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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 8 Picks

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Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 8. Hard to believe, but we are halfway through the season right now. There have been a few surprises this year, as there often are. However, the Patriots (eff the Pats) deal with the devil appears to still be binding. Patrick Mahomes got hurt and that gives me one less reason to care about the league.

But, I will continue to pick games each week. That’s how much I care about my nonexistent fans. I haven’t been as diligently keeping track of how well I’ve done overall, but I did get 7 or 8 games right last week. That was quite a nice bounce back from the previous week. Okay, enough chit chat, let’s pick some games for 2019 NFL Week 8.

Toilet Bowls (Terrible Week of Football)

New York Jets at Jacksonville – Seems like every week we have at least one of these games. Both of these teams could cease to exist tomorrow and nobody would even notice. Flip a coin.

Tampa Bay at Tennessee – Is Matt Tannehill still starting for Tennessee? Egad. Tampa Bay it is.

Miami at Pittsburgh – Well, the Steelers will at least win 3 games this year.

Cleveland at New England – This could have been a marquee game if Cleveland lived up to billing. They haven’t. Pats effing roll again It’s 2008 all over again. *sigh*

New York Giants at Detroit – Speaking of 2008, Eli isn’t even playing right now as our last hope against the Patriots. Daniel Jones took a step back last week. At least Detroit hovering around .500 makes Thanksgiving potentially intersting.

Denver at Indianapolis – This game is the perfect modern NFL game. Two middling teams playing in a game that ultimately doesn’t matter. Go Indy?

Seattle at Atlanta– I at least somewhat care about Seattle. Atlanta is awful. That’s all.

If they’re on, I’ll watch (Not really, but I will tune in to check my fantasy team)

Cincinnati at Los Angeles Rams – I’m not sure why this one isn’t in the toilet bowls? I have absolutely no interest in watching this anemic Rams team fool everyone into thinking they’re good by destroying the Bengals.

Arizona at New Orleans – I like the Teddy Bridgewater story. Arizona somehow has 3 wins this year. Maybe this one should be in the “Okay, I’m interested” section. New Orleans wins at home.

Los Angeles Chargers at Chicago – I’ve been all in on the Bears defense since they carried me into the fantasy playoffs last year. They’re a bit worse this year, but I still think they can keep father of the year (he has like 7 votes, so it isn’t fair), Phillip Rivers, in check.

Okay, I’m Interested (Not in much. Like I said, a terrible week of football)

Carolina at San Francisco – I’m not entirely sure why I’m interested in this game. I have nothing invested in either team. I guess, sometimes, you just need to watch for fun. Frisco keeps winning.

Philadelphia at Buffalo – Buffalo has been one of those surprises I mentioned earlier. The NFL is just better when the Bills are good. I hope they can win, but I think Philly clips ’em.

Game of the Week (Even without Mahomes, or especially, I’m rooting for the Chiefs)

Green Bay at Kansas City – Always stuck in the past, I just saw a commercial for this game as a rematch of Super Bowl I (? See, that’s how much it matters. I actually had to look it up because I went 3, then 2, and finally 1) and a possible preview of this year. I don’t know about that last part, but the NFL is nothing if not a hype machine. Even without Mahomes, this could be a good game. I hope the Chiefs pull it out, but think the Packers will be too much for that defense.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 7 Picks

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Introduction

Here we are again. It’s 2019 NFL Week 7. I said last week (or maybe the week before) that the season doesn’t really start until about week 5. Then, I proved my point by picking correctly on most of the games. Well, I followed that success up with a terrible 3-9 or 4-8 week last week. Oh well, you can’t win ’em all.

What’s more important is I started my week with a text from Chris that read only “Noooooo, Mahooomes!”. I replied, “Goddamn Belichick and his voodoo.” A student mentioned something about the Madden curse, too. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance. Hopefully he comes back soon and there aren’t any lingering effects from the injury. Let’s get to the 2019 NFL Week 7 picks.

Toilet Bowls (Not the worst of the worst for 2019 NFL Week 7, but there’s some baddies here)

Jacksonville at Cincinnati – Is this game in London? Can it be, please? I have nothing funny or clever to say about this game. This just makes me sad. Jacksonville wins.

LA Rams at Atlanta – At the beginning of the season, I’d have thought that this would be a game of the week contender. Now, both of these teams make me angry. Who knows? Maybe LA uses this game to find their mojo.

