – The Giants? Really? Now, I know you’re putting me on. Nobody wants to hear a thing about the Giants. They’re wasting Saquan Barkley’s prime years by propping up the corpse of Eli Manning at QB. Plus, they traded his best weapon to Cleveland in the offseason. Eff outta here. Nobody wants to talk about the Giants.

Washington *redacted* – Okay, I will talk about Philly. They are the only team in this division that has a realistic chance of doing anything this year. Especially now that Carson Wentz is back and playing. *checks notes* What’s this? He’s hurt again? Not really, but you were about to Google it, weren’t you. Plus, talking about the Eagles means that I don’t have to talk about the team in our nation’s capital with the racist nickname.

NFC West (This division is starting to look like the AFC East with the Rams and 3 relegation teams)

Arizona Cardinals – I think the joke has run its course. That’s good because I seriously don’t want to even give Washington a joke preview. It’s unfortunate news because I have nothing to say about Arizona. Uh, Kyler Murray is the next Patrick Mahomes? Yeah, keep telling yourself that Cardinals fans.

Los Angeles Rams – Bill Simmons was very high on the Rams this year. I can’t figure out if that’s genuine or he’s just trying to reverse jinx them. I’m not sure why it would be the latter. They showed last year that the copy is never quite as sharp as the original when they laid that egg in the Super Bowl. Maybe he got an advance copy of the script and knows the NFL is going to their all to push this Rams/Saints rivalry.

San Francisco 49ers – The 49ers are still in San Francisco, right? For some reason, I feel like they’ve moved to another part of California. That seems to be the chic thing to do out there in the sunshine state. No, still San Fran? Well, okay. The hype train has left ol’ Jimmy G-sus in favor of some new and actually talented hotness.

Seattle Seahawks – I’ve probably told this story before. However, here it is again for new readers. Many years ago a friend and I were discussing the NFL and he said something about the Seattle team. With no irony, I replied, “Seattle has a football team?” And this was even before my hipster interest in the MLS where I would have mistaken them for the Sounders.

NFC North (Berman used to call this the Norris, but he’s retired, so I’m stealing his gag.)

Chicago Bears – You’re right. I didn’t talk about Seattle. I’m not going to talk about them here, either. That’s what you get for not having a football team, Seattle. Okay, that was a low blow. They’re still stinging from losing the Sonics and now I’m taking away the Seahawks. What, the Bears? They had one of the best defenses in years and squandered it with tandem running backs and Mitch Trubisky at QB. Shut up about the Bears.

Detroit Lions – In the interest of full disclosure and also to reveal a bit about how my thought process works, let me tell you the tale of Matthew Stafford. Matthew Stafford is the starting quarterback for the Detroit Lions. Both last year and this year when his name came up in The Ringer NFC preview, I texted Chris, “Matthew Stafford is still in the league?” The end.

Green Bay Packers – So, to piggy back on that last statement about texting with Chris, he texted me something about Max Kellerman (I think, all those pundit guys are the same person to me) saying, “Aaron Rodgers is the GOAT, but he’s not the best of all time”. It’s those sorts of stupid statements that make me wonder how I’m not doing this for a living. As Chris said, “Maybe we’re just not dumb enough.”

Minnesota Vikings – So, I put the Tampa Bay Bucanners in this spot. Never mind my questionable grasp of geography. What does that say about both the Vikings and Tampa Bay? I mean, I guess Minnesota might make a run at something in this division? But, Tampa Bay has no chance. I don’t care what Simmons says.

NFC South (Maybe we can move Tampa with Jacksonville to London)

Atlanta Falcons – Hey, I knew the Falcons were first in this division without even looking it up! Maybe I’m not “completely” ignorant of football. I’m also on board the Matt Ryan bandwagon that they have boarding at the beginning of the season. This could be a big year for Matty Ice.

Carolina Panthers – I did have to look up that the Panthers came next. So, my knowledge of the NFC South only goes one team deep. The Panthers tend to have a weird on again/off again success loop between even and odd years. This is an odd year. However, can Cam Newton even throw a football anymore? He’s in Peyton Manning territory with the shoulder surgeries.

