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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 14 Preview

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Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 14. The only football I watched last week was the Bills handing it to the Cowboys and I kept a close eye on the Patriots getting manhandled by a subpar Houston Texans team. That gives me some hope for this year. The Patriots have trouble with mobile quarterbacks and right now that’s pretty much all that the AFC has to offer. Either Houston, Baltimore, or KC if Mahomes is 100% will absolutely destroy the Pats in the playoffs this year. Happy birthday to me?

A few weeks ago, I decided to do away with the picks for this particular column. Instead, I’ve decided to do something slightly different with my previews. First it was what you should watch instead of each game, then in keeping with the sentiment, what each game made me thankful for. This week, inspired by a single such stat, I’m going to come up with a weird stat/fact for each game. So, without anymore fanfare, on with 2019 NFL Week 14.

Toilet Bowls

Miami at New York Jets – Fun Fact: Miami could have been the first team with a winless and undefeated regular season. They screwed that up by winning a couple of weeks ago and now it looks like they might actually be trying.

Cincinnati at Cleveland – Fun Fact: The rivers in Ohio and Pennsylvania used to be so polluted that they would catch on fire. I have no idea what about this game made me think about that particular fact.

Washington at Green Bay – Fun Fact: Follow the link for the Wikipedia page for the top 50 wealthiest senators. Consider that at least 50% (and the list stops at 8.6 million or something) of senators are millionaires. Now, consider that they are supposed to be your representatives. Someone worth over 100 million dollars surely understands and legislates on behalf of the struggle to pay my water bill on time.

New York Giants at Philadelphia – Fun Fact: I just ran the ESPN Playoff simulator because I noticed that all of the teams in this division could finish 6-10. In that case, I was hoping that the Giants, at 2-10 could run the table and win the division. Unfortunately, Dallas would win. But a 6-10 division winner would go a long way to exposing this farce of a league, so let’s hope for the worst.

Tennessee at Vegas – Fun Fact: I know that the Raiders don’t play in Vegas yet. But, they might as well. Would anyone in Oakland, Los Angeles, or London miss them if they moved today?

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay – Fun Fact: Jameis Winston is quite possibly the best bad quarterback or the worst good quarterback in the league. Either way, the NFL is so desperate for QBs that he will most certainly make 100s of millions of dollars this offseason. Think about that the next time you cash a paycheck.

If they’re on, you’ll watch

Los Angeles Chargers at Jacksonville – Fun Fact? Speaking of teams living where they don’t belong and aren’t wanted, the Chargers are the kid who was granted to the father. The father is having a midlife crisis. He moves in with a younger girlfriend. She doesn’t respect him. She just wants his money. But, he stays because he also thinks it impresses his friends. It doesn’t.

Denver at Houston – Fun Fact: Denver is the Mile High City. Denver is in Colorado. Colorado was one of the first states to legalize weed. That’s the set up. You can fill in the punchline.

Detroit at Minnesota – Fun Fact: Barry Sanders was a featured guest on the Detroit Thanksgiving Day game. Frank Gore recently passed him on the all time list. Never mind how surprised I am that Frank Gore is still playing. It took him 222 games to get there. Sanders did it in 153. Simply amazing.

Carolina at Atlanta – Fun Fact: I don’t even know who Carolina’s quarterback is at this point. Oh, okay. I just looked it up and now I understand the “Allen #2” reference on Simmons and Sal. I guess you do learn something new every day.

Now You’re Interested

Pittsburgh at Arizona – Fun Fact: Once upon a time the Steelers and the Cardinals had to merge teams. I don’t remember the exact circumstances. However, as a sometimes Steelers fan, I wouldn’t mind doing so this year just to have Kyler Murray.

Seattle at Los Angeles Rams – Fun Fact: Once upon a time, I was talking to a friend and he said something about Seattle’s football team. I looked at him, in all earnestness, and said, “Seattle has a football team?” It isn’t that bad, but I’m much more invested in the Sounders than the Seahawks.

Kansas City at New England – Fun Fact: Chris is a New England fan. You’d think that with my “Eff the Pats” routine, there might be some friction. However, he’s a genuine fan. Not a “you hate us if you ain’t us” guy. So, we get along. Also, he texted me, without prompting, “KC will destroy NE.” I didn’t agree 100%, but it would be nice to throw Pats nation into a panic with 2 losses in a row.

San Francisco at New Orleans: Fun Fact: Chris and I both have either San Fran or Seattle in the Super Bowl this year against Baltimore. I think we are both leaning harder to Seattle, but either team would be fun. Just as long as it isn’t the Pats. Eff the Pats.

Game of the Week

Baltimore at Buffalo – Fun Fact: This is the only fact that I actually came into this article with an idea of what to write. Hopefully it is was worth the wait. Buffalo, in second place, currently has a better record than half of the division leaders. That second place makes them a 5th seed in the AFC. Tell me more about how the NFL is America’s favorite because it’s a meritocracy.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 14 isn’t too bad, actually. I’m all in on both the Bills/Ravens and SF/NO. It will be fun to see if KC really can effectively end the Pats season. Pittsburgh and Arizona will hopefully extend the farce that is the Steelers for this season. The rest of the games are the usual poop fest that the NFL has become.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 13 Preview

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Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 13. Last week I tried something different with my preview. Instead of picking the games, I picked something that I’d rather watch instead of each of the games. I’m not sure how well it reads, but I like the concept, so I will expand on it and try to figure out how to make it work better for the rest of this season and next.

