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2019 NFL Divisional Playoffs Post Mortem

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Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Divisional Playoffs Post Mortem. For the most part, things went as planned. There was, of course, the Tennessee Tuxedos destroying the Ravens. Other than that, though, there weren’t a ton of surprises. This is reflected in my 2-1-1 (I picked the Seahawks, but knew in my heart that Green Bay would win, so I’m taking a tie for that game.) record for the round. With my 1-3 in the coin flip weekend, that brings me to 3-4-1 for the playoffs so far.

That’s not a great record, of course. But, depending on how I bet the games, I could still be plus money at this point. Then again, I probably would have put a small fortune on Baltimore, so that point it moot. Speaking of Baltimore…

Tennessee at Baltimore

What more can I possibly say about this game? I was so convinced of the outcome that I didn’t bother even tuning in to see how it was going. It was only after Chris texted me several times during the beginning of the game. At least one of them was, “WTF”. So, I tuned in and Baltimore was down 14-0. Well, I thought, LJ is the MVP for this year and there’s plenty of time to come back. Well, about that. The come back never materialized and half of my Super Bowl pick was DOA. Well, both of them were actually dead, but that wasn’t official until Sunday.

Minnesota at San Francisco

This was the least surprising game of the weekend. I thought that San Francisco would roll the Vikings and they did. Sure, Minnesota stayed close for the first half, but eventually, San Fran’s talent just took over and won the game. There’s a reason that they were my close second to make it to the Super Bowl from the NFC.

Seattle at Green Bay

This was probably the other least surprising game from the weekend. I know that makes no sense in a couple of contexts. First, I picked Seattle to go to the Super Bowl. Second, how can you have 2 least surprising victories? Well, technically, you can’t. However, my original statement made even less sense, if that makes, er, sense. I mean, all you have to do is look at that last run on sentence to see where my brain is today. I mean, it was a bit surprising when I saw that Seattle was starting to come back, but not really. Russell Wilson is known for those come backs. So, ultimately, not terribly surprising.

Houston at Kansas City

I went for a walk through the Quabbin with Christine. I came home to no less than 5 texts from Chris again. Again, at least one of them read, “WTF.” So, I went to check the score of the game and it was 28-24. I thought that was the final. Nope, halftime. KC continued to pour it on after halftime and Mahomes seems to have finally reached his final form. We will see if Andy Reid can prevent himself from Andy Reiding all over the AFCC, but I’m excited for the prospect of Mahomes in the Super Bowl. Doesn’t even matter who they play. But, that is a discussion for the next article.

The Verdict

Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Divisional Round Post Mortem. I texted Chris the other day that 9 times out of 10, Baltimore wins that game. We just live in the worst timeline. Oh well, at least Mahomes is still alive and chucking it. As long as that’s true, I’ll pay attention. So, hopefully, the timeline is fixing itself as we speak and I’ll get to see him in the Super Bowl.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend

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Introduction

Note: Welcome to 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend. I thought that I had already pressed publish on this post. However, it would seem that I never even saved it. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but it disappeared from page. So, I will attempt to recreate it now. Also, you know that I’m not lying because I admit to picking both the Bills and Pats last night. Also, I know I promised New Year’s resolutions in my previous article. They are coming, faithful fans. Be patient.

A few years ago, I started this “completely ignorant” shtick by picking the playoffs. I don’t remember my record, but I remember that it was good enough to continue the shtick even into this year, a year that I’ve been interested in football more than any time in the last 5 or 6. I dubbed Wild Card weekend coin flip weekend because that was the only time I lost games due to the crazy nature.

AFC Coin Flip Games

Buffalo at Houston – Those of you who have been reading the page know that Buffalo has been my darling since about week 4 or 5. Others more in the know have finally admitted what I’ve known all year. Buffalo’s defense is very good. Their offense is a rag tag group of nobodies and that will eventually catch up to them. But, I think their defense can carry them in this game. It all ends next week against Baltimore, but it will be fun for another week.

Tennessee at New England – I was talking to a friend the other day and he reiterate what I’ve believed for most of my adult life. Sports are scripted. Sure, the outcomes of games might be more or less “random”, but leagues work heavily to push certain narratives. One of those narratives for the last decade or so has been that the Patriots always start to look mortal towards the end of the year and then suddenly, three weeks later they are in the Super Bowl. I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen, but it is possibly Brady’s last year in New England, so maybe he rides off like so many others have been able, too. Plus, the game is in Foxboro and the dynasty doesn’t end there.

NFC Coin Flip Games

Vikings at Saints – I really like Drew Brees. I know that he’s been “cancelled” or whatever by Twitter, but who gives a crap what the shut ins and bots at Twitter have to say? I’m sure there’s a good reason and I will do more research over the offseason to see what the ballyhoo is about. For now, though, I will live in my bubble of ignorance and root for the Saints. Plus, maybe they can finally put that stupid Minnesota Miracle nonsense behind them.

Seattle at Philadelphia – I find it personally offensive that the records of these teams are nearly identical to the Pats/Titans and yet, the team with the decidedly better record and resume are the ones on the road. Also, I picked Seattle to go to the Super Bowl a few weeks ago. I know that I’m allowed to change my pick, but I really don’t want to. I want to see Baltimore/Seattle, so I’m staying stubborn on this one.