New Orleans Saints – I know the Saints seem snake bitten. However, I’m picking them as my “it” team this year. Maybe that’s exactly why I’m picking them. I like to go against the grain so that I look like a genius when the unexpected happens. Granted, picking the Saints to be good isn’t that off the grid, but there are some rumblings about Drew Brees being old. So, maybe I’ll get to shout “Take that, haters!” at some of the talking heads.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Simmons was also really high on the Bucs. This one made no sense to me. Jameis Winston is still their quarterback, right? And, when he sucks again, Fitzmagic isn’t even there to fake everyone out for a game or two. I almost find that pick more offensive than the Kellerman quote. He must have gotten an advance copy of the script.

The Verdict

Thanks for reading 2 Guys Gaming 2019 NFC Preview. This conference feels a bit more wide open than the AFC. Unlike the AFC where the Pats (Eff the Pats) are a clear favorite, it could be the Rams, Falcons, or Saints by my measure. I just hope that it doesn’t end with a screw job like last year.

That makes me perhaps more excited to watch the NFC this year than the AFC. Sure the AFC has Mahomes and Baker, but the NFC has Brees and Ryan. Their two games this year could score 250 to 300 points cumulative. I also made the comment that unless the LA Rams throw 75 times a game, their receivers aren’t going to be fantasy studs this year. Someone replied, “They very well could.” Bring on the season.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant 2019 AFC Preview

1 Comment

Introduction

I hope that more will come from this 2019 AFC Preview. I’m trying to expand the reach of the page with some sports. Admittedly, my NFL coverage on the web page has been…spotty, let’s say. A few years ago, I covered all of the playoffs and ended up going 11-3 or something while picking the games. Last year, straight up, I was close to a 60% win rate while picking the games. I either lost interest or time because that stopped near week 6 or 7. I could look the data up on my spreadsheet, but it’s not that important.

What is important is that I’m recommitting (again, yeah, again) myself to the web page. I know that might not mean much to those who used to visit the page and then fell off when I fell off for 3 months. It also might not mean much to those of you who will discover the page during this resurgence. Just know that I have another job teaching that has given me a lot more free time. I’m rediscovering what to do with that free time. This web page and the relationship that it opens up with my kids is at the top of that list. So, join me for my hopefully entertaining and maybe even slightly insightful 2019 AFC Preview.

AFC East (If the NFL had relegation, the three non-NE teams in this division would always be there)

Buffalo Bills – Our first stop in the 2019 AFC Preview brings us to Buffalo. Most likely the last time you will see the Buffalo Bills at the top of the AFC East and that’s only because of alphabetical order. If you asked me to name 5 players on the Bills to save my own life, I’d have to call my lawyer to update my will. Look, I get that the Patriots still have to win once they are in the playoffs, but getting 6 byes a year sure doesn’t hurt their chances.

Miami Dolphins – I couldn’t name 5 Buffalo Bills. I seriously doubt I could do the same for the Dolphins, either. I’m supposed to talk about the Jets after I talk about the Patriots, but I should probably just get it over with right now. Other than the Pats, if you asked me to name 5 players from the AFC East to save my life, well, just give everything to my wife and let her and the kids figure out if all these comics books and cards are worth anything.

New England Patriots – First, I just have to say “Eff the Pats”. Long time readers of the page will recognize that statement. New readers might not know about my history with the team. By the end of the season, I will probably have purged myself of the evil once again. The latest is that the Pats were probably the surest Super Bowl bet in 5 years and I didn’t take them. Eff the Pats.

New York Jets: Oh, the guy who didn’t play for the Steelers last year. You know. The running back. They kept teasing his return and then he was supposed to be traded to the Eagles. That guy. Nope, can’t even name him. Tell my wife and kids I love them.

