Introduction: Welcome to the Nightmare

I never played this game before last week, so you get a true Noob’s Guide to Splatterhouse with this article. However, this year, for Frightober, I wanted a theme of time. So, I broke my weeks into past, present, and future. While searching for some games from the past, I discovered this one. While I knew about the controversy (thanks Tipper Gore) surrounding games like Mortal Kombat and Bloodstorm, this one escaped my notice at the time.

A deceptively simple side scrolling beat up em similar to any number of games from my childhood, Splatterhouse, like those other games, requires some skill and strategy. That becomes apparently quite early in the game. The other thing that quickly becomes apparent is the gore level. Zombies vomit puddles from the background while you dismember others with your fist, a machete, and a two by four in the first level. If you can handle that level of cartoon violence, though, you need to play this game.

The Basics: Getting Started

Unfortunately, getting your hands on the game might prove difficult. Unlike other games from that era, Namco hasn’t released this one on modern consoles. RetroGames allows you to play the game using a web based emulator. I tried it out briefly with my Bluetooth controller that I bought from Amazon and it works surprisingly well. Responsive and almost no lag from the game.

I recorded the videos on this page using my Retroid Pocket 4 emulator. As far as I know those are the only two ways to play the game. I found a Namco collection on Steam that offers a toned down almost Chibi version of the game that actually acts as a prequel. So, I suppose if you want to check that out, you can.

In terms of story, the above cinematic tells the story of a boy and a girl who take refuge in a spooky old mansion to get out of the rain. She screams and fade to black. Then, the game starts. Depending on your layout, there’s only two buttons (Jump and Attack). The D-Pad (or joystick) moves your character left and right. Don’t let that fool you, though. The game gets tough quick.

Gameplay Breakdown: Fighting Your Way Through

As you see in the video, I wasn’t lying. You move (right) mostly, jump and attack. When you pick up a weapon, that becomes your attack and gives you a more gruesome way to kill your enemies. One thing that you need to remember is that some enemies can only be attacked by crouching, like the bats and the carnivorous worms at the end of the video.

Since I died fighting those worms, I can’t give you any more depth to the combat system. From what I’ve read, the mask allows you to collect power ups and there are other weapons in the game like a shotgun. Join me on Twitch once I feel more confident in my abilities and learn about how those change the game.

Tips for Survival: What Every Noob Should Know

The key to these games is that the levels are not random. Enemies attack at the same time and in the same place every time you play the game. Therefore, by remembering these attacks, you can ensure your survival. You only have 3 lives and 4 hearts for each of those lives. And, when you don’t know what you’re doing, those lives expire quickly.

One way to make sure that you get through the levels and conserve your health for the boss fights is to take your time. There’s no reason to rush through a level, accidentally step into a pile of zombie vomit, and waste one of your precious hearts. Above all, take your time, be patient, and understand that you will die quite a bit. That’s all part of the process and makes clearing those tough parts that much more satisfying.

Noob’s Note: just because the game released in the dark ages before save states doesn’t mean that we have to suffer. We live in the future and the emulators allow us to set up save states. Use those to your advantage, too.

What Makes Splatterhouse a Classic: Why Should You Play?

Okay, great, a side scrolling beat em up that’s going to take me some time and effort to get good. Yes, and, many of the horror games that we play today owe their existence to this humble beginning. The gore of those games run red because Splatterhouse crawled in the ooze of zombie vomit. From the beginning, the game throws you into this story with little explanation. That sets the tone.

Who are you? Who is the girl? What is this mask? Will you ever get the answer to any of those questions? Only by playing the game can you know for sure. Also, the sounds of the game with the midi horror theme and disgusting sound effects for the various ways you’ll kill and be killed add to the overall atmosphere.

If you’re a retro gaming nerd like me, you need to play this game. If you do and figure out how to beat those worms at the end of that first level, leave a comment or email me.

The Verdict: Noob’s Guide to Splatterhouse

Even if the actual gameplay is nothing special or original. So what if the introduction of the story leaves something to be desired. The horror theme of the game provides enough of an incentive to keep coming back for more. And, if you want a challenge in this era of constant save states and infinite lives, even better.

Get out there and play the game. If you found this Noob’s Guide to Splatterhouse helpful, let me know.