The Verdict

The games this weekend aren’t bad. I’m worried that the Pats will survive another week to haunt me like the zombie movies of my youth. Other than that, I would be fine with any outcome. Oh, no Philadelphia, either. 9-7 division winners can get effed. Hope you all enjoy 2019 NFL Coin Flip Weekend and see you next week when the playoffs really start.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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2019 NFL Season Review Part 2

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Introduction

Welcome to our 2019 NFL Season review part 2. Yesterday, we did the first part of the review by playing Santa Claus and giving each of the AFC teams a late Christmas gift. Today it is time for the NFC. Then, at some point during the week, I will do New Year’s resolutions for each of the teams.

Apologies for all of the NFL content. It’s my way of trying to get back into the swing of things for the new year. I promised myself and the page that I would do something. Then, life got busy again. Yes, that is a bit of a convenient excuse. But, it’s also true. Okay, enough about me. Let’s give out some more gifts.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys weren’t quite the horror show that the Browns ended up being. However, they did underperform once again after a promising previous year. Jason Garrett, as much fun as it is to watch him on the sideline, needs to go. Since I gave Urban to the Browns, enjoy Lincoln Riley, Dallas.

New York Giants – I give them a peaceful and painless Eli Manning retirement. He wasn’t as historic as big brother. However, he did give you two Super Bowl victories over the Patriots. For that, he has my undying gratitude. God speed, Eli.

Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles fans are a miserable bunch. They went 9-7 this year and limped into the playoffs. But, they’re happy as long as Dallas isn’t and Dallas isn’t happy. So, the Eagles have everything they need. Please, just lose in the first round and go away.

Washington Racists – I will forever wish only one thing on this disgusting organization. Get a new name. I know that will only happen if Dan Snyder is gone, so draw your own conclusions.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals –

Los Angeles Rams – I grant the Rams the ability to go back in time a few months and not hamstring their entire organization with the Jared Goff contract. That guy stinks on ice. Oh, and wunderkind Sean McVay? Yeah, about that.

San Francisco 49ers – I appear to have already given the 49ers one of the best gifts I possibly could. I picked the Seahawks to win the division and, ultimately, the Super Bowl. Apparently, that went right up on the billboard in 49ers locker room. You’re welcome.

Seattle Seahawks – I give the Seahawks a healthy running back that doesn’t have one foot in the retirement home. Beast Mode coming back is wonderful and heartwarming. However, it isn’t going to do much to erase the demons of Super Bowl 49.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – Last year, Da Bears got eliminated from the playoffs due to the “double doink”. This year, the wheels just fell off. I’m giving them a lucky rabbits foot, a four leaf clover, and a horseshoe. Hopefully that counteracts whatever bad mojo has been rising.

Detroit Lions – Earlier in the year, I was again surprised to learn that John Matthew Stafford was still a starting quarterback in this league. This has been an annual epiphany for at least the last three years. He is a gift unto himself.

Green Bay Packers – I give the Packers a peaceful week off and plenty of snow next week for the Saints to come into town. If things go the way I expect, that will be next week’s game.

Minnesota Vikings – I give the Vikings a pat on the heads and an “Atta boy” for making it into the playoffs. I just have a feeling the Saints are gonna steamroll them. No chance at a “Minnesota Miracle” this time.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Another team that grossly underperformed this year. I give you and your fans some time off to think about what you did to the league and other fans this year. It wasn’t a kind thing that you did and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Carolina Panthers – Chris told me the other day that Josh McDaniel was being considered as the head coach of Carolina. I replied with an “LOL”. Please, for the love of all that is holy, I give you any coach but him.

New Orleans Saints – I grant New Orleans the greatness of my presence this summer. I know that sounds conceited and it just might be. I’m just saying that I visited South Carolina last year and now Clemson is in the championship. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I give Jameis Winston LASIK surgery. I don’t know if he actually needs it, but he did become the first 30/30 man in the NFL. Sure, it’s entertaining as hell, but it had to be frustrating for TB fans. Both of you.

The Verdict

All 32 teams have been given their gift. Man, I don’t know how Santa does this every year. I’m spent after only 2 days of writing these articles. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed my 2019 NFL season review part 2. Join us the rest of the week as we do NFL resolutions.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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2019 NFL Season Review Part 1

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Introduction

Here we are at both the end of the year and the 2019 NFL Season Review part 1. As Chris and I have both said numerous times, it has been an interesting season and the playoffs should be fun this year. I’m, personally, pulling for Buffalo. But, I realize this is just their “sneaky” year and we have to wait until next year to see if they are for real.

Also, my pick a few weeks ago was Baltimore and Seattle, but injuries have hit them hard. I know it is boring, but I’m amending that to Baltimore and San Francisco for the “Big Game”. (Super Bowl, there I said it. Please see my note at the end of the page, NFL.) As in the past, I will do actual previews for the playoffs. That’s where this little gimmick started, so it’s only fair that we pay homage to that. But, that’s later in the week.

