I started this series last year in a completely fictional sense. Then, after the Super Bowl played out, Fan Duel went live in Massachusetts. I took the 200 dollars they gave me and turned it into 1000. Then, I got stupid and lost it all. Oh well, let that be a lesson to us all. Bet virtual money as if it was real money because, hell, it actually is. Living in the future is weird. Even with all of that, I intend to stick to my mantra of not betting on a game where the ball bounces funny, so Betting the Bowl 2024 exists only on the internet.
Ridiculous Prop Bets for Super Bowl 58
Coin Toss
I went on a bit of a rant last year about the coin toss. While this represents probably the safest bet in all of gambling, I can’t bring myself to accept that anyone actually bets this thing with any conviction.
Gatorade Color
They zagged last year with purple. I put virtual money on either green or yellow with some money on red because those were the colors of the teams. Now, I’m thinking that they zagged to rake in that easy money from dopes like me who think they know something about something. Which now makes me think that they might zig this time since purple hit a few times over the last few years.
Scorigami
I saw this in an article that I searched for prop bets. Ever since visiting the page after several mentions on my favorite sports podcast, I became somewhat obsessed with Scorigami. It’s when a score occurs that never occurred before. While there’s a low chance, 25 to 1 is nothing to sneeze at. I’d throw five bucks that way.
Single Dollar Picks
Stealing yet another Bill Simmons idea, I came up with single dollar picks for last year’s article. He has million dollar picks. I have single dollar picks. Last year, I bet 1 dollar and won back 94 cents, so I have 1.94 to play with this year.
Surest Bet (KC to win the first half): The Chefs MO against the Rats in the AFC Championship was to come out firing and then just slowly squeeze the life out of them in the second half. And it worked. Add to the fact that Brock Purdy’s been slow starting games and that just makes sense to me. Plus, it’s even money and you can parlay for better odds on another ticket. Bet: 0.39 cents to win 0.38.
Game/MVP Parlay (SF/Purdy, KC/Mahomes): I cleaned up a few years ago with the Kupp MVP selection, but it’s usually a quarterback. KC/Mahomes pays +350 and SF/Purdy gives +514. Either way, you make money. Only possible spoiler I see i Kelce getting 3 TDs. 0.25 on each to win 0.88 with Mahomes or 1.29 with Purdy.
Taking the Number Here (Kelce to score first TD): He’s 7.5 to one to get it done. If KC wins the toss, defers, and stones SF on their first drive, I can see Mahomes leaning on Kelce and him scoring. Bet: 0.10 to win back 0.75.
I gotta be honest here. I’m not terribly inspired to write this article right now and I can’t find any bets that interest me other than those ones. So, I’m pocketing my winnings from last year and I’ll finish up with the Perplexing Penny Parlay.
Perplexing Penny Parlay
Last year, I put together a parlay that paid out over 100 dollars on a single penny bet. I also wanted the bet to be somewhat plausible. That worked out to 5 out of the 7 legs hitting and me feeling pretty good about myself. I think I said I might shoot for 1 million this year, but maybe I’ll just add one zero for Betting the Bowl 2024.
Chiefs First Half (-102)
Chiefs Game (+100)
Under 47.5 (-110)
Patrick Mahomes MVP (+125)
Travis Kelce First TD (+750)
Travis Kelce Most Receptions (+155)
Longest TD Under 1.5 Yards (-160)
Scorigami (+2000)
Total Payout of 125.83 on a penny bet. Getting to 1000 proved to be too hard this year, so as 31 teams find themselves saying every year, “Wait until next year.” Maybe I will have more inspiration then.
The Verdict
Last year I watched the Super Bowl with my father in law. This year, he invited me again to watch with my brother in law. Then, Chris and Jason invited me over. Then, my father in law invited m y wife and sister in law. I think that all of this social time is inhibiting my interest in betting the bowl 2024. Instead, I just want to sit and watch with my family this year.
Way back in January of last year, I covered the Super Bowl from a fan standpoint and one of a potentially degenerate gambler. While I never developed the gambling habit, I still enjoyed parts of this season and the text chains that Jason, Chris, and I wrote in response. In the past, I covered every round of the playoffs. Sometimes I forgot and only wrote about the Super Bowl. This year, inspired by the Lions and their unlikely appearance and my dime that I put on the Ravens at +140 at the beginning of the playoffs, I’ll take some time to talk about the 2024 NFL Conference Championships.