AFC West (I was going to go with the AFC Central next, but that division doesn’t even exist anymore)

Denver Broncos – The Broncos are one of those teams that I alternate between love and hate. Hated them when Tebow was on the team. Loved them when Manning was on the team. I don’t have any strong feeling necessarily for them right now, but I lean towards hate because they are in the same division as Mahomes and I really, really want that guy to be good for a decade or more.

Kansas City Chiefs – A few things got me back into the NFL in a big way last year. One was I actually had a decently performing fantasy football team that I was running with a friend. That has stalled this year. The other was the rise of Baker Mayfield and Patrick Mahomes. The latter gave me a weekly reason to text Chris during my 18 month hiatus from hanging out due to working evenings.

Los Angeles Chargers – I’m at the age where I’m too old to call this team Los Angeles without some intense practice and planning. They are, and always will be, the San Diego Chargers. Given what I said about Denver, I should probably hate them because they are more of a threat to KC, but it was actually fun to watch the two teams battle it out for first place.

Oakland (Vegas?) Raiders – There isn’t much to say about the Raiders right now. They are on Hard Knocks at a highly inopportune time. Why didn’t the league wait until the team moved to Vegas to have them on the show? The NFL just can’t get out of its own way when it comes to PR. I mean, I guess it’s funny because they have AB now and he’s his own circus.

AFC North (The times, they are a-changin’?)

Baltimore Ravens – As a lifelong* Steelers fan, I am contractually obligated to hate the Ravens. I’ve done it for free for pretty much their entire existence. A few things have happened to change this. One, I’m not as big of a Steelers fan as I have been in the past. Two, Lamar Jackson provided an alternative that I found highly entertaining. I don’t love the Ravens, but I have a grudging respect for them.

Cincinnati Bengals – I was going to say something about Cincinnati being the exact same team as it has been for the last decade and a half or however long Marvin Lewis was coach. But, he’s no longer coach. Still, I can say with some confidence that Cincinnati will be the same team as it has been.

Cleveland Browns – If Steelers fans are supposed to hate the Ravens, we despise the Browns. I’m not sure that it has ever fully been explained to me. I just sort of went with it. My dad hated the Browns. His father hated the Browns. My uncle and cousin. I mean, it’s just apparently what we do. Well, that all changed with the rise of Baker Mayfield. My love for Baker overcomes generations of hate.

Pittsburgh Steelers – *I put the asterisk because I used to be a lifelong Steelers fan. I’m not so sure anymore. There was some more static regarding Ben Roethlisberger, this time from Stormy Daniels. I get it. She was the “it” girl in the news for a while and maybe she was fishing for headlines, but there’s so much smoke around Big Ben and his proclivity for mistreating women. So, uh, go Black and Gold?

AFC South (Why Does This Division Even Exist?)

Houston Texans – I feel like I can just copy and paste my Houston Texans blurb each year. Every year, they bubble up to the surface as a “team to watch”. Then, every year, they bubble back down as the reality of their terribly run organization hits everyone. This team shouldn’t exist. The Houston football team should be the Oilers.

Indianapolis Colts – This article is somewhat timely. But, it is just a few days past the actual news cycle. Andrew Luck announced his retirement a few days ago. I’m not that too late, though, as my favorite sports podcast, Hang Up and Listen, was talking about it. What’s my opinion? More power to him. Get out while the gettin’s good. Enjoy the rest of your life, young man.

Jacksonville Jaguars – If the Texans shouldn’t exist because of the Oilers leaving town, the Jaguars just should exist because why do they even? I feel like if they just moved the Jaguars and Bills or Raiders to London permanently to have them play a 16 game schedule against each other, would anyone even notice?

Tennessee Titans – Of all of the teams in the South, the Titans are the only ones who are even on my radar. They have Marcus Mariotta at QB. Fun anecdote: I googled Titans QB Clemson because I couldn’t remember his name and apparently his alma mater and Charlie Whitehurst came up as the result. So, I guess they aren’t that much on my radar.