Now, we wrap up the 2019 NFL season with a few more cheeky articles. The first one was supposed to happen before Christmas. I was going to get a gift for each of the 32 NFL teams. So, even though it’s about a week late, let’s play NFL Santa. On with the 2019 NFL season review part 1.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Two weeks ago, I would have said that the Bills didn’t really need anything. They were a game out of the division lead and playing the Patriots. Then, they lost a close one against the Pats and took this week off against the Jets. Now, I will give them a playoff win to get into the second round.

Miami Dolphins – Now, this is the team that needs nothing. They got their annual final week victory against the Patriots to knock them out of a first round bye. I read that Ryan Fitzpatrick has now beaten the Patriots as a member of every other AFC East team. That’s a great stat.

New England Patriots – I normally don’t like the Patriots, as you all know. However, as I’m still in the Christmas spirit, I will give them one of the best presents I can think of. With Brady decidedly on his way out, I will follow up on a rumor I heard a few weeks ago. New England Patriots, I give you Tua Tagovailoa. Treat him right.

New York Jets – I will get them a DVD review of the year of the Super Bowl III win. That might be the last time this franchise had a serviceable quarterback.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – Sure, this was a forgettable season, but they live in Denver, where both weed and mushrooms are legal. They won’t have any trouble forgetting. Merry Christmas, Broncos.

Kansas City Chiefs – All I want for the Chiefs is bubble wrap armor to keep Patrick Mahomes healthy. Sure, Lamar Jackson has taken over and become the darling of the league, but Mahomes was my OG QB man crush from last year. Keep that man on the field.

Las Vegas Raiders – All I want for the Raiders for Christmas is that they find a forever home. Los Angeles, Oakland, Las Vegas, London. It simply doesn’t matter. Just pick a place and stay there, Raiders. You’re embarrassing yourselves.

San Diego Chargers – I want to give the Chargers something similar and I think you can figure out what it was by my “typo”. Regular readers of this column know that isn’t a typo. The Chargers belong in San Diego and there’s no reason (other than blatant money grab) that they are in LA).

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – This has been a year of reconciliation for me and the NFL. First, I’m willing to give the Patriots my college QB man crush in the draft. Now, I’m 100% rooting for the Ravens to win the Super Bowl this year. There, I said it.

Cincinnati Bengals – Okay, now this is a team that needs Santa. Or, maybe Jesus. Hell, probably both. I’m just granting them and their fans merciful end to this nightmare of a season. I told you I was feeling generous.

Cleveland Browns – I grant the Browns a new coach! What? Freddie Kitchens has been fired? Well, I am the most efficient Santa ever. Maybe they’ll be able to snipe the Cowboys for Urban Meyer.

Pittsburgh Steelers – At the end of last year and the beginning of this one, I would have given the Steelers a new coach. Only a couple of weeks ago, I texted Chris with the hot take, “Tomlin is the coach of the year.” He calmed me by reminding me that Buffalo was guaranteed to make the playoffs. So, this year, I give the Steelers my undying affection once again. I’ve always liked an underdog.

AFC South

Houston Texans – I give the Texans a slight chance of beating my Buffalo Bills in the playoffs. I know it is in Texas and that the Bills offense hasn’t quite lived up to the defense, but I think the Bills are good for one more win this year. Aren’t I feeling generous? Well, yes, but usually I say the AFC South just shouldn’t exist, so this is a plus.

Indianapolis Colts – The best thing for this team would be for Tom Brady to pull a heel turn and come to Indianapolis at the end of his career to bring them a Super Bowl. He’s obsessed with being the best and erasing part of Peyton Manning’s legacy would be fun.

Jacksonville Jaguars – I give them their continued existence. Just move them to London with the Raiders so I don’t ever have to watch them again.

Tennessee Titans – I give them my full support against the Pats. Yes, I’m still in the generous mood, but that only extends to the regular and offseason. I can’t take another year of watching the Pats stumble their way into the damn Super Bowl. Just end this next weekend, Tennessee.

The Verdict

The 2019 NFL Season review part 1 is done. All of the AFC teams will find their late Christmas gifts under the tree just in time to celebrate the new year. Thanks for reading and join us tomorrow to play Santa again with the NFC teams.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 15 Preview

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Introduction (Holiday Edition Part 1)

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 15. Yes, I wrote holiday in the title. Please, please, boycott my page. Boycotts of “holiday” themed things seem to make them go viral. Given how work is going I would love a little bit of monetization from this page. So, bring on the boycott.

Last week’s page was a bit hit or miss. Because I didn’t plan properly, it was mostly miss. So, live and learn. In spite of my slightly passive aggressive earlier paragraph, I do love the Christmas season. I always have. This year I was able to get Christine on board, but we lost Liam a bit because of a decision to get a fake tree. Oh well, can’t please them all. Real tree folks, boycott us, too!

This week, I will try to come up with a Christmas movie that reminds me of the of the game in question. Again, this isn’t terrible well thought out. So, it might fail spectacularly. We are nothing if not resilient around here. Let’s preview 2019 NFL Week 15

Almost Classics

Miami at New York Giants – “Earnest Saves Christmas”. The two teams will somehow bungle their way to a heartwarming finish.