I do know that it would get boring to continually read about my plans to watch things other than football games. Therefore, and because it is Thanksgiving week in the NFL, I will discuss the things that I’m thankful for because of the games. Again, who knows how it will read, but I’m nothing if not persistent.

Also, there is another new category for this week. It is a special one that will only happen during this week in the season. I don’t use the word necessarily as a judgement (even though the games are pretty terrible this year). I just like that we can use “turkey” in so many contexts. Yay for English!

Finally, I have replaced the heading names with more gastronomic terms. Sorry in advance. It’s just all these games are crap. Now, on to 2019 NFL Week 13!

The Turkeys

Chicago at Detroit– You may think there’s not much to be thankful about this game. You’d be right. But, given my history with the Bears defense and fantasy football, I guess I’m thankful that I don’t have to pay attention to any of these games because I’m not in a league.

Buffalo at Dallas – This game makes me thankful for Thanksgiving dinner. By the time this game rolls around, I’m in a gluttony induced state of immobility on the couch. Lying in front of a fire and thinking about leftovers.

Atlanta at New Orleans – Simmons and Sal said that this game happened last year, too, on Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for our crack research team here at 2 Generations Gaming that has been able to confirm that, in fact, this game happened at the exact same time last year. Whoever’s running this simulation is getting lazy.

The Sewer

Washington at Carolina – What is there to be thankful for here? The racist nickname? Oh, we went to South Carolina last summer and that was an amazing trip that our kids still talk about. Oh, and we stopped in DC and had great ramen for dinner.

New York Jets at Cincinnati – I had a difficult time ranking these games from most to least objectionable. They are all terrible. I’m thankful that I don’t have to travel to work on this game. Those poor people. All they wanted was a job in show business and this is their reward.

Tennessee at Indianapolis – I swear to God this game is on the schedule every week. I’m thankful for the South divisions. I know that sounds weird after I called for their abolition last week. But, at least the fact that this game happens once a week reaffirms that we are living in a simulation.

Los Angeles Rams at Arizona – I’m thankful for Kyler Murray. Thanks to him, Lamar Jackson, and Patrick Mahomes, the NFL might start to become slightly less conservative and more fun to watch.

Toilet Bowls

Green Bay at New York Giants – I’m thankful for snow in November. I know the game is in New York and I don’t think that there is snow in the forecast, but Green Bay always makes me think of snow. Wasn’t this the Ice Bowl? At least Green Bay was there.

Philadelphia at Miami – I’m thankful that Miami has a nice climate (for now until it sinks into the ocean because of climate change), so that it takes their minds off of their terrible football team. Their city sinking into the ocean would do that too, I imagine. So, it’s all aces in southern Florida

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville – Once upon a time, Christine and I were planning to move to Tampa Bay. More accurately, it was St Petersburg. Either way, I’m thankful we didn’t. I don’t know if I’d make a proper Florida man.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh – I’m thankful for my family and friends back in Pennsylvania. I’ve often said that I never felt at home until I got to Massachusetts. I know that might sound rude towards them, but I mean no disrespect to them. I wish they could all move up here.

The Bowels

Minnesota at Seattle – I’m thankful that the Sounders won the MLS Cup this year. I became a huge fan of MLS this year and for my favorite team to win the cup was pretty amazing. Add to it, Liverpool is 8 points clear in the lead. It’s a great year for real football.

New England at Houston – I’m thankful that I have more or less been able to avoid Patriots fans this year. Sure, they are 10-1, but the Golden Boy has been less than stellar. Plus, there are rumors that he’s going to leave at the end of the year. Pats fans aren’t sure what to do with that so they’ve been mostly quiet. Hope the Ravens destroy them in the playoffs and really drive that stake in.

Las Vegas at Kansas City – I’m thankful for Cousin Sal. He is the only reason that I even listen to Simmons podcast every week and most weeks I enjoy Sal’s podcast even more. Also, Patrick Mahomes. I don’t want him to get jealous of my Lamar Jackson man crush.

The Stomach (Game of the Week)

San Francisco at Baltimore – I’m thankful for Chris. He’s trying his hardest to keep me invested in the NFL in spite of my increased disinterest in the league. This week, he used the ol’ Lamar Jackson trick. He knows exactly what to say. <3

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 13 is a stinker. It isn’t as bad as some weeks and I will actually end up watching some football through my eyelids after eating too much turkey. However, I doubt that I’ll see any of the weekend games. Have a great Thanksgiving weekend, all, and hope to see you next week for some Pokemon talk.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 12 Preview

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Note: I think that last week might be the last time I pick games. I’m trying something different for NFL Week 12.

Introduction

We made it to the NFL week 12. 3/4 of the way through the season. The next month or so will probably actually be completely ignorant again. I have been paying some attention to this season because I like the story of some of the newer “good” teams in the league. However, college football bowl season is imminent.