2024 NFC Conference Championship: Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers
Why I’d root for the 49ers: They just get shit done. In spite of the hype about the Eagles at the beginning of the season and the Cowboys at the beginning of the playoffs, here they are again with a chance to play in their 8th Super Bowl and their 3rd in the last ten years. Plus, how can you not root for an underdog quarterback taken late in the draft. Unless his name is Tom Brady. Eff that guy.
Why I’d root for the Lions: I mean, isn’t this one obvious? Other than the Browns and Bills and, maybe even including them, the Lions fans are some of the most long suffering in the league. They had Barry freaking Sanders for 10 years and were only able to win one playoff game in that time. I mean, before the Bills had their hearts ripped out again, I wanted Detroit and Buffalo for the first time winners bowl. Alas, we can still get the Lions.
2024 AFC Conference Championship: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens
Why I’d root for the *dry heave* Ravens: The bet. Really, that’s it. Eh, I guess I kinda like Lamar, too. Otherwise, screw the zombie Browns.
Why I’d root for the Chiefs: Those who frequent the page often know there’s only one answer to this one, too. Mahomes. Literally, that’s it. I still love the guy in spite of everything and refuse to join the mob that builds people up just to tear them down. Okay, I do kinda like the Kelce/T-Swizzle storyline, too. I mostly just like how upset it makes big tough football dudes.
The Verdict
The 2024 NFL Conference Championships are much less interesting without the Bills. But, I do have the dime on the Ravens and the hope that the Lions can pull off the win against the 49ers. Come back after the games for our post mortem and then the Super Bowl preview.
Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).
I wrote about my success Betting the Bowl 2023 yesterday. The cliffs notes version (I discussed this with a student the other day. Do they even do cliffs notes anymore? I know they also had Spark Notes, but I never hear about them either) reads as follows. Local math teacher bets 99 cents to win back 93 cents. Extrapolate that out to any meaningful amount of money and I paid off my mortgage this year. But, there’s more to the Super Bowl than just betting. So, I present our Super Bowl LVII Post Mortem.
Wait, what? More to the Super Bowl than betting? Of course. Food. Commercials. Halftime show. And, oh yea, they played a game, too. Naturally, the game ended with controversy. I heard someone say that if you want to say the NFL is rigged, just look at the fact that Super Bowls always stay competitive until the end of the game and often with a reason to discuss them for at least a week after they end. But, we focus on the positive here.
Food (Not as Fancy as Years Past, But Still Tasty)
Those who follow the page know that we often don’t watch the game around here. In my house, only I care about football. So, I made a deal a few years ago with my family. Now, we pick a movie or television show and watch a marathon. I make the traditional types of food associated with the Super Bowl. Usually, I make jalapeno poppers, twice baked potatoes, chicken and beef sliders, and marinated chicken tenders (I know people get mad when you call them “wings” because people just get mad these days).
Hell, I could make people really apoplectic by saying they’re made out of cauliflower.
This year, I actually received an invitation to watch the game. My father in law invited me over to watch. Usually, he watches with my brother in law, but either he was busy or didn’t care because the Patriots were nowhere to be found this year. As a result, my mother in law made pasta for us and I spread the apps around the remainder of last week.
Commercials (Serena Proves Memorable, Everyone Else Needs a Reminder)
First, ignore the perversity of watching an event strictly for the commercials. I promise to leave my communist agenda at the door if you promise to agree that a billion dollars is too much money for one person to possess. Okay? Okay. Now, about those commercials.
Honestly, thinking back on them, I remember exactly one. Well, I remember two, but the second makes me so furious that I want t o murder who ever came up with the idea. You’re curious, aren’t you? Give me a chance. Maybe I’ll tell you. Okay, just because I want it done and over with. The fucking Jesus commercials. You have multiple billions of dollars to spend and you spend it on two Super Bowl commercials? What about the actual mission of Jesus to feed and clothe the poor? Yeah, I thought so. Sorry for the curse word, but it makes me so mad.
Think POSITIVE!!!
The only other one I remember without looking it up involves Serena Williams giving the Any Given Sunday speech. To show how ineffective I find advertisements, I have no idea what they advertised. Simply that Serena Williams gave the speech. So, yea, billions well spent.
After looking them up, I also enjoyed the Ben Affleck Dunkin Donuts ad, mostly because I remember hearing about it when they filmed it. Seeing Jesse and Walt again brought back good memories. And, I danced a little bit with the couple on hold. Plus, one of my former colleagues posted that they used a local police department’s hold music. That made me smile. Other than that, I used the commercials as God intended, to use the bathroom. He definitely gets us.
