All posts by Noob of All Trades

Shawn Lucas is the self identified "Noob of All Trades". He is married and the father of three boys, two of whom help with their own podcast every couple of months. Raised on Atari, Nintendo, and Sega, he enjoys all games and will play all of them to the best of his ability, which is often average at best. Currently, he is most interested in Magic, Heroclix, and other games that he can play with Chris and his sons.
Snap *censored* Pop Culture

Last Minute (But No Less Ignorant) CFP Preview

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(Editor’s Note: We may be last minute on this preview, but we promise that it won’t be any less ignorant than our NFL coverage. Plus, this is 4 articles that we’re on deadline for and that’s gotta be some kind of record!)

In spite of the fact that I tried to swear off football, I have a friend that has become a bro date for much of the college football season. Like many of you, we had a bit of a falling out at the end of last year. I will spare you the details, but I’m sure you can fill in the blanks. It’s only relevant because of the college football playoff championship game tonight. Relax, I’m not going to talk about the healing power of sports. We just want to expand our influence this year and I figured college football would be the easiest since I’ve watched so much over the last few years.

Granted, it was sports that finally broke the ice again. He texted me about some daily fantasy contest he got entered into for winning his season long fantasy league. I got a similar invitation last year, but I bombed out of the daily contest and I haven’t tried since. I barely tolerate the week to week tinkering. I could never draft a new team and keep track of them weekly.

But, I digress. the point is that apparently football, not time, heals all wounds. At least, college football does. The NFL is mediocre at best and usually just boring. Yet another reason not to play daily fantasy football. Egad, my digressing has led to another digression. Stop me before I digress again!

Okay, enough of that stupidity. Notice that I did say “that”. If that’s your thing, relax. I’m sure there will be plenty of other stupidity. Before that happens, though, let’s see if we can’t approximate some serious analysis. After all, if we’re known for anything around here, it is taking silly games seriously.

Clemson

I have, inexplicably, been a fan of Clemson since I starting paying attention to college football in high school. I have no specific ties to the school or state. Heck, I spent the first few months thinking they were in California or Nevada because their stadium is in Death Valley. Maybe it was a color scheme thing that attracted me.

I do know that part of the reason I started following “the U” was their color scheme. Since there are so many colleges in the country, it offers a wider variety of colors, mascots, and uniforms. The internet was still a few years from being widely available to the public, so UniWatch wasn’t a thing. Damn, another missed opportunity. Oh, well.

Also, Under Armour wasn’t yet a thing, so uniforms hadn’t gone Oregon bananas yet. All he budding uniform nerds had was the occasional Hurricane “mascot” or weird orange based color scheme. Miami had the added bonus of having started to push the envelope a bit with their uniforms by changing up the block numbers to a more sleek design and adding stripes to their jerseys. I may be remembering this wrong and giving them more credit for being more pioneering than they actually were.

That was the other reason that teenage me found a kinship with Miami. They had personality. They had swagger. They had cocaine fueled parties with guns and other questionably legal activities. Okay, maybe that last one wasn’t great. But, the rest of it spoke to a renegade spirit that tried my hardest to rebel against the rebel my father claimed could not be done. Turns out, in many cases, that was true. But, I still had Miami.

So, what does any of this have to do with Clemson? Who knows? What does any of my ramblings have to do with anything? Well, I don’t remember Clemson being overly swagtastic, so it must have just been the orange and purple. Hey, who knows what lights up the pleasure center in a teenage boy’s brain. I mean, other than the obvious.

Whatever the reason, fandom of both Miami and Clemson have paid off recently. With the team of the college of my birth city (Pitt, to put it more simply) moving to the ACC, I can now claim both schools as home conference schools. While Miami has only flirted with their former greatness, Clemson has been consistently at the top of the polls for the past few years.

So, what does Clemson bring to the game? Clemson isn’t quite the machine of Alabama. Other than a loss against Pitt, they had close games against Troy and NC State. The game against the Wolfpack even went into overtime. But, they did win them and 9 others and the ACC championship to impress the committee enough for a number 3 ranking.

Well, they absolutely destroyed Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl to advance. They only lost that one game (to my wildly inconsistent Panthers, I feel compelled to mention again) all season, have a Heisman trophy candidate at quarterback, 6 All Americans on offense, 2 on defense, and are all orange for the game. Hey, as we’ve seen, uniforms matter.