Granted, the Tua injury has me obviously distraught. However, there are some “new” teams in the mix there, too. Besides, watching 60 plus terrible college football games in a month is far more appealing to me than anything the NFL has to offer right now. Speaking of the NFL, I’ve added a new category to the article. The Sewer – these are for the games that I’ve flushed down the toilet bowl.

The Sewer

Detroit at Washington – I know I sound like a broken record, but the Washington mascot is racist. There’s no way around it. This is our nation’s capital and the football team mascot is a racist caricature of a group of people that were systematically executed by our government. Merica! What to watch instead – Speaking of DC, get caught up on the impeachment inquiry. I hear there was some spicy testimony!

Jacksonville at Tennessee – Seriously, is there a reason that the AFC South exists? I know that there are 32 teams and that divides evenly into 8 divisions of 4 teams. However, this might be the only time that I argue against math. Let’s just abolish the South divisions. They only care about college football anyway. Maybe they can become part of a new relegation system in the NFL. What to watch instead – I saw that ESPN was showing old SEC games from a couple of years ago. Much better football.

Las Vegas at New York Jets – That’s right folks, the Las Vegas Raiders. Have they moved yet? Are they ever? At this point, I’m ready to just yeet them and Jacksonville over to London where they can play an entire schedule just between the two of them. What to watch instead – Speaking of London, Sheffield and Man U are playing this afternoon for 8th place in the Premier League.

Toilet Bowls

Miami at Cleveland – Remember at the beginning of the year when everyone thought that Cleveland was going to be the belles of the NFL this year? I mean, I wasn’t one of them, but can you imagine their embarrassment now. They might be so angry that they’d place the Browns low on a ranking system of games every week. What to watch instead – Baseball season ended about a month ago, so remind yourself how much you love that sport with some Major League.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta – Remember what I was saying earlier about the South divisions? This is yet another reminder of the horrors unleashed upon the world because of that NFL math that brought this into existence. What to watch instead – If you really want to watch the story of a creation run amok to destroy a countryside, read Frankenstein.

New York Giants at Chicago – Much of my understanding of the NFL for the last few years comes as a result of various fantasy football leagues. A few years ago, I rode Blake Bortles to a title and last year, I stole the Bears defense to win the regular season champion. Both times, I wasn’t invited back to the league. If only I could translate that success into money via daily fantasy. What to watch instead – Maybe I will check out one of the thousands of daily fantasy websites that have cropped up as a result of a broken capitalism.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – I’ve spent the better part of 15 minutes trying to think of something to say about this game and I’ve got nothing. Other than this is the epitome of sports today. Two terrible teams playing a meaningless game simply because degenerates are willing to put money on it. What to watch instead – There’s always the Thanksgiving episode of WKRP.

Games that might interest you (but probably shouldn’t)

Carolina at New Orleans – Is this for first place in the NFC South? Who the hell knows because nobody other than the talking heads on ESPN who are getting paid to care even knows the NFC South exists. What to watch instead – A Christmas Story or Grinch will restore faith in a society that allows this abomination to continue to exist.

Denver at Buffalo – I grew up in Erie. Being at the epicenter of Buffalo/Pittsburgh/Cleveland, somehow Buffalo was our team. So, I’m fond of the Bills. What to watch instead – If I’m being honest, I would probably watch this game. Go Bills.

Baltimore at LA Rams – The Rams were in the same bucket as the Browns as preseason favorites. They had a young hotshot coach. A young hotshot QB. Well, those young hotshots are about to get spanked yet again. What to watch instead – Quoth the raven, nevermore. Go outside and enjoy the snow.

Seattle at Philadelphia – I always say that I could probably do what the talking heads on ESPN do. Then again, maybe I couldn’t I have nothing to say about this game, either. Something, something playoff implications. There we go. What to watch instead – Go back and watch the MLS finals from this year. It was a fun game.

Green Bay at San Francisco – Something, something playoff implications. What to watch instead – In keeping with a theme, put on some Christmas music and decorate with the family.

Game of the Week

Dallas at New England – Because I’m becoming known for it, “Eff the Pats”. Seriously, though, this year is exactly why. The Patriots offense is terrible this year, but their defense is just good enough that they are 8-1. What to watch instead – I don’t know about you, but I have to get caught up on comics so that I can post those articles and then play some of the new Pokemon game in preparation for that content.

The Verdict

NFL Week 12 is an awful week of football. The only reason you should be watching any of these games is because you have money on them. Like my dad always said, though, “Don’t ever bet on a game where the ball bounces funny.” What about fantasy football, you say? Well, you’ve seen my history with the game, so what do you think? Thanks for joining me for my NFL week 12 preview and see you next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFl Week 10 Picks

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Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Week 10 picks. I’m not entirely sure how I did last week. I haven’t bothered to check. I suppose that as I’m sitting here writing this article, I could easily open up the article and count. Okay, you’ve guilted me into it. I went 7-6. Still positive money if I bet the games correctly.

Okay, now for this week. I think it was on Sal’s podcast this week that I heard that the games aren’t that great. Maybe he just meant betting wise. Comparatively speaking, I was actually able to find some games that were interesting to me. Maybe the NFL is finally wearing me down into a fan of the league. Let’s not think about that. Let’s just make our 2019 NFL Week 10 picks.