Halftime Show (Is She? Am I Allowed to Ask that? Oh Wait, That’s Umbrella!)
Rhianna came out looking very pregnant. I refrained from asking the question because, ignorant of her situation, I wanted to remain respectful. So, I watched, and made a few comments in the group chat with Chris and Jason. My father in law finally broke the ice, so I looked it up. Rhianna performed the halftime show pregnant less than a year after giving birth. I don’t care who you are. That’s impressive. Except, remember how I said that people in this country get mad about everything. Yeah, a certain segment of the population in this country (or Russian bots pretending) got mad about it.
Dab on the haters. You go, girl!
My only complaint. She performed umbrella without Jay-Z. It made me even more upset when I saw that he attended the game. I understand that Jay-Z can do what he wants with his time, but can you imagine the reaction on Twitter? Oh well, I still enjoyed the show. Y’all should try not being such grumpy gusses.
Why I’m Mad the Chiefs Won
I came up with this half baked idea the other day when planning the article in my head. I think I wrote something along these lines when I wrote the preview article. I’m not mad the Chiefs won, but according to my social media, many of my friends and associates are. I wonder why.
5. Betting – I heard none of this talk from the people in my circle, but some of my podcasts talked about how the betting money went heavy in the favor of the Eagles. So, those who bet on the wrong side of the game got their narrative that the NFL fixed the game. Stay mad.
4. Mahomes – I love Mahomes. Granted, even I started to get sick of him a bit this year, so I suppose I sympathize with this line of thinking. Even so, watching him play football puts all of that out of my mind and I fall in love all over again. Stay mad.
3. Eagles Fans – Admittedly, I try not to associate with such lower life forms (I joke Iggs. I love all people), but I understand their pain here. My Steelers won way more Super Bowls than they lost (okay, I’ll stop piling on), but the ones they lost sting with that feeling of what might have been. Take solace in the fact that rarely do Super Bowl runners up ever make it back to the big game the next year and losing both coordinators makes it tougher. Okay, I’m done. But, seriously, stay mad.
2. Patriots Fans – Living in Massachusetts, I associate with many Patriots fans. I saw more than one piss and moan about how the Chiefs bled the last two minutes off the clock. I kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to make the comment. Patriots fans during this Super Bowl: I hate what the Chiefs are doing, but I find it strangely familiar and attractive. Stay mad.\
In bill we trust, but Eff Andy Reid, right? Sports are so weird.
1. Refs – Two weeks in a row, the Chiefs benefited from dubious calls at the end of the game. Part of the reason I started to turn on Mahomes was the hit out of bounds against the Bungs. Then, I remembered if not for that, the Bungs maybe went to the Super Bowl. So, eff that. Maybe you think the end of the game sucked. But, a textbook hold and Mahomes threw the ball that way to make sure they caught it on tape. The ref got caught in damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. He’s human. He made a split second decision. Stay mad.
Why I’m Elated the Chiefs Won
Now, we finally come to the reason for writing my Super Bowl LVII post mortem. Hey, I’m a fan, not a professional journalist. I owe nothing in the way of journalistic integrity. I already said that I love Mahomes and hate the Iggs and Bungs. So, the fact that they made those fan bases even more miserable gives me great schadenfreude.
Aside from that, and not to lecture too much, but it’s only a damn game. Like I said to my father when he asked at the beginning for a prediction. First, I said, I usually can predict with some confidence. Not so this year. So, I went with, “Don’t bet against Mahomes.” Then I said, I can’t even really come up with a reason to hate either of these teams except that I’m from Pittsburgh and we hate Philly for some reason. I guess I’m maturing.
I troll, but I love ya, Philly
So, I went with joy. I love Mahomes. Andy Reid deserves a few championships for recognizing and utilizing Mahomes to his full potential. Travis Kelce is a ridiculous talent, too. Juju got run out of Pittsburgh, so good on him for finding a soft landing spot. They all won and good for them.
Five Big Plays
A million years ago, I ran a Pittsburgh Steelers fan page. It existed so early in the days of the internet that it ranked as the #2 or #3 (depending on the week) such page at the time. During the evolution of the page, I came up with the idea for a five big plays section in recaps. I think I used it once before on this page, but don’t remember. Well, if so, the triumphant return of five big plays in this Super Bowl LVII post mortem!