Alabama

I’ve also been a big fan of Alabama. Hey, cut and paste that for future blackmail. Taken in context, it is damning enough. Taken out of context and I might lose my dirty stinking hippie liberal membership. Oh well, that’s a chance I will have to take to make my art.

After my explanation of my fandom of Clemson and Miami, it might even be more inexplicable why I’d be drawn to a team like Alabama. They are the team of solid color uniforms, always block numbers, tradition, jerk coaches, run oriented offenses, and everything antithetical to what Miami represented at the time. I even rooted for them in the Sugar Bowl against Miami in 1993. Hey, what can I say, I’m a complicated individual.

I will say that I’m no longer a fan of Alabama and it is only for one of those reasons above. Well, more accurately, I’m a fan of Alabama as a college football team. I am not a fan of Nick Saban as a college football coach. During this time when it felt like progressive ideas were taking over society and even starting to seep into the cathedral of college football, Nick Saban represents the old school methods that just need to go extinct already. That they still work so well represents an anathema to me and much of what I hold dear, especially as an aging dirty stinking hippie. And, yes, that is pretty much a metaphor for everything else, too. Hashtag, Snowflake.

So, what does Alabama bring to the game? Alabama is a machine. They churn out draft picks, All Americans, wins, national championships, and pretty much anything else you might equate with success in college football. Not many of their players are household names, at least not in my household, but they’ve won 26 games in a row. Like I said earlier, I may not like him, but he somehow gets results.

They are the defending national champions. They defeated Clemson in last year’s national championship game. They also have 8 All Americans on the team this year. It’s cliche to say, but also true. Note: I saw that statement recently and hated it so much that I just repeated it in a mocking tone. This is Alabama. They’re the best team in the country and it isn’t even close.

The pick: Everything says that I should pick Alabama and I think I’m going to have to do it even though it pains me to do so. I’m rooting for Clemson with every fiber of my being and it feels like they could be the kind of team that comes back to win the next year after losing barely the year before. However, this is not the time for such optimism. This is the age of crushing defeats and near hopelessness. The rebels might eventually win. For now, though, the empire rules with an iron fist.

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My Completely Ignorant NFL Coin Flip Weekend Preview

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(Editor’s Note: Look for a detailed analysis of the season preview after Super Bowl weekend. Also, we hope to expand our reach of ignorant sports coverage into college with a preview of the BCS Championship game before Monday. Holy cow, this is an actual editor’s note and not an attempted joke. We’re either losing our edge or attempting to go legit or both. Personally, I hope it’s neither.)

A couple of years ago, I had the idea to pick the NFL playoffs. I went 9-2, missing the Broncos/Indianapolis game and getting within a Beastmode touchdown of getting the Super Bowl right as a preseason pick. I took that success and was going to pick the games for last season (or this or both) against a coin and compare those records to “experts”. Why a coin, you may ask.

Well, I’m glad you asked. When faced with the prospect of picking Wild Card games in those playoffs, I made the offhand remark that the teams were so close that you might as well just flip a coin. This year seems less random, which is always dangerous, especially when discussing the NFL. As most games are decided by one score or less, there is no such thing as a sure thing. Except, eff the Patriots. I can guarantee that. 100%. Every time.

Oakland @ Houston (-3.5)

This game has the potential to be the worst playoff game in the history of the league. Look, I get that we live in a time when everything is either the best or the worst ever and there is no room for nuance. However, I’m not one for hyperbole. Let’s look at the evidence.

Oakland is a surprise team by making the playoffs after a fairly significant drought. That rarely ends well for a team. Their quarterback–a big reason that they are relevant again–got injured and they’re now relying on a far inferior back up. About the only team that can (and has) survived such a tragedy is New England. Eff the Pats.

Houston is the perpetually underperforming team that they always are. It’s just that this year, Indianapolis decided to give in to peer pressure and stink like the rest of the division. Houston didn’t lose their starting quarterback, but they might as well have with Brock Osweiler under center. They did, however, lose JJ Watt and I’ve heard less imaginative people call him the quarterback of their defense.