Toilet Bowls (New York, New York)

Miami at Indianapolis – I’m going to steal a joke here. On Hang Up and Listen this week, a former writer from Deadspin made the joke about Miami screwing up and winning or something. Hey, I stole and butchered a joke. But, at least I gave credit! Colt win.

New York Giants at New York Jets? – Or, is the other way around? Does it really matter to anyone outside of New York City? I sure as hell don’t care. New York wins. Your guess is as good as mine.

Buffalo Bills at Cleveland Browns – With the Pats finally losing a game, that means that the Bills are one game closer to first place in the AFC East. Sure, they won’t win, but it is still fun to dream. Freddy Kitchens is a disaster. I will say that until he is fired. Bills win.

Arizona at Tampa Bay – This game is borderline meh. The kid from Arizona (if only I had the ability to search for his name) has been fun to watch and Tampa Bay is the bipolar hero we all deserve. The game could be entertaining and Bucs win.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch (Ravens, the Ain’ts, and Pack, Oh My!)

Baltimore at Cincinnati – Maybe I should switch this one and the Arizona/TB game. I have no desire to watch this game other than I’m now a Ravens fan after they just effed the Patriots last week. They’ll just keep on rolling.

Atlanta at New Orleans – I think Drew Brees is back in this game. Or, maybe he was back last week. I can’t remember. Either way, Atlanta is awful this year and New Orleans will win.

Carolina at Green Bay – This game is borderline interesting. But, I already had 4 games in that category, so this one got bumped down. It’s also a tough game to pick, but I’ll take Green Bay at home.

Okay, I’m Interested (Mahomes is back (?), y’all!)

Los Angeles Rams at Pittsburgh – Pittsburgh surprised me last week. Maybe they will further surprise me this week. Why do I keep talking about Pittsburgh? I don’t even consider myself a fan of the team anymore. Old habits die hard. Hopefully LA does the same for the Steelers.

Detroit at Chicago – I’m still high on the Bears defense from last year’s fantasy performance. I’m not sure how they’re performing this year, but I’ll be fans of them for at least the forseeable future. I see you, Blake Bortles! Bears win.

Minnesota at Dallas – Dallas started off doing well, then faded, and now seems to be on the upswing. Minnesota has been consistent much of this year. Heck, this might even have game of the week potential. I think Minnesota crushes Dallas, though.

Kansas City at Tennessee – Mahomes is back! (?) I think so. It looked like he was available to pick in daily fantasy at least. Who knows? I hope he is. He’s the only reason I even pay attention to the NFL. If he’s playing, KC wins. If not, a coin flip.

Game of the Week (Who saw this one at the beginning of the year?)

Seattle at San Francisco – San Fran is scary good right now. After the Pats lost, they are the only undefeated team in the league. Seattle doesn’t care about this game right now because the Sounders are in MLS Cup (ha ha, little jokes), but it will still be a fun game. Let’s go 49ers.

The Verdict

Honestly, though, I’m really interested in this week of football. Thanksgiving is coming which means my annual coma of turkey, beer, and football is near. Maybe that’s why my interest is peaking. Hey, it could just be because the Patriots lost and whenever Pats fans are unhappy, I’m happy. Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Week 10 picks and see you in a week. Oh, next Thursday, Steelers beat the Browns.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 9 Picks

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Introduction

Welcome to my completely ignorant 2019 NFL Week 9 picks. This past week got away from me again, so it’s another week of just picks. Hopefully, I can get this Pioneer podcast off the ground and then I want to record with Liam about the new Pokemon game. Also, I need to do my DC review for this month. But, if you are here for my terrible picks only, none of those things has anything to do with football.

Last week, I won 7 or 8 games. Not entirely sure. As I probably mentioned, this year is just about getting the picks in before the week starts (oops, thanks Obama!) and I’ll try to figure out how to keep better track next year. So, without further interruption, let’s get to the 2019 NFL Week 9 Picks

Toilet Bowls (The usual suspects)

Houston at Jacksonville at London? – Again, I could look up that this game is actually in London and not just scheduled for early in the morning to prevent anyone from accidentally witnessing this horror. Halloween is over, NFL, come up with some less scary matchups. Houston wins.

Detroit at Oakland – Are the Raiders actually in Oakland? I know they’re moving to Las Vegas soon, but are they actually in Oakland? Or are they in LA? Not that it matters. Detroit is just good enough to beat them no matter where this game is.

New York Jets at Miami – Speaking of horrifying games. Ye gods, bad teams in the NFL are painfully bad. I take nothing away from the Pats (eff the Pats and yes, I take everything from this cheating team), but playing a third of your schedule against this division, any team would be historic. I guess the Jets win?

If they’re on, I’ll watch (As usual, not really, but there are some slightly compelling games)

Washington at Buffalo – Right after I texted Chris that Buffalo was still looking legit they got lit up by the Eagles. Whoops. I still think that they are a decent team this year and should be able to make the playoffs. They’ll bounce back against the racists

Tennessee at Carolina – This is one of those in between games. I don’t think I’d actually watch the game if it was on. However, I don’t think it quite reaches the status of toilet bowl, either. Carolina is decent this year even if Tennessee is snake bitten. Panthers win.

