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Lights! Camera! Rawr!

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(Editor’s Note: Please keep arms and legs inside of the vehicle at all times. If you don’t, they very well might get eaten.)

We are releasing the first episode of “Little Kid Podcast” this week. Yes, finally, for sure. I promise! As I often do, I started talking about dinosaurs last week and I’m going to finish up with this post about the Jurassic World movie. We have spent many hours in an attempt to beat the game 100% and the movie made quite an impression on him. Even though he’s growing up, he’s still our paleontologist in training and some part of him always will be. Dammit. I always say that I’m not going to miss it when they’re young, but I’m starting to tear up a little thinking that he won’t always be little Mr. Dinosaur.

I found myself in charge of three boys over the summer. This is not out of the ordinary. However, one of them was not mine and I was alone for the night. I can’t remember where my wife was, but Aiden had a friend over for his birthday and we swapped Liam and him for the night. I promise that all of this is relevant to the point of this post.

First, we tried watching Jurassic World a few months before and made it to the part in the movie where (spoiler alert!) the Indominous Rex went nuts and killed a bunch of people. Liam, who is very sensitive to that sort of violence, freaked out a bit. Even though some of you might consider that an overreaction, I can sympathize. I couldn’t watch We Were Soldiers, don’t watch Game of Thrones, and stopped watching The Walking Dead (far in advance of the most recent episode that has people in a bunch) because of gratuitous violence. As I said to a friend, I can get good story lines without it. So, since Liam was at his friend’s house and Quinn is so obsessed with dinosaurs, I thought it might be cool to try to watch it again. Also, I was getting close to bed time and all three were getting a bit rambunctious, so it had the added bonus of hopefully calming them down. I’m happy to report success on both fronts. We made ith through the whole movie and all boys enjoyed it enough to go to bed without incident.

Okay, story time over, so I will give my review of the movie. I am a huge fan of the original Jurassic Park. I was careful not to say series there. I loved the first two books and the first movie. I watched the second movie on the strength of the first, but quit and never watched the third. By the time, news of the fourth one surfaced, I was checked out completely.

More recently, I read that the original plot of the 4th movie involved human/dinosaur hybrids. I don’t remember if we knew that information when the movie was first announced. Either way, I’m glad that they never made that movie and that they waited so long to give the idea some time to few new and fresh again. Go back to what people loved, play on their nostalgia, and hook a new generation through their kids. It worked for Rocky and Star Wars.

Because, let’s be real. Each of these sequels is actually the original movie remade in every case. Sure, they changed some details to keep those of us who already saw it interested, but the overall plots are identical. Mind you, I’m not saying that the movies are bad. I saw all three of them and thought they were all entertaining. However, I’d be lying to say that I missed the obvious similarities. So, why spend time watching a movie you’ve already seen? While I am the type that doesn’t mind repeated viewings, I understand that some of you aren’t as forgiving. So, I will try to give you some incentive to see an old remake of a way older movie.

Is it too obvious to say that it is a good movie? It’s probably too obvious to say that it is a good movie. Of course you think it is a good movie, you reply. Why else would you be recommending it? Okay, I get your point. That being said, it is a good movie. I will stop being lazy and get more specific in my praise.

Pros

  • New Dinosaur – Though the name is pretty stupid and the prototype human/dinosaur hybrid with a bazooka in his chest is beyond ridiculous, the rest of the Indominous Rex story line was well executed. They used the time honored monster movie trope of not showing the monster right away. They did it right, with just enough time for the big reveal that made it satisfying. Plus, the kids love the dang thing so much they wanted to pool their money to buy the Lego set with the Indominous in it.
  • Raptors – I don’t remember when the velociraptors became the unoffical face of the franchise. I do know that the T-Rex was in the logo for the first one and Spinosaurus in the 3rd one (I know that from the Lego video game), then Indominous for the new one. But, the raptors have absolutely stolen the show and they are the reason that people keep coming back. I think it is because they show the most intelligence and people think of them as scaly carnivorous puppies.
  • Owen – I, like most people, have loved this guy since he was the goofball on Parks and Recreation. Then, he went and took one of my favorite comic book characters from my youth and gave him the utmost respect in Guardians of the Galaxy. Now, he is the lovable raptor trainer in Jurassic World. This guy is just having so much fun playing pretend and dress up and one of the few actors I know who could upstage the raptors as the main attraction in his scenes.

Cons

  • A bit violent – I’ve already covered Liam’s meltdown during the Indominous attack scene. Other than that, there is dinosaur on dinosaur violence, other dinosaur on human violence, and just a much more bloody movie than I remember the first two being. I’m not sure if that is just a reflection of the society or a conscious effort to ramp up the gore for some reason. Just be warned if you are concerned about that sort of thing.
  • Other characters – Other than Owen, the characters in the movie are either boring, one dimensional, or both. They certainly don’t have the same personalities as the first film. Look, I know that they’re selling CGI dinosaurs, but would it have killed them to flesh out the characters just a bit more. Who knows? Maybe they expected this one to flop and they could kill the franchise once and for all. Not likely, but stranger things have happened. I guess we’ll find out if the next one comes out and we are still “treated” to cardboard cutouts instead of living, breathing human beings.

Even with the drawbacks, which are minimal when compared to other movies and TV shows out there, the movie is a good one. I’ve watched it twice. It inspired us to play the Lego video game and buy a couple of the Lego sets to play together. If you haven’t seen it yet, give it a watch before exposing to younger or more sensitive kids. If you determine that it is acceptable, enjoy the ride!

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My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview (NFC)

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(Editor’s Note: George McQuarters is still on his summer vacation. It must be nice to be retired. I know, I’m as close to retired as a person can be while still being employed, but we always covet what we can’t have. The grass is always greener than 2 bushes or something like that. As a result, we are going to take the seaon off from picking games and just give you my picks for the divisions an Super Bowl.)

[spoiler title="TDLR"]Giants maybe?, Cardinals, Packers, Panthers. And because I'm a huge fan of schadenfreude, Giants over Pats to complete the trilogy sweep.[/spoiler]

So, can we still call this article a preview when it is being published after week 2 of the season is already finished? This is my website and I’ll do what I want. Besides, the rest of it is still relevant. I’m no less ignorant than I was at the beginning of the season other than the fact that I know that the Steelers are 2-0.

A preview? Two weeks into the season?
A preview? Two weeks into the season?

NFC East

  1. New York Giants – Remember when the NFC East was called the best division in all of football with the best rivalry games? Yeah, this is not that version of the National Football League. I’m picking the Giants by default because Chip Kelly will have his team gassed by game 3, Dallas lost Romo for a considerable part of the season, and Washington is cursed until they bite the bullet (pun intended) and change their name.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – So, 9-7 could win this division and the runner up could be 6-10 or worse. I have no faith anymore that Chip Kelly can be a competent National Football League head coach. I was confident that the guy in Oregon was just keeping his clipboard warm until everything blew over, but Chip seems determined to make this thing work. All the best, Chip. Should have just taken your paddlin’ and you could have been the toast of college football uniforms.
  3. Dallas Cowboys – So, more fantasy football because nothing people love more than hearing about another person’s fantasy football woes. I had Gronkenstein the year that he blew out his knee. Last year, I had Tony Romo to start the season and he broke his back (or shoulder, something, whatever, what’s important here is that he was one of the reasons that I lost in week 2), so I started to think that the curse was alive and well. Turns out to be one of the best things to happen (get well soon, Tony) since I picked up Blake Bortles and rode him all the way to the title.
  4. Washington (redacted) – I think I wrote this two years ago, but I don’t understand why this stupid team just doesn’t change their name already. The fans will buy the new merchandise after grumbling for a little bit about honoring Native American heritage or some nonsense. That’s a windfall. Plus, after a few years, you can run throw back days and resell the old jerseys to make even more money. I’m not a marketing guy by any stretch, but this feels like a win/win.