When you take all of that into consideration, I see no compelling reason to watch this game. Heck, I’m having trouble focusing enough to pick it.

My pick: What to you mean I have to pick it? Does that mean I have to watch it? Dear God, I hope not. Okay, I pick the Texans to get annihilated by the Pats round 2. Eff the Pats.

Detroit @ Seatttle (-8)

This game promises to be bad, but in an entirely different way. Then again, maybe it will have some of the same awfulness. Detroit somehow made the playoffs, even though they stink like the Raiders. Okay, I guess that’s only one similarity. It still promises a terrible game.

Seattle is one of the elite teams of the last 5 years. Detroits bores us to death every Thanksgiving Day for some reason. Seattle has a Super Bowl winning quarterback. Detroit has…a quarterback, I assume. I mean, they have to have at least one on the roster, right? Seattle has a home field advantage that is so notorious that people think a 7-1 year is akin to 5-3. Okay, that last one is a bit of a stretch. I know of one person (Cousin Sal) that made that calculus, but quoting “people that know things” is part of this post fact world.

My pick: No matter how much of an exaggeration that last “fact” is, Seattle should roll in this game.

Miami @ Pittsburgh (-10)

I usually spare you my pictures with witty captions in these sports article. I’m also not much of a selfie guy. However, this picture approximates my face when I saw that line for the Steelers.

Okay, Pittsburgh is my team. I know these guys and their tendencies because I watch them and pay attention. You’d think so, right? Nope. Similar to a trip to Pats (Eff the Pats) training camp a few years ago, I can only name 3 players on the team and one of them only because he inexplicably still plays for them (James Harrison). I’ve watched more college than NFL again this year and I was more excited about Pitt’s annual appearance in the Toilet Bowl than the Steelers making the playoffs.

However I did watch the “Christmas Day miracle” against the Rats. I kept saying during the game that they’d either lose that one and be eliminated or get destroyed by the Pats (Eff the Pats) in the AFC Championship. Recent events have diminished some of that optimism, but Vegas really likes the Steelers and other fans are afraid of them for some reason. I think it is all Antonio Brown and his fantasy prowess.

Okay, enough about the Steelers. The Dolphins are in the same situation as the Raiders with their starting quarterback. The only difference is that their starter is only minimally better than their backup. Also, they have the dirtiest player in the game, Ndamukong (I had to Google his name twice to spell it right) Suh. Okay, enough about the Dolphins.

My pick: I still think the Steelers will win this game, maybe even convincingly, but I’m much more worried about the Chefs round 2 than I was the Raiders 2 weeks ago.

New York Giants at Green Bay (-4.5)

Now we’re talking! This is a game that people are excited to watch. Not me, of course, but I’ve heard people say that it is the best game of the weekend. Eh, who knows. Maybe the social media hype will get me and I’ll pay attention to the game.

Chris and I were talking a few weeks ago and I said that it would be funny to see the Giants run the table again so that I could watch Pats fans poop their pants over losing to Eli once again because eff the Pats. He isn’t convinced that the Giants will make it that far, but I hold out hope. Apparently, the big news for the Giants this week is that Odell Beckham went to Miami or something? I have no idea. That’s all I could make out from captioned ESPN while I rode a stationary bike at the YMCA the other day.

As far as Green Bay is concerned, they have Aaron Rogers. He seems to have taken Peyton Manning’s place as the other guy to Tom Brady’s golden boy. He makes a ton of commercials and is still one of the best. Um, unlike Peyton, though, Rogers! seems to be doing it with duct tape and paper clips, MacGyver style. Other than Rogers!, I can’t name another player on the team, except for “blonde guy on defense who thinks he is Hulk Hogan, but isn’t Kevin Greene”.

My pick: I think I’ve picked all home teams, so I will pick this one as my odd ball. Giants in a close one. Start pooping, Pats fans.

Digital Playground

Stay off the Mean Streets

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(Editor’s Note: Hey, kid, come down this dark alley. I got some free card packs for ya.)

Instead of, once again, starting an article about Hearthstone with our undying hatred for the game, I will attempt a little positivity. I am positive that I hate every aspect of this game. There we go. I feel much better now that the positivity is flowing through this article and that I’ve balanced my chakras and stuff.