Indianapolis at Pittsburgh – I’d definitely not watch this game if it was on. The Steelers are terrible this year. Indianapolis is only interesting because of how Andrew Luck started the season. Seriously, everyone other than the Pats are irrelevant in the AFC this year. *sigh* Indy wins.

Cleveland at Denver – I was one of those who were on the Cleveland bandwagon at the beginning of the year. All I saw was the talent. I never realized that Freddy Kitchens could be a coach that caused these guys to regress so much. Denver wins and my ego takes another bruising.

Okay, Now I’m Interested (Genuinely in some of these games)

Chicago at Philadelphia – The Eagles surprised me by whipping the Bills last week. I’m still on Chicago’s defense even if they aren’t actually as good as they were last year. Let’s go with the Bears in an upset.

Dallas at New York Giants – I became a fan of the Cowboys when Dak and Cooper carried my shared fantasy football team into the playoffs before disappearing. I like what the kid in New York is doing, but not enough to pick them.

Green Bay at Los Angeles Chargers – Aaron Rodgers is playing up to form. Phillip Rivers is playing like he never sleeps because he has 22 kids. Packers roll.

New England at Baltimore – I heard a stat that Tom Brady is 9-3 in games where the Patriots play the Ravens. I must only remember the 3 losses because it feels like Baltimore is one of those nightmare teams against the Pats. Doesn’t matter this year since the Patriots defense is absurd and winning games by itself. *sigh*

Game of the Week (Even without Mahomes, the Chiefs are entertaining)

Minnesota at Kansas City – Patrick Mahomes suffered from the Madden curse a couple of weeks ago. The Vikings defense is smothering (or it is sometimes). Something’s gotta give here, but I really want the Chiefs to be there to challenge the Patriots in the playoffs, so let’s go KC!

The Verdict

Overall, the 2019 NFL Week 9 isn’t a terrible week of football. There are the requisite terrible games, but in all honesty, I might be keeping an eye on more than one of the other games and not just for daily fantasy purposes. Thanks, as always, for reading and we’ll see you next Sunday. Oh, before I forget, I’d have picked the 9ers, but not in a close one. This Thursday, let’s take the Chargers. But, I kind of want to take the Raiders since home teams are usually good on Thursday. No, I’ll stick with the Chargers.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 8 Picks

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Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 8. Hard to believe, but we are halfway through the season right now. There have been a few surprises this year, as there often are. However, the Patriots (eff the Pats) deal with the devil appears to still be binding. Patrick Mahomes got hurt and that gives me one less reason to care about the league.

But, I will continue to pick games each week. That’s how much I care about my nonexistent fans. I haven’t been as diligently keeping track of how well I’ve done overall, but I did get 7 or 8 games right last week. That was quite a nice bounce back from the previous week. Okay, enough chit chat, let’s pick some games for 2019 NFL Week 8.

Toilet Bowls (Terrible Week of Football)

New York Jets at Jacksonville – Seems like every week we have at least one of these games. Both of these teams could cease to exist tomorrow and nobody would even notice. Flip a coin.

Tampa Bay at Tennessee – Is Matt Tannehill still starting for Tennessee? Egad. Tampa Bay it is.

Miami at Pittsburgh – Well, the Steelers will at least win 3 games this year.

Cleveland at New England – This could have been a marquee game if Cleveland lived up to billing. They haven’t. Pats effing roll again It’s 2008 all over again. *sigh*

New York Giants at Detroit – Speaking of 2008, Eli isn’t even playing right now as our last hope against the Patriots. Daniel Jones took a step back last week. At least Detroit hovering around .500 makes Thanksgiving potentially intersting.

Denver at Indianapolis – This game is the perfect modern NFL game. Two middling teams playing in a game that ultimately doesn’t matter. Go Indy?

Seattle at Atlanta– I at least somewhat care about Seattle. Atlanta is awful. That’s all.

If they’re on, I’ll watch (Not really, but I will tune in to check my fantasy team)

Cincinnati at Los Angeles Rams – I’m not sure why this one isn’t in the toilet bowls? I have absolutely no interest in watching this anemic Rams team fool everyone into thinking they’re good by destroying the Bengals.

Arizona at New Orleans – I like the Teddy Bridgewater story. Arizona somehow has 3 wins this year. Maybe this one should be in the “Okay, I’m interested” section. New Orleans wins at home.

Los Angeles Chargers at Chicago – I’ve been all in on the Bears defense since they carried me into the fantasy playoffs last year. They’re a bit worse this year, but I still think they can keep father of the year (he has like 7 votes, so it isn’t fair), Phillip Rivers, in check.

Okay, I’m Interested (Not in much. Like I said, a terrible week of football)

Carolina at San Francisco – I’m not entirely sure why I’m interested in this game. I have nothing invested in either team. I guess, sometimes, you just need to watch for fun. Frisco keeps winning.

Philadelphia at Buffalo – Buffalo has been one of those surprises I mentioned earlier. The NFL is just better when the Bills are good. I hope they can win, but I think Philly clips ’em.