NFC West

  1. Arizona Cardinals – I’ve kept an eye on Arizona since Larry Fitzgerald started playing for them. I also like that their field can be wheeled outside of the stadium to get sun. Other than that, I’m not sure that I have a reason to pick Arizona over Seattle for the division. Hey, it’s good to go out on a limb every now and then, right?
  2. Seattle Seahawks – Before the Seahawks started to get good again, I actually forgot that Seattle had a football team. I was sitting and talking with a friend about football and he said, “Seattle”. I replied, not joking, with “Seattle?” He said, “The Seahawks.” “Hmm, they’re still a team.” The Seahawks are good again, but some of the shine is starting to wear off of the turd and they’ll be back to relegation status soon enough.
  3. San Francisco – When your team is making headlines because your back up quarterback has started what could grow into a revolution (and just to be clear, I support his stance and actions) instead of on the field actions, it’s not a good omen for your team finishing high in the standings. I wish Mr. Kaepernick and his allies all the best, but the 49ers are going to stink on ice.
  4. Los Angeles Rams – So, the Rams got sick of their cute and young but vapid wife (LA), decided to try an older and more sophisticated woman (St. Louis) only to realize that wouldn’t work because she’s in love with another (baseball), and came crawling back to the bimbo who is now older and not as pretty (California is in the middle of record drought and wildfires). Hey, I suppose the prospects are better in LA, because you know she’ll get work done. Okay, I’ve taken this metaphor as far as I can.

NFC North

  1. Green Bay Packers – The Packers are the Pats of the NFC right now. As long as they have Rodgers (!) on the team, you can’t count them out for anything. Add to that the fact that this is one of those divisions where you can write off the other three teams sight unseen and this is an easy pick.
  2. Minnesota Vikings– I knew that Teddy Bridgewater was injured. I’m a little worried because I think the next quarterback on their depth chart might be Sean Salisbury and he’s a bit old to be playing quarterback. Then again, I also know that Adrian Petersen is still on this team (note: AD is now injured, too) and capable of carrying them to a .500 record.
  3. Chicago Bears – Da Bears…stink. I have an online friend who is from Chicago and his Facebook posts keep me in the loop when it comes to Da Bears and Da Bulls. His thoughts on the season are not positive, so I guess you could say that I’ve got a bit of insider information here. Worldwide leader, look out!
  4. Detroit Lions – Megatron retired in a very Barry Sanders like move. What does it say about a franchise that it’s brightest stars would rather walk away from the game that they love than be subjected to the misery of having to play on that team. I guess that one notable thing is that Detroit has joined Seattle as a team that I forgot existed. And, this one plays at least once on national TV every year.

NFC South

  1. Carolina Panthers – I admit it. I like Cam Newton. In spite of his NCAA violations (I will always side with the individual over the allegedly corrupt organization), dabbing and celebrating (I will always side with the victim over racists), and hissy fit at the end of the Super Bowl last year (we always want our athletes to be super competitive, except when we don’t), I think he’s a decent individual and a good quarterback. Keep on proving them wrong, Cam.
  2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers have a strong running back and their quarterback is starting to get hype for something other than stealing crab legs from a local grocery store. They don’t have that dunderhead from Rutgers as coach anymore, so that’s a step in the right direction.
  3. New Orleans Saints – The Saints are back to the Aints again. Sean Payton just doesn’t seem to have the same fire for coaching since winning a Super Bowl and getting suspended for a season. Drew Brees is getting older and thinking about all of the commercials he’ll be able to do just like Peyton Manning.
  4. Atlanta Falcons – The Braves stink. The Falcons stink. The Hawks…are still a team in the NBA, right? Atlanta is starting to feel like the new Cleveland now that the Cavs ended the streak up there.
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My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview (AFC)

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(Editor’s Note: Two years ago I picked the playoffs at the beginning of the playoff season. I only got two games wrong, but one of them was the Super Bowl, so I was a last second interception away from getting that one right. I didn’t do as well last year and might have even been outshined by a coin that goes by the name of George McQuarters. Nevertheless, as with previous years, I have done almost no research for this article other than listening to the Sports Guy and Cousin Sal a couple of times on my commute and I saw one half of one preseason game.)

[spoiler title="TLDR:"]Pats, Chefs, Bungles, Colts I guess?, And because I'm a huge fan of schadenfreude, Giants over Pats to complete the trilogy sweep.[/spoiler]

AFC East

  1. New England Patriots – Yes, they have no Brady for the first four games. Sure, we just learned that Gronkenstein will be out for at least the opener. None of it matters. Never mind making a deal with the devil, Belichick is Satan himself and this team will continue to win 10+ games and own this terrible division for the rest of eternity. Eff the Pats.
  2. Miami Dolphins – Only because I can’t pick the other three teams in this division to be relegated to a lesser league similar to what the Premier League does, I have to put them in some order. The Dolphins played in the one half of one preseason game I watched and I still think Ryan Tannehill could be a decent quarterback with help. Unfortunately, the Dolphins are not equipped to make good football decisions, so he’ll be out of the league in a couple of years and they’ll be selling the ever popular rebuilding year that turns into a decade of misery. Even so, I’m pretty sure they can fake their way to 8-8 and the ever popular “we have next year”.
  3. New York Jets – Speaking of decade of misery. Sure, they had some successes with Fat Rex and the “Sanchise” (what a cruel joke that turned out to be), but overall it’s been just more irrelevance for yet another New York team. As a resident of Massachusetts, that should give me great joy. I’m a transplant, though, so the joy is vicarious through my father in law who cares much more about this sport than I do.
  4. BuffaloBills – I watched the “Four Falls of Buffalo” last year with a friend. It was sad and inspiring all at once. I grew up in Erie and, due to the NFL home team rules, we got all of the Buffalo games. I saw the whole thing unfold game by game and year by year. I also saw evidence of a fantasy football draft where a player took Tyrod Taylor on purpose. It clearly affected me in a profound way because I’m still talking about it and I can’t get the image out of my head.

AFC West

  1. Kansas City Chefs– Andy Reid is still the coach and Alex Smith is still the quarterback. But, I seem to remember that this team had a good defense and a good running back, even though I couldn’t name a single one of those players if my life depended on it. In the NFL of my and my parent’s youth, a good running game and defense won you games. I’m not sure about this hotsy totsy free wheeling version we have today, but when all else fails, misplaced nostalgia is always a good way to look stupid.
  2. San Diego Chargers – This is another division where the 3 teams besides the divisino winner are more or less interchangeable. Sure, they all wear different colors to distinguish themselves, but they are like those kids in the college aerial pictures where they all stand together to make something and moms everywhere swear they can see their kid. My point is, who the hell knows or cares who will be #2 in the AFC West?
  3. Denver Broncos – Because of our impeccable timing, the Broncos had already played and won their first game when this was written. It is being posted after all but the 2 Monday games have been played, but at least it is not the NFC article, which will be posted after all the first games have been played. Spoiler alerts abound for those in an alternate universe who are reading this one time. However, I have the sneaking suspicion that their 7th round quarterback won’t work out as well as another certain 7th round quarterback who shall remain nameless. The scourge has been lifted from the land and there is no reason to be the one to unleash it. Point is, Manning (even a terrible Manning) to what’s his face is quite the drop off and might take some time for success.
  4. Los Angeles (or are they back in Oakland?) Raiders – The Raiders are another successful team from my youth. As we saw with the bills, though, misguided nostalgia only goes so far and the ghost of Al Davis still haunts this team. Until they prove otherwise, I will just assume that they have drafted Darius Heyward Bey in the first round every year.

AFC North

  1. Cincinnati Bungles – I don’t have any compelling reason to pick the Bungles over the Steelers other than in an attempt to reverse jinx them. The Steelers were driving to beat the Broncos in the playoffs last year with a contest winner starting at running back and the Bungles did their best to lose their only playoff game…to the Steelers.
  2. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Steelers ahve gone from not even having a shotgun package in their offense when I was younger to running a spread pass happy offense with 2 of the top 5 receivers in the league. Oh, they also have a good running back. Even so, some of those guys get in trouble or injured yearly and that always keeps the team from achieving Pats like success. Oh well, it is still good to be a Steelers fan.
  3. Baltimore Rats – It’s certainly better to be a Steelers fan than a Rats fan right now. Even though they have “elite” quarterback Joe Flacco, they were terrible last year. I don’t see any indication that they have done anything to fix that this year.
  4. Cleveland Browns – It is always better to be a Steelers fan than a Browns fan. No more Johnny Football. Instead, they have a rejuvenated (again we’re going with this storyline?) RGIII. The only difference that I see is maybe their quarterback won’t post as many drunken Instagram photos. Will that translate into a better team? Hopefully not, because as a Steelers fan, it is too much fun picking on the Browns and their fans.