The latest expansion, Mean Streets of Gadgetzan, has only cemented my distaste. In fact, I feel like encasing this game in cement to sleep with the fishes. I haven’t even played it that much over the past few months. I checked out, mostly for good, during the height of aggro shaman and haven’t seen anything that makes me want to come back. I still “grind” to rank 20 for the card back and do the occasional quest with Tavern Brawl for the pack, but that’s the extent of my Hearthstone playing career recently.

To be honest (and I don’t know why I wouldn’t be honest about this), Duelyst has been my PC guilty card game pleasure. I have no strategy yet, so I don’t play competitively. However, they have a daily puzzle that rewards 5 gold and their quests are much more noob friendly, so I have been able to pick up some cards. Soon, I might try to build my own decks.

Well, this looks promising.

But, and I say this now with some trepidation, this article is about Hearthstone. So, what are the problems with Hearthstone? And, if the game is so bad, why is it so popular? Well, I will answer the second question first. Mainly, I start there because Liam and I just had the conversation last night and I’m proud of my conclusion. Mind you, it isn’t necessarily original, but I’m still proud of myself for tracing over connect the dots already completed by others. Hey, it’s the new American way, right?

For most people, Hearthstone is a nightmare to play. There is to much randomness built into the game. In addition, one of the primary spokespeople for the game promises that it will always be a focus because, he believes, that it adds to the skill cap. I still can’t square that circle. Then again, I’m not a programmer of a multi-million dollar gaming company. But, I digress. the result of this random nature of the game is that many players see it as inhibiting their progress in the game.

Some will (and have) argue this point, but they’re not wrong. If you are a weekend warrior in the game, the randomness is exaggerated and you will lose games because of it. This can be frustrating, so players stop playing. That’s what finally happened to me. Those who keep playing are the ones who have the time and money to invest in the game and play for hours at a time. Over the long haul, the randomness evens out and eventually you can even outgain it if you “git gud” at the game.

Okay, after that display of skill, here’s where it all comes together. Many of those players and Hearthstone have benefited from the rise of Twitch as an entertainment platform. the game is visually pleasing, has sometimes entertaining sound bites, and usually compelling gameplay. To make a long story short (too late!), for most people, it is much more fun to watch than to play. It joins games like Starcraft and LoL (though those games have a much higher skill cap) as spectator driven games. Viola! A game that many people don’t like is still very popular.

Now, other than randomness, what is so bad about the game? Well, I said that I bailed when aggro (and more specifically face) shaman was popular. The strategy, if you can call it that, consisted of spamming minions to the board and hitting the opponent in the face. After some nerfs, this deck eventually morphed into a more midrange one. That meta was initially more interesting as it was more about outvaluing the opponent instead of strictly punching face. However, as tends to happen, the net deckers took over and that was literally the only deck being played.

Enter the expansion! Enter new cards! Enter a new meta with new decks and a new class! While the last comment is intended to be a joke, in reality, the whole thing is a joke. Sure, priest is now viable when it wasn’t before. Yes, there are new cards and technically new decks. You know there’s a however coming here, right?

Psyche! Instead of a however, I’m coming at you with a big but!

But, the most powerful “new” deck is just a variation of an old deck (Renolock), many of the other new decks are simply carbon copies of one another (pirate *fill in the blank*), and miracle rogue is still a thing. So, Chris had a point when he said that the game won’t ever be much more than a card version of Rock ’em, Sock ’em Robots.

Bear in mind that I have not played the game for any significant amount o f time over the last few months and I am sick of it. I can only imagine how badly it triggers people who actually play the game every time they hear, “Who goes there?!” *Cannon* “I’m in charge, now!” as they face yet another stupid pirate deck. Personally, it might drive me to murder.

Just more evidence that Blizzard doesn’t give a crap as long as people continue throwing money at this stupid game.

You’re natural reaction at this point might be to ask if there is any reason at all to play the game. In all honesty, my answer is no. If you haven’t been playing and enjoying the game, there is nothing in this expansion that will entice you to want to start or return. i’m going to stick with my plan of taking free stuff and getting better at Duelyst. I’m also on break, so who knows? Maybe Chris and I can get together for some Magic and I can focus my energy on a real card game.