5. KC wins the toss and defers: Not an earth shattering strategy. Most teams now defer to the second half when given the option. But, when Philly went right down and scored, I got a bit nervous. Then, Mahomes matched. Okay, game on. The strategy nearly paid off, but the Chiefs borked the end of the first half before righting the ship at halftime and coming out gangbusters in the second half. That all started with the very first decision of the game.
4. Jalen Hurts Fumble: This changed the entire complexion of the game. But, perversely, not how you expect. A. Philly looked almost unstoppable and they proved it for the rest of the first half. B. The Chiefs defense showed they came to play a bit. C. It kept Mahomes off the field for a ridiculous amount of time. So, no momentum shift and it weirdly benefited Philly. Yet, they took no advantage from it and that showed up later in the game.
3. Pacheco Touchdown: As mentioned, KC deferred. They took the opening kickoff right at Philly and Philly showed no capacity to handle the halftime adjustments made by KC. You want to look for a reason that KC won, look no further. Good experienced coach punks good young coach. Simple formula, really.
Plus, because of the terrible field, he almost blew out his ACL celebrating.
2. The Reversed Fumble: People want to talk about the officiating, but strangely leave this call out of the conversation. If this call stands, I think KC rolls for the rest of the game. Sure, Philly showed some sparks of life in the second half, but I think this play negates any of that if not overturned.
1. The Hold: I may sound very condescending here. I apologize in advance. I understand why people might be upset about this call. Many people who watch the Super Bowl, even those who watch football regularly, can be easily swayed by public opinion. And, yes, I might even be persuaded to agree that the call maybe needed to be ignored. But, I also explained up above how. Put yourself in that ref’s shoes. Really, honestly, think about it. See? We’re all human. And, honestly, it’s very large men playing a child’s game.
The Verdict
I enjoyed Super Bowl LVII. And, I enjoyed writing this Super Bowl LVII post mortem. I missed watching movies or television shows with my family. Especially as the kids get older, you get less and less of a chance of that. But, and not to get too personal here, we got through a lot as a family the last few years and came out stronger. So, those opportunities will present themselves again. I hope you enjoyed this version of the Super Bowl LVII post mortem and see you next year.
Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).
Finally, we arrived at the 2022 NFl Conference Championships. This last week felt like it took forever. I covered that already in my last post. I want to use this one to celebrat two posts in two days. The only problem is that, unless I write much faster than my usual pace, this post will go live after at least the Chiefs/Bungs start. All I can do is promise that (even though I have fake money on the games), I will keep from watching the games if I intend to make predictions.
Generally, I don’t make predictions, though. It’s a bit of a miracle that I put even fake money on the games. Dad always said don’t bet on a game where the ball bounces funny. But, I suppose I’ve been listening to too much Simmons and especially Sal and they influenced me. But, I made 2000 fake dollars last week, so maybe I fly to Vegas for the Super Bowl.
2022 NFL Conference Championships (The Mahomes Scale)
A few years ago, I put together a Mahomes scale. I think either it was a modification of the Brady scale or the Brady scale was a modification of the Mahomes scale. In either case, whenever we get to the conference Championships, I rank each matchup by how excited I am to watch them. Obviously, you want more Mahomes (and, by extension less Brady) because he’s quite possibly the most exciting player in the league right now.
Author’s Note: The Chiefs automatically rank as 7 Mahomes. After last week, the Bills get 5 as well. So, a perfect rank on the Mahomes scale is 12 now instead of 10. If Josh Allen improves anymore, we might have to adjust the scale accordingly.
I would watch the f**k out of this
Super Bowl LVI: Cincinnati/San Francisco (0 Mahomes)
I can’t think of a more boring game that this one. Sure, Joe Burrow can be exciting, but the 49ers defense would most likely smother the Cincy offense. I see this one being 13-9 or something along those lines and Bosa becoming only the second defensive player to win MVP. Hold on, let me check those odds. Okay, I’m back. Put 10 bucks to win over 4000 just for giggles. Also, I’m worried because several have made the point that the first Cincy/SF Super Bowl was Madden’s first and he just died. The NFL loves that sentimental bullshit.
Super Bowl LVI: Cincinnati/Los Angeles Rams (3 Mahomes)
If you told me two years ago that Matt Stafford would rank 3 on the Mahomes scale, I’d have either (a) figured that 90% of the league folded or (b) found a way to put a futures bet in for the Lions to win the Super Bowl this year. Maybe both. But, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point about this, I like Rams Matt Stafford. He’s certainly come a long way from being the butt of my “he’s still in the league” jokes from a few years ago. That’s for sure.