AFC South

  1. Indy Colts -How bad is the NFL when you can disregard nearly 90% of the league as a potential threat before the season even starts? What’s worse is that entire divisions can be ignored. Ever since Peyton left the Colts, that’s been the fate of the AFC South. Who cares who wins this division? They’ll just lose in the wild card round.
  2. Houston Texans – I spent 2 or 3 seasons on the Texans bandwagon. I kept thinking that they’d be able to ride their defense and a mediocre quarterback to a title similar to how Denver did last year. They never did and now I see why. They are simply one of the nameless, faceless AFC South teams, doomed to obscurity.
  3. Tennessee Titans – Seriously, does anyone actually know the difference between these teams? They remind me of the old WWF (wrestling, not pandas) jobbers that they’d trot out to face more established wrestlers to ensure that the storylines weren’t ruined before the big pay per view. The Titans are Iron Mike Sharp, Rest in Peace.
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars – Since nobody cares about these teams, I will just take this space to tell one of my long winded and maybe not so relevant stories for which I’m famous. While listening to Simmons and Sal, they both agreed that Blaine Gabbard (That’s not even the Jags QB name. He’s Blake Bortles.) is not very good at football. “Hey,” I shouted at my phone, “that’s my fantasy football championship quarterback that you’re demeaning there!” And, therein lies the allure of the league for 80% of fans.

Join me tomorrow (and pretend that we live in one of the alternate universes where the first week hasn’t happened yet) for the NFC portion of the preview.

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Good Morning, Dagobah!

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(Editor’s Note: We have no idea if we are officially out of spoiler range for the new Star Wars movie. To be perfectly honest, we don’t care all that much about spoilers here. We are of the opinion that if you can’t enjoy entertainment that’s been spoiled, then perhaps it wasn’t all that entertaining. Besides, the movie has been out for more than a month now. If you haven’t seen it by now and care at all about spoilers, then you get what you deserve. With all of that being said, if you continue to read from this point forward, there are major spoilers to the movie.)

Kylo Ren, real name Ben (most likely named by his Uncle Luke Skywalker in honor of Obi Wan Kenobi) Solo (because he is the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa) kills his father in an attempt to complete his transformation to the Dark Side. I warned you. Enjoy the following funny SNL bit as a peace offering. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can talk about the rest of the movie. Don’t worry, we’ll come back to Han and his angry, angry son later.

I already gave my first impressions of the movie right after we saw it. If you read that article, you know that I enjoyed it very much. Half of it was nostalgia, half of it was watching it through the eyes of my own children, and the most important third half of it was being able to introduce this universe to my father in law. I’ve since had some time to ponder the movie more. You probably think that means that the glow has since faded and that I’m now going to write about how the movie is not as good as I first thought. Well, you’re partially right. As time passes, the glow naturally fades and it might sound like I’m bashing the movie, but I’m not. The internet has just created this environment in which you can’t criticize anything without being a hater. Know, then, that I still enjoy this movie, want to see it again and thank it for saving the franchise from the better taste of the prequels. And, I’m one of the few who kind of enjoyed Episodes I-III. Imagine the people who thought the movies were the cinematic equivalent of being warmed inside of a Tauntaun and how relieved they are that a good Star Wars movie was made before they died.

Or, should I say, remade. How’s that for a segue into my first criticism? As with all of them, it is a minor complaint and one that can be easily explained. Nevertheless, I should discuss the good and the bad. Maybe I should take a bad news/good news approach to the article. Seems like the best way to write it. That way I can avoid the inevitable internet accusation of drinking the haterade. Besides, honestly, no matter how much I complain, I did enjoy the movie very much.

Honestly, though, I'm not even sure who drinks this stuff. It tastes like burning.
Honestly, though, I’m not even sure who drinks this stuff. It tastes like burning.

Still, always bad news first. From the opening scent of the movie, when the giant star destroyer flew across the screen, I felt that there was something familiar about this movie. It’s not just because they decided to bring everyone back, either. We all knew that was going to happen. Also, I’m not the only one who thought this. I’ve spoken to several friends who had the same reaction. Okay, enough rationalizing, let’s look at the evidence.

  • The aforementioned star destroyed sets the stage for nostalgia. I thought, “Wow, that’s just like the beginning of Episode IV.”
  • A cute droid carries information that is vital to the good guys.
  • A black masked and cloaked villain with an altered voice. This one is explained in the movie through storytelling, but still suspect at first. Kylo Ren idolizes his grandfather and wants to be just like Darth Vader, so there’s your explanation.
  • An unspectacular protagonist from a desert planet ends up being extremely important to the fate of the galaxy.
  • There is some mystery regarding this protagonist’s life story.
  • This progtagonist becomes the protege of a former scoundrel turned wiser old man who clearly knows more than he’s saying.
  • The past catches up to the old man on several occasions forcing him to reconcile with that past. He still does not reveal the whole truth, however.
  • There is a power struggle for the second in command of the dark side army.
  • The good guys have a critical meeting inside of a cantina on a planet in the far reaches of the galaxy. At least this cantina is not on the same planet that the protagonist lives.
  • This group, known as the New Order, have built a planet sized space vessel capable of destroying planets.
  • The good guys are a rag tag bunch that happens to have some of the best pilots. They destroy the so called “Starkiller” by finding and exploiting it’s single weakness against impossible odds.
  • The wise old guru is murdered by someone close to him in front of his friends who are all powerless to help him.
  • The protagonist and antagonist fight to a stand still as the battle to destroy “Starkiller” rages around them, concluding as the vessel begins to tear itself apart.
  • The protagonist finds a wise old Jedi master on a remote planet surrounded by water. Okay, so this one is more Episode V, but movies are also slightly longer on average than in the late 1970s/early 1980s.

In case all of that wasn’t obvious enough, my main complaint is that the movie is nearly an exact retelling of Episode IV. Okay, now for the excuse making. I will rebrand it as the good news after the bad news. First, they had to reintroduce the series for several reasons. One, I mentioned that I mostly enjoyed the prequels. Many others, to put it mildly, did not. In less sugar coated terms, most, by a wide margin, fans hated it with the fire of a thousand Starkiller beams. There is so much more for nerds in pop culture these days that fans might have abandoned Star Wars altogether for Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, or any one of the Marvel series on TV or Netflix. What better way to get fans back into it than by going back to where it all started and reboot the story as well as support.

solo-foot-1
I know, Captain Solo. I’m just as shocked as you that Star Wars nerds would turn their backs on the movies. But, it’s not the 1970s and 1980s anymore and the prophecies have come true. Nerds rule and jocks drool.

Two, those of us who have been there all along are getting old. It is harder to get us to buy the tie in merchandise, other than the video games. If those old farts are anything like me, they brought family and friends to the movie. My kids have already seen the original movies, but my other guest hadn’t. Perhaps by introducing them with a proper introduction, they are more likely to get hooked and revisit those first movies. Even if they don’t, they’re in now. They finally have a Star Wars that they can call their own. See, it’s a legitimate complaint, but one that makes sense if you just think about it.

Back to bad news. I talked about the final battle in the list of similarities Kylo Ren battles against Rey (the lead protagonist mentioned in that same list) after fighting against Finn (who I haven’t even mentioned yet and it’s not because I’m racist, which is exactly what a racist would say. Damn. Moving on.) and mortally wounding or killing him. After having just watched the movie, I discussed it with my cousin. I brought up that I felt it a little strange, and even a little convenient, that someone who had studied as a Jedi and then in the dark side for who knows how long lost to a woman who only hours earlier picked up a light saber for the first time. True, there is some ambiguity surrounding Rey’s history and parentage, but I still made the point to him. He replied, “Well, Kylo was shot in the side.” which is a plot development that I had overlooked in my excitement. That is actually a great explanation, Skywalker spawn or not. There are other inconsistencies like that, but that one bothered me the most.

Okay, Kylo, I guess you get a pass. Being shot in the side might prove to be a bit of a distraction from your epic lightsaber battle.
Okay, Kylo, I guess you get a pass. Being shot in the side might prove to be a bit of a distraction from your epic lightsaber battle.

Even so (good news), the inconsistencies aren’t as glaring as the original trilogy that could have been explained by the prequels, but were actually made worse in many cases. Add in the silly tinkering that he did when rereleasing the original movies and those things are an absolute mess now.