LA Chargers at Titans – Chris texted something about the number of Steelers fans at the game. Simmons and Sal made the same observation. I replied that the Chargers have no fans in LA, so the team basically gives tickets away. If you can make it there, you can go to the game. Plus, Matt Tannehill is now starting for the Titans. Go Chargers?

San Francisco at Washington – Frisco has been frisky this year with Jimmy G at the helm. Washington has…not. Maybe karma is finally catching up with the racists. Frisco wins going away.

Oakland at Green Bay – This is a weird game. I’m not sure why, but I honestly can’t fathom that this is actually a game between these two teams. I mean, it feels like a time warp from the late 60s or something. Oh well, Green Bay will probably win.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch (There are some potentially decent games here)

Houston at Indianapolis – This is not one of the aforementioned good games. I guess both of these teams are decent this year. Houston might actually finally even be good after many years of being the “it” team. They could even steal this game.

Arizona at New York Giants – Neither is this a “decent” game by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a bit intrigued by Daniel Jones and think that he can do well against this Arizona defense. I even recommended him as a fantasy pick this week. Go Giants, I guess.

Miami at Buffalo – Miami is ridiculously bad this year. Buffalo is actually pretty decent this year. I mean, they won’t challenge the Patriots, but they could make the playoffs fun, at least. I think they win big time.

New England at New York Jets – The Jets kicked the Cowboys butts last week. Chris and I were texting through the whole game because neither of us could believe it. Lightning won’t strike twice, especially against the Patriots, but maybe I can hope. For the sake of the article, I’m picking the Eff the Pats.

Okay I’m Interested (Not really, but I need three categories of games)

Minnesota at Detroit – I’m not entirely sure why I put this game here. I guess I needed to fill the three categories and for some reason, this was one of the least objectionable games. Vikes win.

Philadelphia at Dallas – Now, this actually feels like it could be a fun game to watch. Both of these teams are sort of middling around right now. The Pokes started off 3-0, though, so there is some potential there. They’re going to have to live up to it if they want to make the playoffs.

New Orleans at Chicago – The Aint’s ain’t been much in the way of ain’t this year. Teddy Bridgewater came right in and has filled in nicely for Drew Brees. The Chicago defense is very good the last two years. I think New Orleans edges them

Game of the Week (Let’s Go Seattle!)

Baltimore at Seattle – Watched the Sounders win their first playoff game last night. I don’t think that anyone else has a chance in this division other than the Ravens, but I still can live well in schadenfreude if they lose. Seattle used to never lose at home. Let’s hope that holds true here.

The Verdict

Well, overall, there isn’t much here to keep me interested. Thankfully, we have a 3rd birthday party for my niece at the zoo, so that will keep me occupied this week. Next week is Halloween weekend, so no problems there. My streak of not watching NFL football could extend through this year as long as I can keep coming up with excuses.

Note: I forgot to hit submit again. Not that it matters because I don’t think anyone even knows this page exists. But, for the purpose of keeping honest, all picks were made before games were played. Even the Chiefs over Denver, though I always forget to include Thursday. Hey, that’s a great idea! Let’s pick Thursday right now. Vikings roll the Racists.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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COMPLETELY IGNORANT 2019 NFL Week 6 Picks

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Introduction – Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 6

Good morning and Happy Sunday! Welcome to my 2019 NFL Week 6 picks column. Well, I just did the post mortem for last week and it’s better than I thought. I went 7-5-1 (8-5-1 if you count the Thursday game, but I won’t this week), which isn’t too bad and depending on how I allocated funds, could have made me money. Week 5 is definitely when teams start to take things seriously.

This week’s games aren’t terrible, but they’re definitely along the line of “apple pickers” as I heard Simmons and Sal call them a few times. It just so happens that we are scheduled to go apple picking today, so it was considerate of the NFL to have such terrible games this week. I mean, I wasn’t watching either way, but it’s nice when the universe conspires for you instead of against you. Let’s make some picks for 2019 NFL Week 6.

Toilet Bowls

Dallas at New York Jets – I struggled with where to put this game. I am mildly interested in the game, but I don’t honestly think I’d watch it even if it was on the television. So, in the toilet bowl it goes. After dropping last week, the Pokes need a win. Bring on the Jets!