Jacksonville at Las Vegas (In London?) – “Klaus” Two teams that have no business playing football in this country represented by a “foreign” movie that suspiciously sounds American.

New England at Cincinnati – “Rudolph” A game that will be watched by a ton of people for some reason, but I have no interest whatsoever. Rudolph fans, boycott us!

Philadelphia at Washington – “Frosty the Snowman” Slightly annoying and a bit too long, do we really have to do this game twice a year?

Cleveland at Arizona – “Noelle” Similar to Noelle, I just discovered a love for Cleveland’s and Arizona’s quarterbacks. Also, similar to Noelle, I expect this game to be surprisingly fun and to be left wanting more.

New Classics

Tampa Bay at Detroit – “The Santa Clause” I feel safe in ignoring this game for large portions in the same what that I can ignore the movie without missing major plot points.

Minnesota at Los Angeles Chargers “Home Alone” See the previous paragraph. Also, if the game goes like I think it might, the Vikings are going to beat up the Chargers like Kevin did the burglers.

Indianapolis at New Orleans – “The Grinch (the new animated one)” Both of these teams make be grumpy for very different, but ultimately the same, reasons. They have just been really whiny this year. Kinda like the Grinch.

Seattle at Carolina – “Polar Express” I’ve had a tough time matching this one to a proper movie. Polar Express works because like the movie, I tend to forget that the Seattle football team exists.

Classics

Chicago at Green Bay – “Peanuts Christmas” For some reason, like Frosty, we have to do this game twice a year. Likewise, for some reason, we watch this movie every single year.

Atlanta at San Francisco – “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” This year, Atlanta is the douche neighbors and San Francisco is the Griswolds constantly sticking it to them.

Denver at Kansas City – “The Grinch (old animated one)” Patrick Mahomes is Cindy Lou Who constantly keeping me entertained and interested in the NFL in spite of my growing disinterest.

Buffalo at Pittsburgh – “Christmas Story” The Steelers have made me say “Oh fudge” more than once. Meanwhile, Buffalo has been a nice surprise this year, a la the BB gun at the end.

The Best

Houston at Tennessee – “Scrooged” This one almost hurts. I couldn’t justify any other game as this one is a fight for first place. But, Scrooged holds a special place in my heart and I’ve often said that we could eliminate the two southern divisions with no consequence. Oh well, can’t win em all.

The Verdict

While I’d not call this a complete success, it definitely went better than last week. Like I say, live and learn. There are still things to improve, but I have a couple of weeks this year and all of next year to try to figure it out. As always, thanks for joining us for 2019 NFL Week 15 and we’ll see you next week for Holiday Edition Part 2.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 14 Preview

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Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 14. The only football I watched last week was the Bills handing it to the Cowboys and I kept a close eye on the Patriots getting manhandled by a subpar Houston Texans team. That gives me some hope for this year. The Patriots have trouble with mobile quarterbacks and right now that’s pretty much all that the AFC has to offer. Either Houston, Baltimore, or KC if Mahomes is 100% will absolutely destroy the Pats in the playoffs this year. Happy birthday to me?

A few weeks ago, I decided to do away with the picks for this particular column. Instead, I’ve decided to do something slightly different with my previews. First it was what you should watch instead of each game, then in keeping with the sentiment, what each game made me thankful for. This week, inspired by a single such stat, I’m going to come up with a weird stat/fact for each game. So, without anymore fanfare, on with 2019 NFL Week 14.

Toilet Bowls

Miami at New York Jets – Fun Fact: Miami could have been the first team with a winless and undefeated regular season. They screwed that up by winning a couple of weeks ago and now it looks like they might actually be trying.

Cincinnati at Cleveland – Fun Fact: The rivers in Ohio and Pennsylvania used to be so polluted that they would catch on fire. I have no idea what about this game made me think about that particular fact.

Washington at Green Bay – Fun Fact: Follow the link for the Wikipedia page for the top 50 wealthiest senators. Consider that at least 50% (and the list stops at 8.6 million or something) of senators are millionaires. Now, consider that they are supposed to be your representatives. Someone worth over 100 million dollars surely understands and legislates on behalf of the struggle to pay my water bill on time.

New York Giants at Philadelphia – Fun Fact: I just ran the ESPN Playoff simulator because I noticed that all of the teams in this division could finish 6-10. In that case, I was hoping that the Giants, at 2-10 could run the table and win the division. Unfortunately, Dallas would win. But a 6-10 division winner would go a long way to exposing this farce of a league, so let’s hope for the worst.

Tennessee at Vegas – Fun Fact: I know that the Raiders don’t play in Vegas yet. But, they might as well. Would anyone in Oakland, Los Angeles, or London miss them if they moved today?

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay – Fun Fact: Jameis Winston is quite possibly the best bad quarterback or the worst good quarterback in the league. Either way, the NFL is so desperate for QBs that he will most certainly make 100s of millions of dollars this offseason. Think about that the next time you cash a paycheck.

If they’re on, you’ll watch

Los Angeles Chargers at Jacksonville – Fun Fact? Speaking of teams living where they don’t belong and aren’t wanted, the Chargers are the kid who was granted to the father. The father is having a midlife crisis. He moves in with a younger girlfriend. She doesn’t respect him. She just wants his money. But, he stays because he also thinks it impresses his friends. It doesn’t.