Super Bowl LVI: Kansas City/San Francisco (7 Mahomes)
Okay, now we’re talking. We get Mahomes. We get a rematch from 2 Super Bowls ago. The Frisco defense might be able to keep Mahomes in check, but he always finds a way. Dr. Ian Malcolm warned us. Now we live with the consequences. At least they are mostly positive consequences, like his ultimate “Forgot About Dre” game last week.
Super Bowl LVI: Kansas City/Los Angeles Rams (10 Mahomes)
Aside from the dream match up of watching Mahomes and Allen go at it for 7 games (heck, I’d even settle for 5) and a grand total of 84 (or 60) Mahomes, this is the next best thing. Of the two quarterbacks left in the NFC, the only one I see hanging with Mahomes is Stafford. If the football gods are listening, please make this happen.
The Verdict
The only matchup I hate and never want to see is Cincinnati/San Francisco. Though, I will say, if that parlay hits, I win 2000 fake collars. So, that along with being one of the only games where I cheer for the Bengals almost makes it worth maybe 1 Mahomes in retrospect I’ll take that into consideration and maybe adjust accordingly.
Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).
No other title in the history of this web page matches as well as Super Bowl LV Post Mortem. Hell, I needed almost a week to mourn the loss. Thank you for your patience during this radio silence. I promise next week will be back to normal. I plan on finally finishing the comics from this month and either playing D&D with the family or doing the new MTG set review.
RIP in pepperonis my excitement about the National Football League.
Well, Tom Brady won….again. He looked flawless…again. In all honesty, I fully expected the Bucs to win. As I texted Chris when I heard the news, “Paranoia is setting in. The entire Chefs offensive line is backups.” He replied with a story from WEEI that said half of the team might have COVID after getting hair cuts. That turned out to be untrue. Nevertheless, Tom Brady and his deal with the devil endures.
And, still, this outcome dilutes my anticipation of next season. Sure, you could make the argument that I should be anticipating the revenge and redemption story of Patrick Mahomes. Sorry, I’m just not that kind of fan. I watch football at this stage in my life because I find it fun and I find no joy in Tom Brady curb stomping Mudville out of existence. In the interest of getting back into the habit of posting, let’s do this Super Bowl LV Post Mortem.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Instead of wallowing in the swamp that is my indifference towards what others call greatness (Look, I admit, he’s great. It’s also boring.), I will focus on the positive. An impossible task? As a great man once said, “You underestimate my power.”
Granted, that didn’t work out so well for him. Perhaps I should choose my allegiances more carefully.
If we go back to my preview article about the Bucs, I listed two people that I’d be happy for if they won. Granted, I did write that article on a high that Kansas City was going to thoroughly eviscerate Tampa Bay. Now that I have to face the reality, do I still feel the same?
Sure, I picked Gronkenstein mostly as a lark. But, I admit that I actually feel good for the old lunk. I can’t explain my sudden change of heart that doesn’t extend to The Golden Boy. Oh well, best to not analyze it. Just wallow in my hatred. Avoidance is a healthy way to deal with our problems. Speaking of avoidance…
I’m extremely happy for Bruce Arians. Again, I say, the Steelers made the wrong decision in picking Ben over him. This extremely limited data point proves me right on that point. Congratulations to Mr. Arians. He deserves this and if any coach could get me to feel even slightly good about a Mahomes loss.
Kansas City Chiefs
And, so, we congratulate the Buccaneers on winning the Super Bowl. It’s just too bad that they had to win because the other team forfeited the game. Avoidance and denial. Two healthy coping mechanisms for sure. Though, to be honest, a forfeit comes close to the truth. I will say one thing about the Chiefs. Bill Maher made the point by saying, “Somehow this team is still called the Chiefs. Washington doesn’t even have a name. They’re literally just ‘Team’, but these guys get to keep Chiefs for some reason.” I guess love for Patrick Mahomes blinds me to the blatant racism of this team name.
The Verdict
Growing up, the Super Bowl always sucked. Most of the time, the NFC won in convincing fashion. Tom Brady changed all of that. Nearly every game he played in was exciting and decided by a field goal or less. For a while, I enjoyed that change of pace. Little did I know that I’d be enjoying that change of pace for over 2 decades. Time for some new blood. Hopefully this is a one time thing and I can find a reason to look forward to next season.
Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).