Atlanta at Arizona – I got caught up in a bit of Atlanta hype at the beginning of the year. They cured that completely with last week’s debacle. I have a friend who lives in Atlanta and with the Braves losing, the Falcons stinking, and UGA losing last night, I’m a bit worried about him. Hope Atlanta United can redeem them some. Maybe the Braves win this one?

Pittsburgh at San Diego (Los Angeles Chargers) – The Steelers stink. The Chargers are boring. Maybe the natives in Pittsburgh, who inexplicably don’t like Mike Tomlin will get their wish. The Steelers have traditionally not been quick to fire, but maybe it will make those miserable f**ks happy. Of course it won’t. They’re miserable as a rule. What I’m trying to say here, is 1-15 isn’t out of the question.

Washington at Miami – I mean, wow. Would you look at that word smithery? I considered writing for a living. I think that sentence alone shows that I am overqualified for the position. Seriously, if Shannon Sharpe can get a TV gig as a talking head, then I can be a writer. What the hell was I talking about? Washington and Miami? Who gives a crap? Let’s say this game survives the eventual apocalypse as an exhibit of our civilization. The aliens who eventually find it will correctly conclude that we are better off for having exterminated ourselves. I hope Miami wins because of the stupidity of the Washington nickname.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch

Cincinnati at Baltimore – Seems like both Baltimore and Cleveland want to win the division. Simultaneously, it seems like neither Baltimore nor Cleveland want to win the division. One will win it by default because both Pittsburgh and Cincy stink this year.

Tennessee at Denver – In the interest of full disclosure, this could have gone in the toilet bowls. However, I was trying to space the games out better for reading purposes. I give no craps about this game. I guess Tennessee wins because I have a Facebook friend that likes them.

New Orleans at Jacksonville – I’m intrigued by New Orleans with Teddy Ballgame as their QB. A friend also made the point that Jacksonville’s new QB is like Keanu Reeves from The Replacements. That alone is enough to get me to tune in. Aint’s win.

San Francisco at Los Angeles Rams – If the Rams were actually what they were last year, this would be in the “must watch” category. Since they’re not and I’m completely off the Jimmy G-sus bandwagon for now, I’ll watch it if it’s on but won’t go out of my way. Maybe the Rams finally get back on track.

Okay, I’m Interested

Houston at Kansas City – Indianapolis shocked the world by beating KC in the most unlikely of ways. Usually, we see the Chefs get betrayed by their defense, but their offense let them down. This might be a good game, but it’s in KC, so I gotta pick the Chefs.

Seattle at Cleveland – Even though Baker has been a bit of a dud this year and OBJ looks washed up, I’m still on Cleveland. As long as they hang with the Ravens for the division, I’ll be on them. Let’s go Browns!

Philadelphia at Minnesota – This got consideration for game of the week. The Vikings defense is next level and Philly can be entertaining. However, I’m more interested in the TB/Carolina game this week, so Philly/Minnesota gets honorable mention. I think the Vikes win this one.

Game of the Week

Carolina at Tampa Bay (but really in London?) – I could look up if this is really in London or not. But, I don’t want to and you can’t make me. I will assume by the start time that it is. Wow, how did this game end up in London? The NFL must have made a mistake. Either way, I’m gonna go out on a limb and take Tampa Bay.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 6 isn’t terrible. It has possibly the worst game in a decade on the schedule. Otherwise, the games are passable to decent. I hope to build on last week’s momentum and keep being successful going forward. Enjoy your football everyone. See you again next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 1 Picks

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Introduction (Thursday Night Football sucks)

The NFL season already started. But, that won’t stop us from making our 2019 NFL Week 1 picks. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out my AFC and NFC preview articles. They won’t necessarily give you any more information, but I think they’re entertaining at least.

If you were around at all last year, you know that Thursday Night Football, even though it happens every week, always took me by surprise. Well, it happened again this week. You may question this, but what I’m about to say has nothing to do with what I just said.

Thursday Night Football sucks. Seriously, who is this game for every week? Gamblers? How degenerate do you have to be that you can’t wait a full week to bet on football? Never mind. Don’t answer that. I still have some faith in humanity.

The games are just awful. We live in the age of Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady, and Baker Mayfield, and a 10-3 defensive snoozefest is the best that you can muster for your season opener? God, how is the NFL still so popular? Okay, enough bitterness, on with the 2019 NFL week 1 pick.