Denver at Houston – Fun Fact: Denver is the Mile High City. Denver is in Colorado. Colorado was one of the first states to legalize weed. That’s the set up. You can fill in the punchline.

Detroit at Minnesota – Fun Fact: Barry Sanders was a featured guest on the Detroit Thanksgiving Day game. Frank Gore recently passed him on the all time list. Never mind how surprised I am that Frank Gore is still playing. It took him 222 games to get there. Sanders did it in 153. Simply amazing.

Carolina at Atlanta – Fun Fact: I don’t even know who Carolina’s quarterback is at this point. Oh, okay. I just looked it up and now I understand the “Allen #2” reference on Simmons and Sal. I guess you do learn something new every day.

Now You’re Interested

Pittsburgh at Arizona – Fun Fact: Once upon a time the Steelers and the Cardinals had to merge teams. I don’t remember the exact circumstances. However, as a sometimes Steelers fan, I wouldn’t mind doing so this year just to have Kyler Murray.

Seattle at Los Angeles Rams – Fun Fact: Once upon a time, I was talking to a friend and he said something about Seattle’s football team. I looked at him, in all earnestness, and said, “Seattle has a football team?” It isn’t that bad, but I’m much more invested in the Sounders than the Seahawks.

Kansas City at New England – Fun Fact: Chris is a New England fan. You’d think that with my “Eff the Pats” routine, there might be some friction. However, he’s a genuine fan. Not a “you hate us if you ain’t us” guy. So, we get along. Also, he texted me, without prompting, “KC will destroy NE.” I didn’t agree 100%, but it would be nice to throw Pats nation into a panic with 2 losses in a row.

San Francisco at New Orleans: Fun Fact: Chris and I both have either San Fran or Seattle in the Super Bowl this year against Baltimore. I think we are both leaning harder to Seattle, but either team would be fun. Just as long as it isn’t the Pats. Eff the Pats.

Game of the Week

Baltimore at Buffalo – Fun Fact: This is the only fact that I actually came into this article with an idea of what to write. Hopefully it is was worth the wait. Buffalo, in second place, currently has a better record than half of the division leaders. That second place makes them a 5th seed in the AFC. Tell me more about how the NFL is America’s favorite because it’s a meritocracy.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 14 isn’t too bad, actually. I’m all in on both the Bills/Ravens and SF/NO. It will be fun to see if KC really can effectively end the Pats season. Pittsburgh and Arizona will hopefully extend the farce that is the Steelers for this season. The rest of the games are the usual poop fest that the NFL has become.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 13 Preview

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Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 13. Last week I tried something different with my preview. Instead of picking the games, I picked something that I’d rather watch instead of each of the games. I’m not sure how well it reads, but I like the concept, so I will expand on it and try to figure out how to make it work better for the rest of this season and next.

I do know that it would get boring to continually read about my plans to watch things other than football games. Therefore, and because it is Thanksgiving week in the NFL, I will discuss the things that I’m thankful for because of the games. Again, who knows how it will read, but I’m nothing if not persistent.

Also, there is another new category for this week. It is a special one that will only happen during this week in the season. I don’t use the word necessarily as a judgement (even though the games are pretty terrible this year). I just like that we can use “turkey” in so many contexts. Yay for English!

Finally, I have replaced the heading names with more gastronomic terms. Sorry in advance. It’s just all these games are crap. Now, on to 2019 NFL Week 13!

The Turkeys

Chicago at Detroit– You may think there’s not much to be thankful about this game. You’d be right. But, given my history with the Bears defense and fantasy football, I guess I’m thankful that I don’t have to pay attention to any of these games because I’m not in a league.

Buffalo at Dallas – This game makes me thankful for Thanksgiving dinner. By the time this game rolls around, I’m in a gluttony induced state of immobility on the couch. Lying in front of a fire and thinking about leftovers.

Atlanta at New Orleans – Simmons and Sal said that this game happened last year, too, on Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for our crack research team here at 2 Generations Gaming that has been able to confirm that, in fact, this game happened at the exact same time last year. Whoever’s running this simulation is getting lazy.

The Sewer

Washington at Carolina – What is there to be thankful for here? The racist nickname? Oh, we went to South Carolina last summer and that was an amazing trip that our kids still talk about. Oh, and we stopped in DC and had great ramen for dinner.

New York Jets at Cincinnati – I had a difficult time ranking these games from most to least objectionable. They are all terrible. I’m thankful that I don’t have to travel to work on this game. Those poor people. All they wanted was a job in show business and this is their reward.

Tennessee at Indianapolis – I swear to God this game is on the schedule every week. I’m thankful for the South divisions. I know that sounds weird after I called for their abolition last week. But, at least the fact that this game happens once a week reaffirms that we are living in a simulation.

Los Angeles Rams at Arizona – I’m thankful for Kyler Murray. Thanks to him, Lamar Jackson, and Patrick Mahomes, the NFL might start to become slightly less conservative and more fun to watch.