Other than those two minor complaints–that can honestly be made about any movies and especially sequels that have made it to the 7th movie, I enjoyed it and cannot wait for the next one. As soon as we left the theater and sat in the restaurant waiting for our pizza, I searched on the tablet to find the release date for Episode VIII. I was genuinely upset that we would have to wait another year and a half (now moved to two years) for the movie to be released. In our video on demand, binge-watching society, that is an eternity. Hopefully spoilers start showing up soon and I can at least find out if my theories are correct.

Until then, I suppose I still have some Clone Wars to watch. There is also the new series Rebels and I have to show my father in law the first six movies. There is the machete order to try there. Maybe I will see this one again. There is plenty of Star Wars fun to keep me busy until Christmas 2017.

Good news? There’s less than 700 days as I write this.

Bad news? There’s almost 700 days as I write this.

I feel the same feels, Pepe. That's why you always lead with the bad news. It's better to end on a good note.
I feel the same feels, Pepe. That’s why you always lead with the bad news. It’s better to end on a good note.
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My Completely Ignorant NFL Picks (Division Round Weekend)

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(Editor’sNote: Even though the divisional round is far less random than the wild card, due to popular demand, I’m bringing back the coin from last weekend to pick the games. Heck, I kind of like the gimmick. I’ll call him George McQuarter.)

[spoiler title = “TLDR:”] Went 3-1 last week, but 1-3 against the spread. George went 4-0 and 2-2. This week I have all 4 home teams; Pats, Cards, Panthers, and Broncos. George picks Chiefs, Cards, Panthers, and Steelers. [/spoiler]

Well, I didn’t make 50,000 dollars in stupid Fantasy Football. I didn’t even make it past the first round. I did learn some valuable lessons about daily fantasy football and I’m now obsessed with the math of betting sports. My father gave me the advice to never bet on a sport where the ball bounces funny and I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m a math guy and the math intrigues me.

I went 3-1 straight up last week. The Green Bay Rodgers came to life for one game as the Washington team turtled and that game was hopeless. I was also 1-3 against the spread. I’m not sure how all that translates to betting possibilities, but I’d probably have put together a moneyline parlay with Kansas City and Seattle. I don’t think it would have paid much, but I’d have made money, so there’s that. Maybe I’ll do this column weekly next year with 200 fictional dollars (enough for 10 dollars each week leading to the Super Bowl and then if I have money at the end, I can use that for the Super Bowl) and see where I end up. I could do the same for George, who was 4-0 and 2-2 against the spread, but I’d have to figure out a way to rank George’s confidence without intentionally sabotaging him.

Rare picture of George. After getting this shot, he shouted, "No paparazzi!", and then jumped up, smacked me in the forehead hard enough to leave a mark, and rolled off. I haven't seen him since. He's been texting his picks to me. It's a strained relationship right now.
Rare picture of George. After getting this shot, he shouted, “No paparazzi!”, and then jumped up, smacked me in the forehead hard enough to leave a mark, and rolled off. I haven’t seen him since. He’s been texting his picks to me. Needless to say, It’s a strained relationship right now.

Okay, enough silliness, on to the picks. I honestly did no research this week other than look up the lines. I didn’t even listen to Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal. So, this week might be ugly. However, the Divisional Round is traditionally where the playoffs settle back into form after the craziness of the Coin Flip Round. This year’s Coin Flip round was especially crazy with all 4 road teams winning, so I see a possible overcorrection happening this week.

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-5): There are a lot of people who are high on Kansas City, especially after they thrashed a very terrible Houston Texans team last week. I’m not as high on them because all I keep thinking is Andy Reid on the road against Bill Belichick. I don’t care how many Patriots are injured. I don’t care that Kansas City is coming off of a huge win in the Coin Flip game. I just don’t care. Nothing can convince me that the Patriots won’t win this game. The Chiefs might, might cover if all of those Pats are actually hurt, but the Pats will win this game. George likes the Chiefs 59-41.

Green Bay Packers at Arizona Cardinals (-7): The Packers whipped the Washingtons, but that’s not saying much. The Washingtons are slightly better than the Texans because they actually have a quarterback. Arizona has been the team to beat almost all year and they’re my NFC pick for the Super Bowl. The Packers are my crazy pick, so this is the game. I can’t pick against Arizona at home. They’ll shut down Rodgers and just win. George likes Arizona, too, but he’s less confident, 52-48.

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers (-3): Seattle escaped by the skin of their teeth last week in awful conditions in Minnesota. I’m not as high on Carolina as some seem to be, but I’m pretty sure they can win this one. The NFC seems far less wonky this year than the AFC and I have much more confidence in their top seeds. George picks the Panthers, too, 57-43.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos (-7): The following is a transcript of a text conversation with my friend. I had been texting him the night before with updates on my fantasy failure and also grumping about the Steelers/Bengals game and what a terrible game it was. I had shut it off when the Bengals intercepted the ball with 1:36 left or whatever.

Him: Do you like NFL any better today?
Me: Nope. (Steelers lost and I’m out of the fantasy running)
Him: Steelers going to Mile Hile????
Me: How? Bungs picked it off with a minute left. (I gave up on the game and went to bed).

After that, I went to check the score, saw that the Steelers won and went on to discuss with him that this terrible Steelers team is now two improbable wins from the Super Bowl. I don’t think that this Steelers team is any better than they were before, but weird things happen in these Steelers/Broncos playoff games. Of all of the games, I’m least confident of this one. I’m picking the Broncos, but I’d love to be wrong to see this awful Steelers team playing for a chance to go to the Super Bowl. George has the Steelers 51-49, so he’s just as shaky on this one.

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My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview (Coin Flip Weekend Edition)

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(Note: I swore off the NFL, and especially the Super Bowl, about 6 or 7 years ago. I cheated a couple of times by watching the second half of Steelers/Cardinals and the last couple of drives of Pats/Giants II for the schadenfreude.)

[spoiler title = “TLDR:”] Pats/Cards in the Super Bowl. Steelers/Packers in the Crazy Bowl. Chiefs, Steelers, Seahawks, Redskins for this weekend. Hopefully I win 50,000 dollars in stupid fantasy football.[/spoiler]

Last year, I started what I hoped would be an annual tradition. As with most of my plans, this one got lost somewhere between planning and implementation. I wrote an article called “My Completely Ignorant NFL Preview” to basically show that the blowhards on TV and the internet every week have no better idea than anyone else as to how the NFL is going to unfold in any particular season. I picked how each team would finish in their division and then made a Super Bowl prediction. The division picks were a mixed bag. Then again, I never thought to check how I did compared to the “expert” (Dr Z? Is he still a thing?) I fashioned my article after, which would have been a good follow up. Oh well, good intentions and all that. However, I came within 5 seconds and a crazy sequence of events from winning my Seahawks over Patriots pick.

If I was a gambling man, this would have been me. I would have specifically asked my bookie to deliver the money in this fashion. He would have most likely responded to this request with a pair of cement shoes.

If I was a gambling man, this would have been me. I would have specifically asked my bookie to deliver the money in this fashion. He would have most likely responded to this request with a pair of cement shoes.

I also only lost two picks in the entire playoffs, including that stupid Super Bowl. Eff the Patriots. Nevertheless, emboldened by that success and my fantasy football championship, I present to you the second annual “Completely Ignorant NFL Playoff Picks”. Before I pick the Coin Flip, er Wild Card, games, I’m going to talk a little about the Super Bowl. Obviously, I didn’t get to make preseason picks and I can’t go back in time–not even virtually–to make them, so I’m limited to doing it now. In keeping with tradition, the only research that I’ve done is listening to Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal discuss the NFL from a degenerate gambling point of view, so I will follow their lead in this article. In that spirit, here are the Super Bowl odds for all of the playoff teams as of 1/8/2016.

Super Bowl Odds
Panthers, Patriots, Cardinals (9/2)
Seahawks, Broncos (5/1)
Steelers (8/1)
Bengals (20/1)
Chiefs (25/1)
Packers (30/1)
Redskins (40/1)
Texans (60/1)

As you can see, there is no clear favorite this year. Usually, by this time of the year, everyone has jumped on the Patriots bandwagon. They’ve looked so bad over the last month or so that people (well, not technically people, gamblers) are spooked. The biggest surprise to me is that the Steelers are so heavily favored, but that might be because I’m a Steelers fan and they are a terrible team that passes for decent in today’s watered down National Football League.