The Verdict

Thanks for reading 2 Generations Gaming’s 2019 AFC Preview. As you probably guessed, it is once again the Pats (Eff the Pats) and a bunch of never weres and never will bes. Usually, someone gets lucky every couple of years to beat the Pats (Eff the Pats) for the AFC Championship and maybe this is the year. Even so, the Pats (Eff the Pats) will be annoyingly successful and make me question the goodness of our God above.

I’m still excited for the season even if my partnership fantasy football team is in disarray and the Pats will probably win it all. Mahomes, Baker, and all of the other players will be enough to keep me going at least through until hockey starts. Then, it will become more difficult to keep my interest in the NFL. Thanks for reading our 2019 AFC Preview and look for the NFC Preview sometime in the next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids and about 25 Russian bots.

Digital Playground, Snap *censored* Pop Culture

USFL Distant Replay (Take 2)

Leave a comment

Introduction (Welcome Back to the USFL)

You may be awaiting my reaction to the NFL Conference Championship Games. The honest truth is that I have none. I didn’t watch either game. I know enough about the outcomes to know that the Super Bowl is again a contest that I have little interest in watching, so the annual Lucas-Mullen anti-Super Bowl party can go off without a hitch. Besides there are other football leagues, like the USFL. Wait, what? Didn’t they fold over 30 years ago? Read on, faithful friends!

Instead, I’m going to take some time to announce a project that I’ve been thinking about reviving. It’s something that I messed around with back in the dark ages of the internet. It is football related. It notoriously happened in the spring. Yes, if those easy clues (and the dead give away in the title) weren’t enough of an indication, I will spell it out. I’m bringing back the USFL.

Spring football? It’ll never work. And it didn’t. But, this time it will.

Why the USFL?

I don’t want to be that a-hole, but let’s face it. I’m that a-hole. Why not the USFL? Other than the AFL, it was the most legitimate football league other than the NFL. Sure, it had problems. Big problems as I’m learning by listening to the audiobook, Football for a Buck by Jeff Perlman. But, as commissioner and limited demigod of the league, I can avoid all of those problems and write my own narrative of the league.

While I don’t have a definitive “This was my introduction to the USFL” like Perlman, I did know about the league as a kid. I have vague memories of certain players and teams, if not actual games. It was an oddity from my youth similar to the World Basketball League.

If you’ve never heard of the World Basketball League, look it up.
That was dysfunction at its finest.

I certainly never considered that I’d be the one to attempt to simulate the league not once, but twice. Then, the internet came along. I learned about a computer game that would simulate football games like the old electric football games. I saw that a fan web page had put together rosters for the 1983, 1984, and maybe even 1985 USFL teams.

During its first iteration, the USFL Distant Replay only made it through the 1983 season, but it was quite an endeavor. Having learned some HTML (yeah, this was a while ago), I put together a web page for the main league and all of the teams. I don’t know that I will be able to maintain that level of dedication, but I want to give the league another go.

Why Now?

I don’t want to get predictable, so I won’t respond with “Why Not Now?” Except, I sort of already did, didn’t I? But, rest assured that I didn’t want to do that. It’s just that I’m a dad. The dad jokes sort of come with the territory. I can’t help myself.

My personal all time favorite.

Just like the why the USFL, the why now isn’t terribly complicated. I noticed a few months ago on social media that Dave Koch sports was having a sale on their football game. I also picked up their hockey and basketball game, too. I haven’t yet spent money on the baseball or golf games.

Well, I used the football game to play around with a theory that I heard that the Patriots would be just as good or better with Aaron Rodgers but that Tom Brady wouldn’t make the Packers any better. I’m not sure how much I believe, but it did speak to my irrational Patriots hate, so I went along. Results were inconclusive. Playing the game brought up the memories of my misadventures with the USFL. The game has rosters available for the league. I heard about a book written about the USFL that I’m currently listening to while I do my night job. It just all sort of fell into place.

Okay, I’m Sold

That’s probably not true. I’m a terrible salesman, confirmed by my job working in sales at a local TV and appliance store. Still, I hope there is some interest in the league still and my attempts to not only bring it back, but allow it to flourish into a viable little brother to the NFL. As I said, I won’t be able to dedicate nearly as much time as I did before. Still, it should be a fun time and stay tuned for the launch of the USFL Distant Replay (take 2) sometime soon!