Toilet Bowls

Green Bay at New York Giants – I’m thankful for snow in November. I know the game is in New York and I don’t think that there is snow in the forecast, but Green Bay always makes me think of snow. Wasn’t this the Ice Bowl? At least Green Bay was there.

Philadelphia at Miami – I’m thankful that Miami has a nice climate (for now until it sinks into the ocean because of climate change), so that it takes their minds off of their terrible football team. Their city sinking into the ocean would do that too, I imagine. So, it’s all aces in southern Florida

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville – Once upon a time, Christine and I were planning to move to Tampa Bay. More accurately, it was St Petersburg. Either way, I’m thankful we didn’t. I don’t know if I’d make a proper Florida man.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh – I’m thankful for my family and friends back in Pennsylvania. I’ve often said that I never felt at home until I got to Massachusetts. I know that might sound rude towards them, but I mean no disrespect to them. I wish they could all move up here.

The Bowels

Minnesota at Seattle – I’m thankful that the Sounders won the MLS Cup this year. I became a huge fan of MLS this year and for my favorite team to win the cup was pretty amazing. Add to it, Liverpool is 8 points clear in the lead. It’s a great year for real football.

New England at Houston – I’m thankful that I have more or less been able to avoid Patriots fans this year. Sure, they are 10-1, but the Golden Boy has been less than stellar. Plus, there are rumors that he’s going to leave at the end of the year. Pats fans aren’t sure what to do with that so they’ve been mostly quiet. Hope the Ravens destroy them in the playoffs and really drive that stake in.

Las Vegas at Kansas City – I’m thankful for Cousin Sal. He is the only reason that I even listen to Simmons podcast every week and most weeks I enjoy Sal’s podcast even more. Also, Patrick Mahomes. I don’t want him to get jealous of my Lamar Jackson man crush.

The Stomach (Game of the Week)

San Francisco at Baltimore – I’m thankful for Chris. He’s trying his hardest to keep me invested in the NFL in spite of my increased disinterest in the league. This week, he used the ol’ Lamar Jackson trick. He knows exactly what to say. <3

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 13 is a stinker. It isn’t as bad as some weeks and I will actually end up watching some football through my eyelids after eating too much turkey. However, I doubt that I’ll see any of the weekend games. Have a great Thanksgiving weekend, all, and hope to see you next week for some Pokemon talk.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 12 Preview

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Note: I think that last week might be the last time I pick games. I’m trying something different for NFL Week 12.

Introduction

We made it to the NFL week 12. 3/4 of the way through the season. The next month or so will probably actually be completely ignorant again. I have been paying some attention to this season because I like the story of some of the newer “good” teams in the league. However, college football bowl season is imminent.

Granted, the Tua injury has me obviously distraught. However, there are some “new” teams in the mix there, too. Besides, watching 60 plus terrible college football games in a month is far more appealing to me than anything the NFL has to offer right now. Speaking of the NFL, I’ve added a new category to the article. The Sewer – these are for the games that I’ve flushed down the toilet bowl.

The Sewer

Detroit at Washington – I know I sound like a broken record, but the Washington mascot is racist. There’s no way around it. This is our nation’s capital and the football team mascot is a racist caricature of a group of people that were systematically executed by our government. Merica! What to watch instead – Speaking of DC, get caught up on the impeachment inquiry. I hear there was some spicy testimony!

Jacksonville at Tennessee – Seriously, is there a reason that the AFC South exists? I know that there are 32 teams and that divides evenly into 8 divisions of 4 teams. However, this might be the only time that I argue against math. Let’s just abolish the South divisions. They only care about college football anyway. Maybe they can become part of a new relegation system in the NFL. What to watch instead – I saw that ESPN was showing old SEC games from a couple of years ago. Much better football.

Las Vegas at New York Jets – That’s right folks, the Las Vegas Raiders. Have they moved yet? Are they ever? At this point, I’m ready to just yeet them and Jacksonville over to London where they can play an entire schedule just between the two of them. What to watch instead – Speaking of London, Sheffield and Man U are playing this afternoon for 8th place in the Premier League.

Toilet Bowls

Miami at Cleveland – Remember at the beginning of the year when everyone thought that Cleveland was going to be the belles of the NFL this year? I mean, I wasn’t one of them, but can you imagine their embarrassment now. They might be so angry that they’d place the Browns low on a ranking system of games every week. What to watch instead – Baseball season ended about a month ago, so remind yourself how much you love that sport with some Major League.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta – Remember what I was saying earlier about the South divisions? This is yet another reminder of the horrors unleashed upon the world because of that NFL math that brought this into existence. What to watch instead – If you really want to watch the story of a creation run amok to destroy a countryside, read Frankenstein.

New York Giants at Chicago – Much of my understanding of the NFL for the last few years comes as a result of various fantasy football leagues. A few years ago, I rode Blake Bortles to a title and last year, I stole the Bears defense to win the regular season champion. Both times, I wasn’t invited back to the league. If only I could translate that success into money via daily fantasy. What to watch instead – Maybe I will check out one of the thousands of daily fantasy websites that have cropped up as a result of a broken capitalism.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – I’ve spent the better part of 15 minutes trying to think of something to say about this game and I’ve got nothing. Other than this is the epitome of sports today. Two terrible teams playing a meaningless game simply because degenerates are willing to put money on it. What to watch instead – There’s always the Thanksgiving episode of WKRP.