Pros: Um, yeah, about that. We always try to find the positive in games, but this one has exhausted even my good will. I mean Tavern Brawl is sometimes fun and the occasional Arena can give good rewards.

Cons: If you like repetitive gameplay, facing the same deck (no matter the class choice) over and over, and a lack of creativity in general, then Hearthstone is for you. I don’t, and the game is getting so monotonous that I’m even having trouble watching it.

The verdict: There are so many other card games to occupy your time. My advice is to play one of them instead.

Digital Playground

Old is the New New

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(Editor’s Note: Remember when…)

A few months ago, I saw an advertisement for an official Nintendo authorized mini NES. It comes programmed with 30 classic Nintendo games like Super Mario Bros 1-3, Metroid, and the Legend of Zelda. Regular readers of the page (welcome back to both of you!) will know why I mentioned those specific three games. They will also be shocked to hear that I have no intention of buying the console. I know! Believe me, I am just as shocked as you. This goes against everything that I hold dear about Nintendo. I am a traitor and a fraud! *loud noises*

For those who are new to the page, welcome! As always, I hope you enjoy yourselves and come back for more. To explain the end of that paragaph, I have often said that Nintendo need only release a Mario, Zelda, and Metroid game on a system and I will buy it. Heck, often times, they can just rerelease an old game via their Virtual Console and I’ll still buy it. But, I’m not doing it this time. My reasons are numerous enough that I won’t go into them, but the main reason is that I already own those games and can play them through questionably legal emulators.

The reason that I bring it up is that I did my version of research for this article and discovered a similar retro style Genesis system. now, I’m probably not going to buy that one either–because, emulators–but it got me thinking. I know, I know. What doesn’t get me thinking, right? What can I say? I have an active mind and I tend to follow it down every dark path it takes me. Sometimes it pays off. Other times, I get eaten by a grue. The best part is that we all get to find out what happens this time together.

As long as we stay out of the basement, we should be safe.

Neither of these should come as a big surprise. I’ve always known that nostalgia is big business. Well, perhaps, “always” is stretching it. Ever since I watched MTV (was it even MTV or am I remembering it incorrectly?) try to force nostalgia on our generation by attempting to revive Woodstock in the 90s and early 2000s, I knew that companies were in the business of exploiting memories for monetary gain.

It’s weird that I’m experiencing it first hand. When faced with the prospect of a strictly financially motivated Woodstock, even as a rebellious teen I was insulted. You’d think that I’d be even more insulted that it is my own memories that are now for sale. But, I’m not.

I’m mostly ambivalent about the phenomenon, as my attitude about the retro systems clearly shows. In other cases, I’m actually excited about, enjoying, and contributing to the commercialization. New Star Wars and Rocky movies that are little more than retelling the original story? Sign me up! An endless stream of Marvel entertainment in the form of movies and TV shows? Pleas, Sir, can I have some more? 2D Mario games? Pokemon on my phone? A new version of Blood Bowl and Mutant League Football? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

Y’all got any more of that nostalgia?

This all begs the question, “Why was I more offended by the appropriation of a music festival that happened before I was even a twinkle in my parents’ eyes than by exploitation of my own childhood?” I think that I already know the answer, but I will give each theory the proper diligent analysis. It’s the least that I can do as a man of logic and reason. Plus, I have a reputation to uphold as far as word counts are concerned. Truthfully, and with some shame, I have to admit that I’m more worried about maintaining the second reputation under the guise of the first.

Wait, what?

Nothing. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

These are the kinds of references you get when you are a theater dad.

So, allow me to present my logical and well reasoned arguments. Maybe I was too overcome with emotion to even notice. Take back to a simpler time when I didn’t have to worry about anything other than cereal and morning cartoons, I worried only about those things. This theory loses steam rather quickly. It is true that I was initially overcome with a deep sense of nostalgia as soon as the opening scrawl rolled on Star Wars. Creed took a little longer to trigger, but eventually I came around. I excitedly analyzed Creed’s fighting style, noting his weak side and that hte fight scenes exposed that consistently through the movie. However, through it all, I still recognized that they were feeding us the same storyline in both movies.