Game of the Week (Even without Mahomes, or especially, I’m rooting for the Chiefs)

Green Bay at Kansas City – Always stuck in the past, I just saw a commercial for this game as a rematch of Super Bowl I (? See, that’s how much it matters. I actually had to look it up because I went 3, then 2, and finally 1) and a possible preview of this year. I don’t know about that last part, but the NFL is nothing if not a hype machine. Even without Mahomes, this could be a good game. I hope the Chiefs pull it out, but think the Packers will be too much for that defense.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 7 Picks

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Introduction

Here we are again. It’s 2019 NFL Week 7. I said last week (or maybe the week before) that the season doesn’t really start until about week 5. Then, I proved my point by picking correctly on most of the games. Well, I followed that success up with a terrible 3-9 or 4-8 week last week. Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.

What’s more important is I started my week with a text from Chris that read only “Noooooo, Mahooomes!”. I replied, “Goddamn Belichick and his voodoo.” A student mentioned something about the Madden curse, too. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance. Hopefully he comes back soon and there aren’t any lingering effects from the injury. Let’s get to the 2019 NFL Week 7 picks.

Toilet Bowls (Not the worst of the worst for 2019 NFL Week 7, but there’s some baddies here)

Jacksonville at Cincinnati – Is this game in London? Can it be, please? I have nothing funny or clever to say about this game. This just makes me sad. Jacksonville wins.

LA Rams at Atlanta – At the beginning of the season, I’d have thought that this would be a game of the week contender. Now, both of these teams make me angry. Who knows? Maybe LA uses this game to find their mojo.

LA Chargers at Titans – Chris texted something about the number of Steelers fans at the game. Simmons and Sal made the same observation. I replied that the Chargers have no fans in LA, so the team basically gives tickets away. If you can make it there, you can go to the game. Plus, Matt Tannehill is now starting for the Titans. Go Chargers?

San Francisco at Washington – Frisco has been frisky this year with Jimmy G at the helm. Washington has…not. Maybe karma is finally catching up with the racists. Frisco wins going away.

Oakland at Green Bay – This is a weird game. I’m not sure why, but I honestly can’t fathom that this is actually a game between these two teams. I mean, it feels like a time warp from the late 60s or something. Oh well, Green Bay will probably win.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch (There are some potentially decent games here)

Houston at Indianapolis – This is not one of the aforementioned good games. I guess both of these teams are decent this year. Houston might actually finally even be good after many years of being the “it” team. They could even steal this game.

Arizona at New York Giants – Neither is this a “decent” game by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a bit intrigued by Daniel Jones and think that he can do well against this Arizona defense. I even recommended him as a fantasy pick this week. Go Giants, I guess.

Miami at Buffalo – Miami is ridiculously bad this year. Buffalo is actually pretty decent this year. I mean, they won’t challenge the Patriots, but they could make the playoffs fun, at least. I think they win big time.

New England at New York Jets – The Jets kicked the Cowboys butts last week. Chris and I were texting through the whole game because neither of us could believe it. Lightning won’t strike twice, especially against the Patriots, but maybe I can hope. For the sake of the article, I’m picking the Eff the Pats.

Okay I’m Interested (Not really, but I need three categories of games)

Minnesota at Detroit – I’m not entirely sure why I put this game here. I guess I needed to fill the three categories and for some reason, this was one of the least objectionable games. Vikes win.

Philadelphia at Dallas – Now, this actually feels like it could be a fun game to watch. Both of these teams are sort of middling around right now. The Pokes started off 3-0, though, so there is some potential there. They’re going to have to live up to it if they want to make the playoffs.

New Orleans at Chicago – The Aint’s ain’t been much in the way of ain’t this year. Teddy Bridgewater came right in and has filled in nicely for Drew Brees. The Chicago defense is very good the last two years. I think New Orleans edges them

Game of the Week (Let’s Go Seattle!)

Baltimore at Seattle – Watched the Sounders win their first playoff game last night. I don’t think that anyone else has a chance in this division other than the Ravens, but I still can live well in schadenfreude if they lose. Seattle used to never lose at home. Let’s hope that holds true here.

The Verdict

Well, overall, there isn’t much here to keep me interested. Thankfully, we have a 3rd birthday party for my niece at the zoo, so that will keep me occupied this week. Next week is Halloween weekend, so no problems there. My streak of not watching NFL football could extend through this year as long as I can keep coming up with excuses.

Note: I forgot to hit submit again. Not that it matters because I don’t think anyone even knows this page exists. But, for the purpose of keeping honest, all picks were made before games were played. Even the Chiefs over Denver, though I always forget to include Thursday. Hey, that’s a great idea! Let’s pick Thursday right now. Vikings roll the Racists.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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COMPLETELY IGNORANT 2019 NFL Week 6 Picks

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Introduction – Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 6

Good morning and Happy Sunday! Welcome to my 2019 NFL Week 6 picks column. Well, I just did the post mortem for last week and it’s better than I thought. I went 7-5-1 (8-5-1 if you count the Thursday game, but I won’t this week), which isn’t too bad and depending on how I allocated funds, could have made me money. Week 5 is definitely when teams start to take things seriously.