Games that might interest you (but probably shouldn’t)

Carolina at New Orleans – Is this for first place in the NFC South? Who the hell knows because nobody other than the talking heads on ESPN who are getting paid to care even knows the NFC South exists. What to watch instead – A Christmas Story or Grinch will restore faith in a society that allows this abomination to continue to exist.

Denver at Buffalo – I grew up in Erie. Being at the epicenter of Buffalo/Pittsburgh/Cleveland, somehow Buffalo was our team. So, I’m fond of the Bills. What to watch instead – If I’m being honest, I would probably watch this game. Go Bills.

Baltimore at LA Rams – The Rams were in the same bucket as the Browns as preseason favorites. They had a young hotshot coach. A young hotshot QB. Well, those young hotshots are about to get spanked yet again. What to watch instead – Quoth the raven, nevermore. Go outside and enjoy the snow.

Seattle at Philadelphia – I always say that I could probably do what the talking heads on ESPN do. Then again, maybe I couldn’t I have nothing to say about this game, either. Something, something playoff implications. There we go. What to watch instead – Go back and watch the MLS finals from this year. It was a fun game.

Green Bay at San Francisco – Something, something playoff implications. What to watch instead – In keeping with a theme, put on some Christmas music and decorate with the family.

Game of the Week

Dallas at New England – Because I’m becoming known for it, “Eff the Pats”. Seriously, though, this year is exactly why. The Patriots offense is terrible this year, but their defense is just good enough that they are 8-1. What to watch instead – I don’t know about you, but I have to get caught up on comics so that I can post those articles and then play some of the new Pokemon game in preparation for that content.

The Verdict

NFL Week 12 is an awful week of football. The only reason you should be watching any of these games is because you have money on them. Like my dad always said, though, “Don’t ever bet on a game where the ball bounces funny.” What about fantasy football, you say? Well, you’ve seen my history with the game, so what do you think? Thanks for joining me for my NFL week 12 preview and see you next week.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFl Week 10 Picks

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Introduction

Welcome to my 2019 NFL Week 10 picks. I’m not entirely sure how I did last week. I haven’t bothered to check. I suppose that as I’m sitting here writing this article, I could easily open up the article and count. Okay, you’ve guilted me into it. I went 7-6. Still positive money if I bet the games correctly.

Okay, now for this week. I think it was on Sal’s podcast this week that I heard that the games aren’t that great. Maybe he just meant betting wise. Comparatively speaking, I was actually able to find some games that were interesting to me. Maybe the NFL is finally wearing me down into a fan of the league. Let’s not think about that. Let’s just make our 2019 NFL Week 10 picks.

Toilet Bowls (New York, New York)

Miami at Indianapolis – I’m going to steal a joke here. On Hang Up and Listen this week, a former writer from Deadspin made the joke about Miami screwing up and winning or something. Hey, I stole and butchered a joke. But, at least I gave credit! Colt win.

New York Giants at New York Jets? – Or, is the other way around? Does it really matter to anyone outside of New York City? I sure as hell don’t care. New York wins. Your guess is as good as mine.

Buffalo Bills at Cleveland Browns – With the Pats finally losing a game, that means that the Bills are one game closer to first place in the AFC East. Sure, they won’t win, but it is still fun to dream. Freddy Kitchens is a disaster. I will say that until he is fired. Bills win.

Arizona at Tampa Bay – This game is borderline meh. The kid from Arizona (if only I had the ability to search for his name) has been fun to watch and Tampa Bay is the bipolar hero we all deserve. The game could be entertaining and Bucs win.

If They’re On, I’ll Watch (Ravens, the Ain’ts, and Pack, Oh My!)

Baltimore at Cincinnati – Maybe I should switch this one and the Arizona/TB game. I have no desire to watch this game other than I’m now a Ravens fan after they just effed the Patriots last week. They’ll just keep on rolling.

Atlanta at New Orleans – I think Drew Brees is back in this game. Or, maybe he was back last week. I can’t remember. Either way, Atlanta is awful this year and New Orleans will win.

Carolina at Green Bay – This game is borderline interesting. But, I already had 4 games in that category, so this one got bumped down. It’s also a tough game to pick, but I’ll take Green Bay at home.

Okay, I’m Interested (Mahomes is back (?), y’all!)

Los Angeles Rams at Pittsburgh – Pittsburgh surprised me last week. Maybe they will further surprise me this week. Why do I keep talking about Pittsburgh? I don’t even consider myself a fan of the team anymore. Old habits die hard. Hopefully LA does the same for the Steelers.

Detroit at Chicago – I’m still high on the Bears defense from last year’s fantasy performance. I’m not sure how they’re performing this year, but I’ll be fans of them for at least the forseeable future. I see you, Blake Bortles! Bears win.

Minnesota at Dallas – Dallas started off doing well, then faded, and now seems to be on the upswing. Minnesota has been consistent much of this year. Heck, this might even have game of the week potential. I think Minnesota crushes Dallas, though.