If you want to sound like a professional commentator, you have to say things like "National Football League". Also, by including this picture, I may now be sued by the National Football League. Whatever. Maybe my bad boy image and devil may care attitude will finally lead to my big break as a writer. Hey, it worked for others in "The Biz".
If you want to sound like a professional commentator, you have to say things like “National Football League”. Also, by including this picture, I may now be sued by the National Football League. Whatever. Maybe my bad boy image and devil may care attitude will finally lead to my big break as a writer. Hey, it worked for others in “The Biz”.

With all of that being said, they are my outside pick for the AFC team in the Super Bowl. More on that in a moment. i’m calling this the Coin Flip round. That’s only partially a joke. Like almost everyone else (or maybe more so given my absolute ignorance on the subject), I am clueless as to how this playoff season will unfold. I honestly have no good feeling, even, about any of these games ore team. How, then, am I supposed to pick two teams from this hodge podge of 12 as a proper Super Bowl match up?

Well, then, to be safe and increase my odds, I’m going to pick four. I will pick an obvious match up and I will also make an “off the rails” pick that could conceivably happen if things go just right for the teams involved. Let’s start with the obvious picks and build suspense on the NFC “outsider” pick. To be fair, I’m also putting that one off because I don’t have a good one yet.

I really need to stop getting my crystal balls at Wal*Mart.
I really need to stop getting my crystal balls at Wal*Mart.

Sure, they’ve looked terrible lately, especially over the last two games, but they might have just been playing possum. Plus, I always lead with eff them, but until someone proves that they can eff them, I have to pick the Patriots. Many think that Carolina is Cinderella and they’re all waiting for the coach to turn back into a pumpkin. (Oh, come on, that was a good pun and I didn’t even mean to do it.) I am among them. I have no faith in the Panthers, so I’m going with the Cardinals in the NFC.

If I understand how odds work (and there’s no guarantee of that) and my math is right (there’s a much better chance that is true), then that gives 29.25 to 1 odds of this happening according to what Vegas says. And, that’s the sure thing this year. There’s just no rhyme or reason in today’s National Football League. If I had more of a production budget, I could have made a cool graphic like the robots fighting or helmets crashing into each other, but all we have is the image below. Enjoy.

There's your Super Bowl 50 (because the National Football League presumably didn't want Super Bowl Large to come 10 years after Super Bowl Extra Large) match up. Place your bets now. Or, probably don't, because, honestly, who the hell knows?
There’s your Super Bowl 50 (because the National Football League presumably didn’t want Super Bowl Large to come 10 years after Super Bowl Extra Large) match up. Place your bets now. Or, probably don’t, because, honestly, who the hell knows?

I’ve already told you that I think the Steelers have an (extremely) outside shot of going to the Super Bowl this year, but that requires beating the Patriots and that’s something that they’ve never been able to do reliably. Especially this year, of all years, they have a crap defense and the Patriots are susceptible to the rush due to a patchwork offensive line. Oh well, here’s how I see it happening. Steelers beat the Bungles, which is possible because the Steelers hurt another Cincinnati quarterback earlier in the year. First Carson Palmer and now Andy Dalton. It is slightly less likely now because D’Angelo Williams is hurt. Look at how smart I look at missing my own deadline. Anyhow, if that happens, they’d play the Broncos. Peyton Manning usually folds against both the Steelers and Patriots, but again, this isn’t my father’s Pittsburgh Steelers. Finally, the Steelers would have to beat Patriots, who would easily dispatch of the Chiefs or Texans. Highly improbable, and that is why I don’t understand how they are only 8 to 1.

In the NFC, the Packers could beat the Redskins. That would put them against the fraudulent Panthers in the second round and then they’d have to defeat the Cardinals in the Championship to get to the Super Bowl. Both of my outsider teams would have to beat my sure thing teams and that’s insanity. It shows in the numbers. The sure thing was about 30 to 1. This one is nearly 10 times that at 278 to 1. Both of these logos have letters in them, so they look weird when flipped. My Steelers bias would rather have the Packers look weird.

Your Super Bowl 50 match up in an alternate universe where I am a gambling savant and a gajillionaire.
Your Super Bowl 50 match up in an alternate universe where I am a gambling savant and a gajillionaire.

Okay, now finally on to the picks for those of you who didn’t take advantage of the TLDR. Since this is coin flip weekend, I will give you the coin’s take on it first and then my own.

Chiefs (-3) at Texans: The coin picks the Chiefs by a score of 59-41 in 100 coin flips. I have to agree with the coin on this one. The Texans have limped through the season as the best team in the worst division in football. The Chiefs aren’t a sexy team, but they are a great team to be fodder for the rejuvenated Patriots in the next round.

Steelers (-3) at Bengals: The coin is fairly certain of this one, too. Steelers win 58-42. I’m less certain. As I said, so many people love the Steelers, but I think that is fantasy football bias. The Steelers have sexy fantasy guys and that doesn’t always translate. Even with Williams out, I think the Steelers have enough to beat AJ McCarron and the Bengals again.

Seahawks (-5) at Vikings: The coin thinks this one will be closer, but it picks the Seahawks 51-49. I’m more confident in this pick. The Seahawks tend to turn it on in the playoffs. Like the Steelers, their defense has taken a step back and their running back is injured, but it’s the Seahawks. Like the Patriots, you can’t count them out until they’re out.

Packers (-1) at Washington: Well, the coin thinks it is going to be a road sweep this weekend. Packers win this one 52-48. I didn’t want to pick all road teams and I think this game is the one that will be most wide open. The Packers are Aaron Rodgers and a bunch of other guys right now and Washington might have finally found a quarterback in Cousins.

I don’t think that I will come close to my record from last year and this weekend could be a disaster picks wise. Oh well, thankfully I’m not a gambling man, but I did take a free entry into Yahoo Sports daily fantasy playoffs contest, so maybe I’ll somehow luck out and win $50,000 dollars to help heal the pain of looking completely foolish. I’m pretty sure that’s how the pros deal with that aspect of the job.

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Not So Long Ago…

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(Editor’s Note: Spoiler Alert! This movie was awesome!)

My history with Star Wars is well documented. Perhaps not on this page, but all it takes is a single inquiry or comment and I will tell you all about it. What’s that? You want to hear all about it? Perhaps another time. Let’s just say that I am of a certain age and temperament that lends itself to minor obsession with the films. I’m not a costume guy, but I did attend a midnight showing of Episode III and I made Christine come with me to watch at least Episode IV when it was re-released into the theaters. She’s still “on the fence”, but I think she hates the movies and merely tolerates them like I do country music. You have to make sacrifices for the ones you love.

Since the boys have been born, much of my Star Wars experience has been of the Lego variety. They’ve seen some of the actual movies, but we’ve spared them the more intense Episode III and I despise everything about Episode II, so they might not have seen that one, either. News of Episode VII had me excited, then apprehensive because Disney and JJ Abrams (ugh), and finally back to a fevered pitch of fan boy enthusiasm that culminated in ordering tickets for the official premiere date for me, Liam, Aiden, and my father-in-law.

So, if Wil Wheaton is unofficial king of the nerds, does that make him queen? Nah, I suppose that's Felicia Day. Maybe he's the duke, but nobody even knows what a duke is. Jester, then. JJ Abrams is the jester of the nerd court.
So, if Wil Wheaton is unofficial king of the nerds, does that make him queen? Nah, I suppose that’s Felicia Day. Maybe he’s the duke, but nobody even knows what a duke is. Jester. JJ Abrams is the jester of nerd court.

I wasn’t sure how to structure this article, but I had a flash of inspiration and I”m going to go with a running journal starting on Thursday afternoon. That’s when the excitement really started to ramp up to nearly mythical levels.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

4:45 pm: While at tutoring, I got a text from my wife that read, “Dinner at my Moms at 5:30 pm.” Okay, cool, no problem. While dinner at her mother’s might not seem all that interesting or relevant to a story about Star Wars, I assure you it has a place. Stay tuned.

6:30 pm: Dinner was ham and au gratin potatoes. it was delicious and, you are right, has nothing to do with Star Wars. You just have to appreciate the little things in life.