This week’s games aren’t terrible, but they’re definitely along the line of “apple pickers” as I heard Simmons and Sal call them a few times. It just so happens that we are scheduled to go apple picking today, so it was considerate of the NFL to have such terrible games this week. I mean, I wasn’t watching either way, but it’s nice when the universe conspires for you instead of against you. Let’s make some picks for 2019 NFL Week 6.

Toilet Bowls

Dallas at New York Jets – I struggled with where to put this game. I am mildly interested in the game, but I don’t honestly think I’d watch it even if it was on the television. So, in the toilet bowl it goes. After dropping last week, the Pokes need a win. Bring on the Jets!

Atlanta at Arizona – I got caught up in a bit of Atlanta hype at the beginning of the year. They cured that completely with last week’s debacle. I have a friend who lives in Atlanta and with the Braves losing, the Falcons stinking, and UGA losing last night, I’m a bit worried about him. Hope Atlanta United can redeem them some. Maybe the Braves win this one?

Pittsburgh at San Diego (Los Angeles Chargers) – The Steelers stink. The Chargers are boring. Maybe the natives in Pittsburgh, who inexplicably don’t like Mike Tomlin will get their wish. The Steelers have traditionally not been quick to fire, but maybe it will make those miserable f**ks happy. Of course it won’t. They’re miserable as a rule. What I’m trying to say here, is 1-15 isn’t out of the question.

Washington at Miami – I mean, wow. Would you look at that word smithery? I considered writing for a living. I think that sentence alone shows that I am overqualified for the position. Seriously, if Shannon Sharpe can get a TV gig as a talking head, then I can be a writer. What the hell was I talking about? Washington and Miami? Who gives a crap? Let’s say this game survives the eventual apocalypse as an exhibit of our civilization. The aliens who eventually find it will correctly conclude that we are better off for having exterminated ourselves. I hope Miami wins because of the stupidity of the Washington nickname.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch

Cincinnati at Baltimore – Seems like both Baltimore and Cleveland want to win the division. Simultaneously, it seems like neither Baltimore nor Cleveland want to win the division. One will win it by default because both Pittsburgh and Cincy stink this year.

Tennessee at Denver – In the interest of full disclosure, this could have gone in the toilet bowls. However, I was trying to space the games out better for reading purposes. I give no craps about this game. I guess Tennessee wins because I have a Facebook friend that likes them.

New Orleans at Jacksonville – I’m intrigued by New Orleans with Teddy Ballgame as their QB. A friend also made the point that Jacksonville’s new QB is like Keanu Reeves from The Replacements. That alone is enough to get me to tune in. Aint’s win.

San Francisco at Los Angeles Rams – If the Rams were actually what they were last year, this would be in the “must watch” category. Since they’re not and I’m completely off the Jimmy G-sus bandwagon for now, I’ll watch it if it’s on but won’t go out of my way. Maybe the Rams finally get back on track.

Okay, I’m Interested

Houston at Kansas City – Indianapolis shocked the world by beating KC in the most unlikely of ways. Usually, we see the Chefs get betrayed by their defense, but their offense let them down. This might be a good game, but it’s in KC, so I gotta pick the Chefs.

Seattle at Cleveland – Even though Baker has been a bit of a dud this year and OBJ looks washed up, I’m still on Cleveland. As long as they hang with the Ravens for the division, I’ll be on them. Let’s go Browns!

Philadelphia at Minnesota – This got consideration for game of the week. The Vikings defense is next level and Philly can be entertaining. However, I’m more interested in the TB/Carolina game this week, so Philly/Minnesota gets honorable mention. I think the Vikes win this one.

Game of the Week

Carolina at Tampa Bay (but really in London?) – I could look up if this is really in London or not. But, I don’t want to and you can’t make me. I will assume by the start time that it is. Wow, how did this game end up in London? The NFL must have made a mistake. Either way, I’m gonna go out on a limb and take Tampa Bay.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 6 isn’t terrible. It has possibly the worst game in a decade on the schedule. Otherwise, the games are passable to decent. I hope to build on last week’s momentum and keep being successful going forward. Enjoy your football everyone. See you again next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant NFL 2019 Week 3 Picks

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Introduction

Well, I missed all of last week, picks included. I didn’t want to make it 2 in a row, so here are only NFL 2019 Week 3 picks. No pithy comments.

Early Games

Pokes over Fins

Bungs over Bills

Eagles over Lions

Pats roll the Jets

Falcons over Colts

Vikes over Raiders

Chefs beat the Rats

Packers over Broncos

Late Games

Panthers over Cards

Bucs over Gynts

Seahawks over Aints

Texans over Chargers

Steelers beat the 9ers

Sunday Night

Rams roll the Browns

Monday Night

Bears beat the hapless Racists

NFL 2019 Week 3 Wrap Up

Oh, and for the record, I’d have never picked the Jags to beat the Titans this week in the Thursday night debacle. And, I suppose to avoid such a mistake going forward, I’ll just pick the Thursday night game right now. I think the Packers beat the Eagles. All things being even, you should pick the home team.

So, come to think about it, is there really any difference between the Jags and the Titans? Not really, but I have convinced myself that there is. I never, and I mean never, would have picked the Jags in that game. Come back next week for the hopeful return of pithy comments! Until then, enjoy NFL 2019 Week 3 games!