Kansas City at Tennessee – Mahomes is back! (?) I think so. It looked like he was available to pick in daily fantasy at least. Who knows? I hope he is. He’s the only reason I even pay attention to the NFL. If he’s playing, KC wins. If not, a coin flip.

Game of the Week (Who saw this one at the beginning of the year?)

Seattle at San Francisco – San Fran is scary good right now. After the Pats lost, they are the only undefeated team in the league. Seattle doesn’t care about this game right now because the Sounders are in MLS Cup (ha ha, little jokes), but it will still be a fun game. Let’s go 49ers.

The Verdict

Honestly, though, I’m really interested in this week of football. Thanksgiving is coming which means my annual coma of turkey, beer, and football is near. Maybe that’s why my interest is peaking. Hey, it could just be because the Patriots lost and whenever Pats fans are unhappy, I’m happy. Thanks for reading my 2019 NFL Week 10 picks and see you in a week. Oh, next Thursday, Steelers beat the Browns.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).

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Completely Ignorant 2019 NFL Week 9 Picks

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Introduction

Welcome to my completely ignorant 2019 NFL Week 9 picks. This past week got away from me again, so it’s another week of just picks. Hopefully, I can get this Pioneer podcast off the ground and then I want to record with Liam about the new Pokemon game. Also, I need to do my DC review for this month. But, if you are here for my terrible picks only, none of those things has anything to do with football.

Last week, I won 7 or 8 games. Not entirely sure. As I probably mentioned, this year is just about getting the picks in before the week starts (oops, thanks Obama!) and I’ll try to figure out how to keep better track next year. So, without further interruption, let’s get to the 2019 NFL Week 9 Picks

Toilet Bowls (The usual suspects)

Houston at Jacksonville at London? – Again, I could look up that this game is actually in London and not just scheduled for early in the morning to prevent anyone from accidentally witnessing this horror. Halloween is over, NFL, come up with some less scary matchups. Houston wins.

Detroit at Oakland – Are the Raiders actually in Oakland? I know they’re moving to Las Vegas soon, but are they actually in Oakland? Or are they in LA? Not that it matters. Detroit is just good enough to beat them no matter where this game is.

New York Jets at Miami – Speaking of horrifying games. Ye gods, bad teams in the NFL are painfully bad. I take nothing away from the Pats (eff the Pats and yes, I take everything from this cheating team), but playing a third of your schedule against this division, any team would be historic. I guess the Jets win?

If they’re on, I’ll watch (As usual, not really, but there are some slightly compelling games)

Washington at Buffalo – Right after I texted Chris that Buffalo was still looking legit they got lit up by the Eagles. Whoops. I still think that they are a decent team this year and should be able to make the playoffs. They’ll bounce back against the racists

Tennessee at Carolina – This is one of those in between games. I don’t think I’d actually watch the game if it was on. However, I don’t think it quite reaches the status of toilet bowl, either. Carolina is decent this year even if Tennessee is snake bitten. Panthers win.

Indianapolis at Pittsburgh – I’d definitely not watch this game if it was on. The Steelers are terrible this year. Indianapolis is only interesting because of how Andrew Luck started the season. Seriously, everyone other than the Pats are irrelevant in the AFC this year. *sigh* Indy wins.

Cleveland at Denver – I was one of those who were on the Cleveland bandwagon at the beginning of the year. All I saw was the talent. I never realized that Freddy Kitchens could be a coach that caused these guys to regress so much. Denver wins and my ego takes another bruising.

Okay, Now I’m Interested (Genuinely in some of these games)

Chicago at Philadelphia – The Eagles surprised me by whipping the Bills last week. I’m still on Chicago’s defense even if they aren’t actually as good as they were last year. Let’s go with the Bears in an upset.

Dallas at New York Giants – I became a fan of the Cowboys when Dak and Cooper carried my shared fantasy football team into the playoffs before disappearing. I like what the kid in New York is doing, but not enough to pick them.

Green Bay at Los Angeles Chargers – Aaron Rodgers is playing up to form. Phillip Rivers is playing like he never sleeps because he has 22 kids. Packers roll.

New England at Baltimore – I heard a stat that Tom Brady is 9-3 in games where the Patriots play the Ravens. I must only remember the 3 losses because it feels like Baltimore is one of those nightmare teams against the Pats. Doesn’t matter this year since the Patriots defense is absurd and winning games by itself. *sigh*

Game of the Week (Even without Mahomes, the Chiefs are entertaining)

Minnesota at Kansas City – Patrick Mahomes suffered from the Madden curse a couple of weeks ago. The Vikings defense is smothering (or it is sometimes). Something’s gotta give here, but I really want the Chiefs to be there to challenge the Patriots in the playoffs, so let’s go KC!

The Verdict

Overall, the 2019 NFL Week 9 isn’t a terrible week of football. There are the requisite terrible games, but in all honesty, I might be keeping an eye on more than one of the other games and not just for daily fantasy purposes. Thanks, as always, for reading and we’ll see you next Sunday. Oh, before I forget, I’d have picked the 9ers, but not in a close one. This Thursday, let’s take the Chargers. But, I kind of want to take the Raiders since home teams are usually good on Thursday. No, I’ll stick with the Chargers.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).