At least Star Trek had the decency to admit that the characters were the same and made no pretense of originality. It felt that much fresher when the storyline took a bit of a different turn and incorporated Leonard Nimoy into the movie. Maybe the Star Trek experience jaded me to the others because I already knew the trick going into them. In any case, I knew that they were manipulating me and I didn’t care.

Another possibility that exists is that I noticed the manipulation, but that I overlooked it because I am a proud father who wants to share these things with my children. This theory already holds more water than the first because I just spent a paragraph explaining that I noticed the manipulation. Now, I just have to spend another paragraph explaining why my love for my children did not overshadow that knowledge and set up the big reveal of the actual reason that I have concluded to explain this seeming contradiction.

The game is afoot. No reason for this picture other than I have an unhealthy man crush on Benedict Cumberbatch.

First, and this shouldn’t need to be said, but I will because this is the internet and everyone misinterprets on the internet. I do love my children. I know that it’s a controversial stance, but dammit, I’m not backing down. I also want to share these things from my own childhood with them. So, I suppose that is another point in favor of this theory. However, that love and desire to share did not obscure my ability (as seen in the previous paragraphs), nor recognize, nor care about the corruption of my youth by the darker forces of capitalism.

And, finally, we come to a conclusion. I leave it to you to judge if it is a satisfying one or not. My parents are hippies. “Long hair, freaky people need not apply” hippies. They owned the Woodstock on vinyl and I heard the album many times through their lens. I always felt that the original Woodstock was a pure expression of a love of music and humanity. When MTV brought the festival back, it felt like a perversion of that love in the name of money.

My childhood made no pretense of love for humanity or art. Comics, movies, cartoons, and even the cereal that I loved so much was only in existence to sell more comics, movies, action figures, and cereal. The whole lot of it was just one big commercial aimed at kids and their parents to spend, spend, spend. So, it was pretty much par for the course when the new money grab started up and targeted my paycheck and made the attempt to grab my kids for the long haul. Of course, all of this could be complete nonsense, but it’s how I’ve interpreted the situation.

What do you think?

On the Tabletop

I’m on a Boat!

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(Editor’s Note: Every time I think I’m out, Chris pulls me right back in.)

(Editor’s Note 2: The first standard tournament on Star City Games after the release of this set was filled with these types of jokes. I’m not hip enough to actually know the source of the joke. I am just hip enough to understand that it is a joke and to chuckle when I hear it. We truly live in a wondrous time.)

I was out. Way out. Orbiting the planet with plans to travel to Mars out. In the past when I’ve been out, I’ve stayed connected through tournaments on Twitch. I wasn’t even doing that this time. Chris had a group that he played modern with, so I wasn’t even as inspired to keep connected for our monthly nerd nights. I honestly thought that I might be done with the hobby.

That all changed with Kaladesh spoilers. The set looked so much different from anything else they’ve released recently. While the story is just as depressing as recent sets, the art direction is much more bright and cheerful. Though, as I said to Chris, “The next set is called Aether Revolt”, so it is only a matter of time before the Eldrazi or Phyrexians or Phyrexdrazi return to bring the pain. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I did have too much fun playing with this card in the first duels game against the computer.
I did have too much fun playing with this card in the first duels game against the computer.

My actual return to the game started with a draft. Let me explain. Before you think that I’ve evolved from an awkward Caterpie to a Social Butterfree, it was only between me and Chris. Unlike him, I have little to no use for constructed Magic. It is always the same decks and strategies with almost no room for imaginations. Once decks are found that work, they are set. Vintage is Eldrazi or Shops (sometimes both) and Jace. Legacy is Miracles or bust (and, by extension Jace) and modern is all about comboing out by turn four. I don’t mind watching them, but I don’t know if I’ll ever play any of those formats. I used to say the same about Standard, but there are some interesting control decks that are evolving in the format. I might try some of hem if I can ever get the computer set up long enough to use xMage.

Draft doesn’t have that problem. Since you open fresh packs per person, everyone is on an even field with respect to availability of cards. Well, still to busy or nervous or both to make it out to an actual store with other people to play, I started researching ways that Chris and I might be able to draft. I admit that I didn’t have much hope for our prospects.

Magic is traditionally between two players, but the limited formats always seem to favor between 6 and 8. Imagine how pleasantly surprised I was to find several two player draft possibilities. I settled on Winchester and Chris went along with it after I explained to him how it worked. I made a date to play, grabbed the appropriate amount of packs, and got to it.