Early Games (For the record, I had Green Bay)

LA Rams at Carolina Panthers – The Rams are everyone’s “it” girl this year. I will say that there might be something to the getting close one year and coming back stronger the next. Additionally, I looked up the NFL starting quarterbacks earlier when Chris and I were texting where AB might end up. Cam Newton was not listed for Carolina. Rams roll.

Washington Racists at Philadelphia Eagles – Carson Wentz is back! Or, maybe he just hurt his back and is on IR again. Who can say which will be the headline coming out of Week 1? It doesn’t matter. Philly would beat Washington by 10 points with me at QB.

Buffalo Bills at NY Jets – What the hell is this? Who gives a crap? Maybe if Darnold can pull a Baker/Mahomes and not suck out loud this year, I’ll care. Right now, I’m not picking this game. Life’s too short.

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings – It was either last year or the year before that Minny had one hell of a defense. I don’t think it is going to matter in this game. I think Matty Ice is going to have a hell of a year this year. Falcons.

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins – Two things in life are guaranteed. Well, other than death. And Taxes. Two things in NFL life are guaranteed. Well, other than the Patriots (eff the Pats) winning every year and me forgetting that Matthew Stafford exists. Okay, I’m not sure where I was going with this train of thought. I just know the Dolphins are going to suck this year. Rats win.

Kansas City Chiefs at Jacksonville Jaguars – I’m pretty sure that I heard that Nick Foles is in Jacksonville now? That might be enough to persuade me that they’ll stay within a TD of KC. I can’t say much about KC’s defense right now, but I’m all in on Mahomes. Dude is a stud. Start the KC/NE AFC Championship hype now.

Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns – Preseason scuttlebutt has me a bit worried that my boy Baker was a fluke last year. I don’t think so, but I am the “completely ignorant” pundit, so there’s that. I’m about 60% positive that they’ll be able to take care of business for their home opener.

Late Games (This is about the time that I might spend another quarter on daily fantasy every week)

Indianapolis Colts at LA Chargers – I typed LA Chargers the first time and only barely had a twinge of the old San Diego Chargers as I did. Old dogs can learn new tricks. Just don’t ask me to name Six Flags as anything but Riverside. Chargers, wherever the hell they play, win.

Cincinnatti Bengals at Seattle Seahawks – The Bengals stink. I mean, the Seahawks might stink, too, for all I know. But, they’re playing at home, which used to be a huge advantage. Plus, I won’t be able to handle the Bengals in first place over my Steelers after they lose to the Pats. No, not even for a week. Go Seahawks.

San Francisco 49ers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Cleveland has become was Frisco was supposed to be. Exciting team with a young new quarterback to help turn around a moribund franchise. Alas, Jimmy G-sus got hurt and that all evaporated. Maybe the prophecy will still come true. For this game, sure, why not the 49ers.

NY Giants at Dallas Cowboys – The Giants have possibly the most exciting offensive player, not named Patrick Mahomes, in decades and they insist on surrounding him with the corpse of Eli Manning. Oh, they also traded OBJ in the offseason. I mean, the Cowboys have Dak Prescott, but at least they traded for a franchise receiver. Jeeze, this league is depressing sometimes.

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals – So, uh, what I just said about this league and depression. Even if Murray plays in this game, I don’t think that would be enough to get me interested. Prove me wrong random terrible NFL teams!

Sunday Night Game (Yay to the Steelers season being over after one game)

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots – The NFL tries hard to make this a rivalry. The teams try hard by talking crap back and forth. The games try hard by being close. Ultimately, it isn’t because the Patriots win every single important game. Oh, and AB is now on the Pats just like I said. If he lasts, this season is over.

Monday Night Football (2 games to start the season! How much do you love football? Meh…)

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints – This could have been a great game. It might still be. But, with the news that Drew Brees is involved in a charity that believes in “conversion therapy”. Oh man, my newfound enthusiasm for the NFL is waning. Aint’s win.

Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders: Ha. Ha ha. The NFL has a shiny new toy in the Raiders. Except that toy was made in a Chinese sweat shop and just exploded for the third time in a week, maiming their children. Sure, the toy is expensive, but it might be time to return it.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).