Side note: I have not been as excited about the movie as expected. Maybe the grind of the end of the semester interfered. Perhaps, because we don’t have cable, I have been able to avoid the incessant advertising.

Yes, in case you don’t know, we are the annoying family without cable that uses that trait as one of our identifying characteristics. I found myself saying, “We don’t even have TV at home. Why are you arguing over TV?” to my 5 year old.

Well, after dinner, the hype machine finally got me. A commercial came on for Dodge (or ram or are they the same thing? Who cares, right?) with Star wars music in the background and I made a comment about buying the truck just because they put Star Wars on it. My father in law replied with, “They’ve been putting Star Wars on everything.” Sure enough, the next commercial was a tie-in, too. I have to admit that I got a kick out of that one, though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ESP8bPldl0

6:49 pm: After the commercial, I said, “Okay, that one was funny.” and my wife rolled her eyes. She had already been making side comments through and after dinner and I just had to ask her to stop. I don’t usually get defensive about my nerd love, but Star Wars is different. As I explained to her, I’ve been watching these movies since I was a kid and now I’m taking my own kids to see them. When she first said, “I love you.” I replied with, “I know.” I’m not a super Star Wars fan, but buried deep down, I am.

6:50 pm: To assuage my hurt feelings and pump the gas (or tug the steam whistle, but that sounds weird) of the hype train a little, I watch the trailer again. Now that I’m more familiar with the new characters, watching it gives me the ASMR something fierce. I watch it five times. Aiden joins me for one of the viewings.

7:15-10:30 pm: The hype is somewhat diminished by having to write a final. Tests are the absolute worst part of my job (I know #firstworldproblems) but they are a necessary evil.

10:30 pm: Speaking of necessary evil…Watching one of my favorite streamers on Twitch and someone comes with the chat with, “Just got home from Star Wars.” Immediately he is hit with the “No spoilers in this chat!!” by several users and a couple even ask for an unconditional ban “just in case”. Look, I get it….sort of. Your lives are so devoid of suspense and surprise that you live vicariously through movies and television. But, serious, the “No spoilers!” gestapo has gotten out of hand. The guy is simply trying to start a conversation about something he enjoyed and assumes that you enjoy as well. I, and one other, responded with, “Is it any good?” He said that he really enjoyed it and listed off the reasons without giving away any major plot points.

Don't worry. I'm not going to post spoilers just to spite people. I'm not a complete jerk. I just wanted to see how many people would scramble away after getting to this image. Okay, maybe I'm a bit of a jerk.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to post spoilers just to spite people. I’m not a complete jerk. I just wanted to see how many people would scramble away after getting to this image. Okay, maybe I’m a bit of a jerk.

10:45 pm: Shortly after, my cousin contacted me to compare notes. I told him that I had yet to see it and we also went on to discuss the movie without giving anything away. We talked at length, too, about a variety of subjects. We expressed a desire to see the movie more than once. He assured me that JJ Abrams did a good job, which I was still a bit worried about. We both lamented that our wives showed no interest in the movie. Having already seen the movie, he was particularly dismayed that his wife wasn’t there. We moved onto female representation and it sounds like they are trying to appeal more to women with this series.

As an aside, my feeling is that this film is about leaving the past behind and reinventing Star Wars for the future. I know, that sounds weird. But, I contend that the disastrous prequels were meant to be for the hard core fans, but Uncle George overcompensated and we got what we got.

Oh well, maybe the boys and I can wear her down over vacation and get her to see it with us. It is really something that I want to share with her. After I see it, maybe I can find an angle.

12:15 am: I joked with my cousin that I might not even sleep because I was so excited. That became a lie as I crashed on the couch watching Twitch.

Friday, December 18, 2015

6:15 am: Alarm goes off and today is the day! All I have to do is give two finals, one tutoring session, and I will be on my way to the theater. I’m excited, but I also think that I might have a cold coming on.

11:15 am: One final given and the tutoring session done and I need to go get some medicine and do Christmas shopping at the mall. I’m not looking forward to this at all. Oh, hey, what’s that? It’s a pretty cool looking R2D2 shirt that I can wear to strengthen my nerd cred. The shirt and lunch at my favorite Greek place made the “have to do”s all worth it.

I don't know if you can see from the picture, but it is the silhouette of R2D2 (okay, that's not a surprise) with iconic moments from the movies in each panel. Pretty awesome.
I don’t know if you can see from the picture, but it is the silhouette of R2D2 (okay, that’s not a surprise) with iconic moments from the movies in each panel. Pretty awesome.

2:15 pm: Last final is done! I’m so excited that I’m going to go out to the van and take a nap! I know, I know, all of this build up to the big day, it’s almost time, and that’s my response. I’m pretty sure that this cold is actually the flu. So, I curl up in the van for a short winter’s nap.

3:00 pm: Nap over! Let’s do this. I drive to Amherst, find my father-in-law’s truck, and park near him. I meet them all in the theater, post to my Facebook (because it’s not official unless it’s on social media), grab the tickets, they get popcorn and soda, and then we go stand in line for the movie. The half an hour wait in the theater for the movie to start is excruciating and made all the worse by the cheesy pre-show advertisements that they show. By the end of it, I scream, “Let’s go already!” Not one to get faked out, I also say, “Is it actually starting?” when the Lucasfilm logo comes onto the screen. Thankfully for me and those in the immediate vicinity who were sick of my whining, it was actually starting. The theater went black, the title came up, the theme song started, and applause began.

7:30 pm: The opening wasn’t the only applause worthy moment. I’m pretty sure that Aiden even got the theater going a couple of times when some of his favorite characters came onto the screen. I gave the movie a standing ovation. It wasn’t perfect, which goes without saying, but it was a very good movie. They paid homage to the past in the right way and they are definitely moving the franchise forward at the same time. As with many fans, I was a little down on Star Wars after the prequels and then the Disney sale, but everything has worked out well so far. Even though I’m pretty sure I know how Episode VIII and IX will continue the story, I’m still unbelievably excited to see both of them. We still have a good year and a half, so I guess the only course of action is to go see this one a couple of more times.

If you’re a fan, you’ve already seen and drew your own conclusions. If you’re not a fan, this is actually the perfect movie to get into the series. After you’ve done that, go back and watch the originals. If you still love Star Wars after that, avoid the prequels altogether, except for maybe Episode III and Episode I if you can stomach it. As always, May the Force be with you.

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Farewell Parks and Rec

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(Editor’s Note: We’re going to take a hiatus from games for this one. I’ve been meaning to do this article for a few months, but it got lost in the shuffle. Parks and Recreation was such a good show that I want to give it a proper send off. Don’t worry. The games will be back next week.)

(2nd Editor’s Note: I have been trying to break up my posts from appearing as a wall of text. Because of my respect for this fantastic show, I’m bringing back the wall for this article. TLDR: Parks and Rec is a very good show. If you haven’t seen it, watch it. You won’t be disappointed.)

When I last wrote a “Farewell” post, it was for The Walking Dead and it was because I just couldn’t handle the level of violence and misery offered by the show. I’m getting sensitive in my old age. American Horror Story suffered a similar fate after their love of shock seemed to trump any attempt at story. I never wrote an article about that show because (a) I don’t have the history with that show and (b) I didn’t have a web page at the time. My history with Parks and Rec is not as deep as Walking Dead, either, but it is significant.

I come not to bury Parks and Recreation. In fact, when I tuned into the most recent season a few months ago, I had no idea that it was the final season. Rather, I come to praise it as one of the most consistent shows ever. (Who knew that memorizing that speech would someday pay off? My 9th grade English teacher, that’s who!) I knew that sounds like damning with faint praise, but I’m not.

It wasn’t one of my favorite shows. I found it not because of a personal recommendation or overwhelming critical praise, but completely by accident. I think that it came up as one of the “Shows You May Like” or whatever Hulu calls it. I watched the first few episodes and just kept watching because it was always good. Other shows have ups and downs. That never happened with Parks and Rec. It just kept plugging along like the little engine that could. Again, I’m not doing such a great job of selling this. Admittedly, I’m a terrible salesman. Let me try again.

Initially I watched for the same reason that I suspect many watched. There are so many familiar faces in the show. Hey, she’s from SNL. That’s Pam’s boyfriend from The Office. No, not that one. The other one. The one that nobody liked because we were supposed to be all in on Jim and Pam. Speaking of, remember the whole Jim and Pam fight story line? Ups and downs, Man, ups and downs. Holy cow, is that Rob Lowe?