Once again, Shaun of the Dead offers the best advice.
Once again, Shaun of the Dead offers the best advice.

For those who are interested, we chose a Winchester draft according to these rules. (Edit: The page that I got the rules from seems to no longer be active. Guess that means that we can write our own. Look for that soon!) This removed much of the mystery and strategy of not knowing what cards were chosen. We further removed any of the unknown by keeping our choices face up. Honestly, though, most of the surprise was gone simply by having only two players.

Don’t interpret that to mean that we didn’t have fun or that there was no challenge. Quite the opposite. I still found it quite challenging to find the cards to build a deck from my half of the hodge podge of cards presented by the 6 packs. The games were fun, too I’m almost positive that Chris felt the same way because he agreed to redraft and then to get together after Kaladesh release to do it all again.

That draft got me back into the game, but Kaladesh cemented my interest and has kept me coming back for more. I watched the first SCG event after the release and even watched the top 8 of the GP. I’m glad that I did because control was on full display in those matches and I’m a huge control fan.

I love the games that go on for time and then need turns after to settle. Clog the board to stave off defeat and then crush your opponent’s will in the late game. Blue Magic is the only true Magic!

I mean, look at that board and this is a draft.
I mean, look at that board and this is a draft.

That’s what I did to Chris in our two Kaladesh head to head drafts. It is tough to do a pure control build in draft unless you get a bomb (we didn’t), but I put together a decent Esper-ish (mostly UB with a splash of W for Dovin Baan) deck that stabilized after a sizzling opener by Chris. Not overly impressed by the card, Dovin Baan actually helped greatly.

I don’t remember if we redrafted this time. I should really start keeping a record of these things if I’m going to report out on them. In any case, I had Dovin Baan in both games. The second game went much like the first game expect Chris got me much lower much fater in that one before I stabilized. Also, Dovin Baan wasn’t as integral in my plan. We was more of the “win more” card I expected him to be when I first saw him.

He does blue things and some white things, so I was pretty happy to durdle along with this chap.
He does blue things and some white things, so I was pretty happy to durdle along with this chap.

Kaladesh more than lived up to my expectations. That’s saying something because I had high hopes for the set. It did not disappoint and was fun to play as a draft set. More surprising, the set got me to watch Standard and even get excited about the format. As Chris agreed when I texted him that I wanted to watch Standard and was excited for it, “That never happens.” Heck, I even clicked on Wizard’s link for “Standard show down” when it popped up in my feed. I’m not going to enter, but I considered it briefly, so that’s something.

Finally, and least important to everyone but me, I have started collecting again. I took my spending money from the last few checks to buy boxes and fat packs of the sets that I missed during my break from the game. After the holidays, I plan to do some singles shopping to fill out my binders. I will also have to buy Aether Revolt.

As much as I’ve ever been, I am back into the Magic scene. I’m not going to be entering any tournaments (but, as always, I might to a draft or two), but I am watching them. I’m not building competitive decks (though I have proxied a Legacy/Modern dredge deck that I might try to construct), but I do have 3 fun Tiny Leaders decks and ideas for others plus a few Commander decks. Who knows? I may grow bored again or find some other expensive distraction. For now, though, I am completely and totally invested in Magic.

Digital Playground

El jefe es muerto! Vive el jefe!

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(Editor’s Note: It is bad enough that Steam runs regular season sales. Now that I have discovered Humble Bundle, I’m destined to live the rest of my life in poverty. At least I won’t have enough money to do anything besides play through my massive back log of games.)

A few months ago, Humble Bundle offered Tropico 4 for free for some reason. Never one to turn down cheap–or, in this case, free–games, I got the code and loaded it into my Steam account. I have been using my tank Acer laptop. While it survives almost everything, it can’t run even the most basic game. Therefore, my treasure remained unplayed until I was able to upgrade the desktop to a respectable gaming PC.