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Conference Championship Preview

Leave a comment

Introduction

A few years ago, to fill in some of the dead time, I started talking about college and professional football on the page. I hadn’t watched the NFL with any regularity for several years at that point. So, I came up with a gimmick of the “Completely Ignorant” NFL pundit. I actually used the gimmick earlier in the season for a picks column through week 7 or 8. Then, the realities of life reduced my picks to clicking team logos on a FanDuel screen. Pardon my French, but c’est la vie. Oh well, on with my Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Conference Championship preview.

I’m going to do this a bit differently. Having spent the better part of two hours last night listening to podcasts, I am no closer to knowing with any certainty who is going to win these games. Therefore, I’m going to rate each potential Super Bowl match up on a rigorous scale that I’ve developed. Each possibility will be given from 0 to 10 “Eff the Pats”. For reference, last year’s Super Bowl that forced me to root for the Eagles was 10 “Eff the Pats”. Also, in all honesty, I was rooting for the meteor last year.

2019 NFL Conference Championship Crystal Ball (Pats vs. Rams)

Don’t get me started on this TB12 nonsense…

I rank this one 8 “Eff the Pats”, always 5 from the actual Pats and 3 from the Rams. First, we’ve seen this matchup before. Sure, it was almost 20 years ago, but it was the start of this Patriots dynasty and the start of my slow descent into madness. It is well documented in text and on this site, so I won’t go into it unless this is the reality that we end up living in after tomorrow. What you might wonder is why 3 for the Rams? I just fear that they could become the new Pats with a “genius” head coach and an unproven quarterback. I’d rather put that off for as long as possible.

2019 NFL Conference Championship Crystal Ball (Pats vs. Saints)

I mean, seriously, this picture makes him look like he’s about to say “Aw shucks” or he just said it.

I give this one the requisite 5 “Eff the Pats”. If the Patriots have to make the Super Bowl again, at least give us a matchup that we haven’t ever seen before. Plus, I like the Saints. Drew Brees is the original underdog quarterback, but he never quite got to the annoying saturation point of “humble” Tom Brady. And, Sean Payton was once the hot new replacement for “genius” Bill Belichick, but that never materialized either. The Saints are sort of an alternate universe where the Patriots don’t become the bane of society. Finally, as black and actual gold, they become a good surrogate for my Steelers.

2019 NFL Conference Championship Crystal Ball (Chiefs vs. Rams)

Then there’s this guy who looks like he should be a lawyer for some shady Silicon Valley start up that’s been accused of rampant sexual misconduct.

I give this one the aforementioned 3 “Eff the Pats” for the Rams alone. The good part of this is that the Patriots are nowhere to be seen. There’s no chance of them somehow stumbling into another Super Bowl victory by a last second field goal in the “most exciting” Super Bowl ever. I love this version of the Chiefs and are meh about the Rams. If the Rams win the game, I can worry about their potential dynasty later.

2019 NFL Conference Championship Crystal Ball (Chiefs vs. Saints)

And the real MVP this year, Mahomes is already on one name status for me. Bring it home!

This one gets zero “Eff the Pats”. I can rest assured in the fact that neither the old Pats nor the new version will have any chance to build on nor start their narrative as the most successful franchise in NFL history. Either Mahomes or Brees is okay by me as the face of the league for the offseason. This is just the feel good story that I need for the next 6 months before the NFL season starts up again. With how feel good has been performing lately, that means there is no chance of it happening.

The Verdict

Overall, this year isn’t as objectionable as last year. I had to root against two teams last year and they both won. This year, I just have to put all of my bad mojo into the Patriots bucket. Done and done. I won’t be watching either of these games as it looks like I will be digging out from under a foot and a half of snow and maybe even playing in it for some of the time. All of you who are watching, enjoy it and give a few extra “Eff the Pats” for me.