Eventually, I had watched enough for the other characters to become more recognizable. I didn’t like Tom much at first. He grew on me. I’m not sure if it was by design–though I suspect it was because the show never suffered from identity crisis, either–gradually Tom’s bravado became a thin veneer of armor to protect his soft and fuzzy heart of gold. Holy mixed metaphors, Batman! I saw myself in Tom’s story and I started to root for the guy. Even as he repeatedly hitched his wagon to John Ralphio (who is the closest to unwatchable as the show ever came and I never considered it), I looked forward to Tom’s scenes more and more with each passing episode.

My other alter ego on the show, April, appealed to me right away. Like Ton, she hid her true identity. Unlike Tom, but more like me, she used her acerbic wit to deflect any possible feelings. I instantly identified with her sarcasm as a defense mechanism. She was my first favorite character on the show.

Andy, who I mistakenly identified earlier as the they that everyone was supposed to hate on The Office to make them love Jim and Pam more, played such an iconic role that I have a tough time placing him in new roles. Similar to Sarah Michelle Gellar, who I will always identify as Buffy and vice versa. I always thought it was just because she was such a bad actor, but I’m having the same trouble with him. He played Starlord, one of my favorite comic book characters of all time and I still think of him as “Andy” and it even sometimes is “Andy” followed by a wide smile.

Donna was fine as “everybody’s sassy black lady friend”, Jerry was a bit tiresome as the fat, old, dumb white guy. Neither of them added enough to the show to be anything more than minor supporting characters, but they both fit into the roles well. Granted, they both became beloved, too, but at first they weren’t a reason to watch the show.

The main reason to watch the show, for me and others no doubt, was the incomparable Ron Swanson. Leslie might have been the main character of Parks and Rec, the other characters might have been the glue to keep the show together. None of that would have mattered without Ron. Put simply, Ron is Parks and Rec. Similar to Dwight, he represents everything the show stands for. There’s a reason that those two characters transcended to become memes and pop culture icons.

Other characters came and went as they do. The show continued being good and improved with each episode. I enjoyed the show so much that I branched off into another showbecause Hulu also recommended that one. I actually liked that show, Outsourced, better than Parks and Rec at first. I was clearly in the minority since it only lasted one season. Oh well, I guess I got my dad’s (I picked Betamax over VHS) talent when it comes to picking winners.

My collision course with this final season of Parks and Recreation marched onward to inevitability. Little did I know that it would happen so soon and so suddenly. Even as I watched, I thought that it was weird that they kept flashing forward to tell part of the story. It was a cool story telling device, but I never made the connection that they were doing it because we were saying good-bye to these characters. I learned through a podcast or the radio that it was the final season and then it hit hard.

I went back to watch the first couple of episodes again. If they were stopping the show, then I wanted to be able to experience the end with my undivided attention. I’m glad that I did. Each episodefocused on one character and what happened to them after the show ended. True to form, it treated all of the characters with respect and gave them all proper send offs. I don’t think that I disagreed with a single ending for any of the characters. I was wrong when they got closer and finally revealed Leslie’s, which is odd because I’m usually able to follow the clues better than that. Nevertheless, the episode was great and all of the others were, too. That’s also strange for me because I’m usually difficult to please when it comes to endings. The best of them was Ron and I was just waiting for them to screw that one up, but they didn’t.

All in all, I guess I could say that this was one of my favorite shows. I didn’t aggressively watch it like Breaking Bad. I didn’t look forward to it like Walking Dead. I didn’t share it with Christine as I’ve done with many other shows. But, I did watch it and I watched it consistently and I watched it to the end. Not only did I watch it to the end, but I enjoyed that ending more than anticipated or expected. It might not have been a great show, but it was a very good show. It was always very good and that consistency is rare to find. Thank you so much for the years of entertainment, Parks and Recreation. Television is so much worse in your absence.

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Free Comic Book Day 2015

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(Note: The first ones are free, Kid. After that, you gotta pay.)

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I’ve been under the impression that our family made Free Comic Book Day a tradition and that we’ve gone every year for the last couple of years. Now that I look at this picture of our first (and only recorded) visit, I realize that memory is, once again, the worst witness. That was at least two–and maybe even three–years ago. A visit to Facebook to check the time stamp confirms that we took a year off from the annual celebration of five finger discounts on the funny pages and I’m not sure why. It might have been birthday parties or something. It definitely was not the quality of comics. Those were actually very good and quite impressive for free.

We missed last year, as mentioned, but I put it on the calendar this year. I also reminded everyone for days leading up to the big event. Some of he story of how the actual day went are told in my previous post. If you can’t–or don’t want to–read the story right now, I’ll give the TL:DR version. We got stuck in parade traffic, got to the comic book store late, got our comics, and didn’t stay for anything else. I almost got suckered into buying a set of Dice Masters. Bound to happen eventually.

So, what about the books? I don’t know if it was just because we were late, but the selection seemed quite underwhelming this year. Maybe it is because I haven’t been collecting for at least a decade. I didn’t recognize many of the comics. The ones that I did know didn’t look that appealing. I mean, really, they’re doing Secret Wars again? Come on, have some originality. In the end, I got TMNT (to see if the hype is real), Divergence, and Secret Wars because I’m a fraud. The boys got Pokemon, Transformers, Sonic/Megaman, and Teen Titans/Scooby Doo. Truth be told, their comics look more interesting, so I’ll leave those for last.

divergenceFirst up is Divergence. This is some DC book that contains three separate stories about their most popular characters. I’m a little frustrated that they’re rebooting again, but it is also maybe a good idea. How much are comics now? $3 isn’t bad. I’m intrigued. Wait, they killed Batman? And Joker? What the hell is this? I agree with Gordon. This is dumb. A reboot is good because it gives a good place to get back in, but will I? The next story is about Superman. The first thing that I notice is that JRJR is now with DC. That seems odd. Lois gave up his secret identity? Maybe I do want to check this out. The Wonder Woman story is also good and I actually write Chris that I’m considering a return to the comic book store. If only the Marvel books are as good.

secret warsYeah, about that. They are not. Secret Wars is terrible. Ultimate End is awful. Inhumans is ridiculously inane. These are all previews and none of them make me want to buy the actual book. In what universe do we live that I’m more interested in DC books than Marvel? Clearly Marvel has given up on comics and prefers to exist in movies and television.

tmntThat brings us to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both Chris and I had strong things to say about Donatello being killed off in a recent story line, but this is actually a pretty good book right now. The only name that I recognize is Eastman, but that might actually be a good thing. I still think that it could have been done without killing Donatello. Still, I might pick up some of the trades to catch up on the story.

POK_201502FCBD2015SolicitationCover.inddNow, onto the books that the boys picked up. Liam read Pokemon as soon as we got back in the car. He called it weird and said that it didn’t follow the main story. It is one of the comics that reads backwards, but I don’t think that’s what he meant by weird. Many of the Pokemon comics are like that. I suspect that he meant the same thing with both statements. I haven’t read it yet, but I trust his judgement.

transformersThe Transformers comic is a full story one similar to the DC books that I read and they illustrate just how old I am. I only recognize Bumblebee, but I suppose that many of the characters are from the Transformers Prime. I’ve always meant to watch the show. Maybe this will be the introduction and reason that I need to start. There is also an interesting little introduction to Transformers vs. GI Joe. The book isn’t bad, but it’s definitely a kid book.

sonicBoth the Sonic/Megaman and Scooby-Doo/Teen Titans books follow the same format as the Transformers. They are full story introductions into the new stories that are coming during the summer. One thing that I notice is that there are multiple Sonic titles. They also blatantly plug a new video game, which is to be expected, I suppose. Megaman is much darker and more intense. Seems like it might be better for older kids and I’m somewhat interested to see how the comics and worlds will cross over. Finally, Scooby-Doo is much more like the older TV show that I remember than some of the more recent TV shows have been. That’s a good thing. I couldn’t even do Teen Titans. There was far too much happening in that book, color and insanity wise for my old brain.

scoobyIn closing, other than TMNT the adult books were disappointing. DC was better than Marvel, but that’s not saying much because Marvel were awful. The kid books were all full story, mostly decent, fun, and more interesting than the adult ones. I doubt that I’d enjoy any of them as a month to month. There is some glimmer of hope. They are doing what Chris and I thought they should do and trying to hook young fans into comic books. I don’t know how successful, but both boys have asked to read some of my old books. I also asked them if they wanted to start collecting comics and they both said yes. Once again, they failed to hook me enough to get me to start collecting, but I might invest in trades of TMNT, at least, so that’s something. Also, definitely going to sign up for Marvel Unlimited because they have another free month trial. I’m not fully back and I might never be. However, I’m at least partly still in, so there’s hope for us old guys, too.

Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Unlimited Marvel?

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(Editor ‘s Note: TLDR, Shut up Marvel and take more of my money!)

We are not just about games here at 2 Guys Gaming. I used to be a comic book collector. Wait. That isn ‘t the right verb tense. I still have boxes of comics in my closet. My name is Shawn and I am a comic book collector ( ?Hi, Shawn. ?) currently on hiatus. I started collecting as a teenager, but got rid of that collection when I no longer wanted to move those boxes. I picked up the hobby again a few years ago after moving into our house because I knew that we wouldn ‘t be moving again for a long time. Also, several of the story lines at the time intrigued me. This was during the Infinite Crisis at DC and Civil War at Marvel, so they didn ‘t disappoint. The books became more and more expensive but the profit margins stayed more or less the same for local stores. After moving once for cheaper rent, our town store finally went under and I had no easy access to that particular paper drug.

I kept collecting The Walking Dead, Y: The Last Man, and some of the Ultimate Marvel titles for a couple of months. The Ultimates were the first to go, then inexplicably Y, and finally I gave up on The Walking Dead last year just when it is reaching its most popular. I know I sound like a hipster, and I just might be, but I like the original stuff better. The story is getting too depressing for me in my old age. With the habit finally kicked, like any addict, I was ripe for another. As our oldest son grew up, I noticed that he shared my affinity for video games so I told him about Pokemon. He started playing and immediately became a Pokekid. When I then told him that there was a card game, we started visiting that section of Wal*Mart and Target more often. During one of these trips, I saw that Magic cards were still a thing. Enter a new cardboard crack ( ?Hi, Shawn! ?) after I picked up a Deckbuilder ‘s toolkit. Most of my hobby budget has gone to Magic since giving up comic books.

The reasons for this are threefold. First, a new set of Magic cards are released only every few months instead of every week. Instead of spending 25-50 dollars per week, I ‘m only spending 100-150 about three times a year. Second, the cards are much smaller and easier to store. I have thousands of cards stored in boxes that take up the same room as only a couple hundred comics. They were much easier to sort into those boxes, too. While the comics remain in disarray, the cards are separated by color and card type. Third, I rarely read comic books more than once. All of those comics sitting in my closet are most likely fated to remain there until the estate sale. I am constantly changing decks and adding new cards, so even the ones in storage probably won ‘t stay there very long. If they do, they still have a chance to be played eventually. Fourth (1, 2, 3, 4? Bear with me, I ‘m only a mathematician), the cards have a more immediate and larger resale value than the comics as long as you play the market right. This article isn ‘t about Magic. This article isn ‘t about Magic. Sorry, many of my recent articles have been about Magic. There is a point to all of this. What is the point? Oh, right. Magic clearly became my hobby addiction of choice.

However, as an adult child, I never truly outgrow any of these frivolous endeavors. Therefore, when I received an email for a free (or discounted, I can ‘t remember) month of Marvel Unlimited, I took notice. I promptly forgot all about it and missed the promotion. Luckily, there are many free comics available on the app to get me hooked and spend my money. Let ‘s see what this app is all about.

The first thing I do is scroll to the free books to see what is available. I recognize most of them from when I last collected, but a few catch my eye like the first issue of Red Hulk. That was about the time that I stopped reading. There are also two versions of Guardians of the Galaxy, one from 2008 and one from 2013. Finally, I recognize and file away 1602. I saw the title when I collected, but never checked it out at the time. Nothing else interested me in the free bin this month. They have other titles like Deadpool, but I feel like Deadpool by himself might get old. I really liked his team up title with Cable, but that one isn ‘t free if they offer it at all. Still, those 4 books might be enough to get me to sign up for a membership for a month at least.

I picked Red Hulk as my first book to read. I ‘m not sure why I didn ‘t read it when it was released. Jeph Loeb is one of my favorite writers and a must read. I think that I was so enamored with the World War and Planet Hulk storylines that I didn ‘t think anything could top them at the time. Reading issue #1 of Red Hulk now, I was right. I never would have gotten past this issue back then. That ‘s not to say that it is bad. It isn ‘t. The story got me interested and left off with a cliff hanger that had me immediately wanting to read the next part. It just wasn ‘t on the same level as the other two stories and would have gotten an unfair comparison at the time. Now, though, I definitely want to read the next issue. Point #1 to Marvel Unlimited.

I went with the 2008 version of Guardians of the Galaxy for my second pick. Guardians used to be my favorite title when I was younger and I ‘m glad to see that it is getting love again. Marvel made what some would consider to be a niche story into one of the most fun movies that I ‘ve watched recently. Okay, let ‘s read some Guardians. Well, that ‘s disappointing. Not altogether surprising, but still disappointing. When I opened the app, it immediately informed me that it stopped working. This happens only about 20% of the time and the app always starts back up with no problem. It is a minor inconvenience, but it is real. I wouldn ‘t call this a full point deduction. I already don ‘t like paying for digital content, though, especially buggy digital content from a publisher as large as Marvel. One half point from Marvel.

(As an aside, what is this score that I ‘m keeping? What scale am I using? How do I know when enough points have accumulated to purchase the app? This whole enterprise feels very arbitrary. Oh well, what are we around here if not arbitrary. Onward and upward!)

As far as the content of the two Guardians titles goes, they both more or less follow the standard for Starlord and the gang. Similar to the movie, Marvel uses both first issues to introduce the team of mostly lesser known heroes. Yes, I just made another thinly veiled reference that I liked Guardians before they were cool. It ‘s already been established that I am a wannabe comic book hipster.

I enjoyed the 2008 version better than the 2013 version. Both books were good in their own ways. It ‘s just that the 2013 book was written by Brian Michael Bendis. I usually like his stuff. His writing style didn ‘t seem to fit the personality of the Guardians of the Galaxy very well. I didn ‘t recognize the 2008 writers name, but he wrote the comic in a much more fun style. Guardians of the Galaxy is ultimately about the absurd and the writers (I just checked and there were two. That ‘s usually bad news for comic books or movies) captured that spirit much better than Bendis.

I also just learned that Neil Gaiman wrote the last free comic that I want to read. Yes, I am way behind the times, but we already knew that. Almost everyone is a fan of Neil Gaiman, even if they don ‘t know, and I am no different. Well, I am different because I do know that I ‘m a fan. You get what I ‘m trying to say. Hopefully you do because I ‘m not entirely sure and I don ‘t think that either of us is ready to suffer yet another of my lengthy explanations. So, we understand one another? Yes? Good. Let ‘s move on. Arbitrary 3/4 of a point to Marvel. Current arbitrary score: 1 and 1/4

1602 takes several familiar tales, some based in fact and some based in fiction, and fuses them into a whole new and highly entertaining story. Marvel Knights has always been famous for those types of comics and this one is a good introduction into the MK style, especially for non comic book fans. Even if you are a comic fan, there is enough to keep you interested and entertained. I don ‘t know how the comics rotate into the free app, but this one is free right now. If you ‘re somehow like me and never read it, I recommend that you give it a chance. Arbitrary 7/8 of a point to Marvel. Current arbitrary score: 2 and 1/8

Well, more or less, four for four (That was awkward to type and I ‘m sure just as awkward to read. Please don ‘t try to read it out loud. I ‘m afraid of the potential consequences.) on the free comics. For the low, low price of 9.95 (or is it 9.99?), I can have access to the rest of the issues and thousands more. I know that the content is digital. I also know that I sound much older than I am by making that statement. Hey, kids, get off my lawn with your internets and iPods! At least it is good digital content and much cheaper than the alternative. Takes up a lot less room, too. That is not a small consideration for a pack rat like me. I ‘m going to do it. I ‘m going to sign up for the paid version of the app for a month and reassess at the end of my subscription. I didn’t get sued yesterday, so let’s try again today. Give me an excelsior!