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 1 Picks

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Introduction (Thursday Night Football sucks)

The NFL season already started. But, that won’t stop us from making our 2019 NFL Week 1 picks. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out my AFC and NFC preview articles. They won’t necessarily give you any more information, but I think they’re entertaining at least.

If you were around at all last year, you know that Thursday Night Football, even though it happens every week, always took me by surprise. Well, it happened again this week. You may question this, but what I’m about to say has nothing to do with what I just said.

Thursday Night Football sucks. Seriously, who is this game for every week? Gamblers? How degenerate do you have to be that you can’t wait a full week to bet on football? Never mind. Don’t answer that. I still have some faith in humanity.

The games are just awful. We live in the age of Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady, and Baker Mayfield, and a 10-3 defensive snoozefest is the best that you can muster for your season opener? God, how is the NFL still so popular? Okay, enough bitterness, on with the 2019 NFL week 1 pick.

Early Games (For the record, I had Green Bay)

LA Rams at Carolina Panthers – The Rams are everyone’s “it” girl this year. I will say that there might be something to the getting close one year and coming back stronger the next. Additionally, I looked up the NFL starting quarterbacks earlier when Chris and I were texting where AB might end up. Cam Newton was not listed for Carolina. Rams roll.

Washington Racists at Philadelphia Eagles – Carson Wentz is back! Or, maybe he just hurt his back and is on IR again. Who can say which will be the headline coming out of Week 1? It doesn’t matter. Philly would beat Washington by 10 points with me at QB.

Buffalo Bills at NY Jets – What the hell is this? Who gives a crap? Maybe if Darnold can pull a Baker/Mahomes and not suck out loud this year, I’ll care. Right now, I’m not picking this game. Life’s too short.

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings – It was either last year or the year before that Minny had one hell of a defense. I don’t think it is going to matter in this game. I think Matty Ice is going to have a hell of a year this year. Falcons.

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins – Two things in life are guaranteed. Well, other than death. And Taxes. Two things in NFL life are guaranteed. Well, other than the Patriots (eff the Pats) winning every year and me forgetting that Matthew Stafford exists. Okay, I’m not sure where I was going with this train of thought. I just know the Dolphins are going to suck this year. Rats win.

Kansas City Chiefs at Jacksonville Jaguars – I’m pretty sure that I heard that Nick Foles is in Jacksonville now? That might be enough to persuade me that they’ll stay within a TD of KC. I can’t say much about KC’s defense right now, but I’m all in on Mahomes. Dude is a stud. Start the KC/NE AFC Championship hype now.

Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns – Preseason scuttlebutt has me a bit worried that my boy Baker was a fluke last year. I don’t think so, but I am the “completely ignorant” pundit, so there’s that. I’m about 60% positive that they’ll be able to take care of business for their home opener.

Late Games (This is about the time that I might spend another quarter on daily fantasy every week)

Indianapolis Colts at LA Chargers – I typed LA Chargers the first time and only barely had a twinge of the old San Diego Chargers as I did. Old dogs can learn new tricks. Just don’t ask me to name Six Flags as anything but Riverside. Chargers, wherever the hell they play, win.

Cincinnatti Bengals at Seattle Seahawks – The Bengals stink. I mean, the Seahawks might stink, too, for all I know. But, they’re playing at home, which used to be a huge advantage. Plus, I won’t be able to handle the Bengals in first place over my Steelers after they lose to the Pats. No, not even for a week. Go Seahawks.

San Francisco 49ers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Cleveland has become was Frisco was supposed to be. Exciting team with a young new quarterback to help turn around a moribund franchise. Alas, Jimmy G-sus got hurt and that all evaporated. Maybe the prophecy will still come true. For this game, sure, why not the 49ers.

NY Giants at Dallas Cowboys – The Giants have possibly the most exciting offensive player, not named Patrick Mahomes, in decades and they insist on surrounding him with the corpse of Eli Manning. Oh, they also traded OBJ in the offseason. I mean, the Cowboys have Dak Prescott, but at least they traded for a franchise receiver. Jeeze, this league is depressing sometimes.

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals – So, uh, what I just said about this league and depression. Even if Murray plays in this game, I don’t think that would be enough to get me interested. Prove me wrong random terrible NFL teams!

Sunday Night Game (Yay to the Steelers season being over after one game)

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots – The NFL tries hard to make this a rivalry. The teams try hard by talking crap back and forth. The games try hard by being close. Ultimately, it isn’t because the Patriots win every single important game. Oh, and AB is now on the Pats just like I said. If he lasts, this season is over.

Monday Night Football (2 games to start the season! How much do you love football? Meh…)

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints – This could have been a great game. It might still be. But, with the news that Drew Brees is involved in a charity that believes in “conversion therapy”. Oh man, my newfound enthusiasm for the NFL is waning. Aint’s win.

Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders: Ha. Ha ha. The NFL has a shiny new toy in the Raiders. Except that toy was made in a Chinese sweat shop and just exploded for the third time in a week, maiming their children. Sure, the toy is expensive, but it might be time to return it.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).