Well, I am sorry to report that it still remains largely unplayed. I downloaded it and have been working through the tutorial, but the computer is having issues. Randomly, it will freeze and buzz. The frustrating part is that there is no BSOD. At least in that case, I could Google the error code and have a starting point. Instead, Googleing “Windows 10 freeze and buzz” has produced results ranging from bad memory (tested, but more on that later) to a sound control conflict (tested). I also removed a second monitor because it might have been an HDMI adapter conflict (nope!) The last possibility is that it is overheating. I will check that soon because so far I’m enjoying what I’ve played of the game and want to provide an in depth review. An update: I checked temps and it isn’t that, either. I think that it might just be an issue with Windows 10 at this point. Next step, installing Windows 7. Ihate the Windows monopoly.

Who would have ever guessed that someone would actually miss the blue screen of death? I guess it's true what they say. You don't truly appreciate what you have until it's gone.
Who would have ever guessed that someone would actually miss the blue screen of death? I guess it’s true what they say. You don’t truly appreciate what you have until it’s gone.

Okay, an update. I downloaded the image file for Windows 7 and downgraded the computer. I say “downgraded”, but so far it has been upgraded to an actual working computer. A little more than 24 hours and I am happy to report no freezing and no buzzing, so that’s a positive development. Hopefully, it isn’t just a hiccup and I can get to playing some SimCity with Banana Republic flavor.

I’m happy to report that they “pepper” that “flavor” in just the right mix of “seasoning” to create the perfect “recipe”. Holy, cow, that was a lot of wordplay in one sentence. I might need to take a break afte that one. No! I’m strong enough to power through. The fans need me.

The game opens with an “everything is fine” splash page of a hot air balloon accompanied by a quote from a famous historical leader like GWB saying, “This would be so much easier if it was a dictatorship.” (Note: This is not a political statement. It is simply the only one my brain remembers right now.)

Okay, so maybe it was a sneaky political statement, but if you've been following the page, you already know that.
Okay, so maybe it was a sneaky political statement, but if you’ve been following the page, you already know that.

The loading screen fades, predictably into the game menu. I clicked on the “tutorial” option. I’m not sure why I did so. I almost never play though the tutorial of any game and I’ve played so many of these city building type games–especially since they are so revalent on mobile–that I’m pretty sure that I’ve got the basic idea of city building games. You build cities, right?

However I ended up in the tutorial, I was driven by the same strange compulsion to finish it. Even as the first set of missions took me through the very basics of camera control and city building, I continued to click through to mission set #2.

What kept me coming back for more inulting tutorial game play? That banana republic flavor, Man!. The AI guides you through this abuse with the simulated voice of your mentor, Generallisimo Santana. The vignettes between missions are humorous enough to keep even this jaded old man gamer scrolling in and out.

Besides, we have our own wannabe dictator that we need to prepare for. I assure you, this is not a political statement.
Besides, we have our own wannabe dictator that we need to prepare for. I assure you, this is not a political statement.

Final Note (I hope): Well, the freezing came back and I had no idea that I was able to skip over tutorial missions that I had played before. Therefore, I must have played through the first mission at least a dozen times in between restarts and fits of swearing. However, I have finally figured out what the problem is and it had nothing to do with anything other than a faulty RAM stick. So, about checking that as I said earlier…apparently, I hadn’t done so thoroughly or properly.

The remaining tutorial missions offer no surprises and simply cover the rest of the mechanics unique to these types of games. But, the voice and humor alone made it worth my while to play through them even if they taught me nothing.

The tutorials got me into the game and they got me interested in the game. I guess, on that front, they did their jobs. I’ve found another game to occupy the free time that I don’t really have. Seriously, though, if you are like me and don’t have the money to spend on Civ 6 right now, you are tired of the city building games in your library, but you still want control over thousands of expendable virtual lives (that somehow become like family, at least to me), then drop the 15 bucks for Tropico 4. They also have a collector’s edition with addons for $30. I haven’t played any of them yet (another article idea!), so I can’t recommend them as of this article.

If you’re really cheap, you can wait for it to be included in a Humble Bundle–or maybe as one of their free deals again–or buy Tropico 3 for 99 cents. Again, I can’t vouch for that game, but what do you have to lose other than a buck and a few megs of hard drive space? Heck, you could get 3, 4, and 5 for less than Civ 6. And people wonder why I do my video game shopping in the clearance section. I need money for my newly rediscovered Magic habit.

Viva la resistance! No, wait, that’s not right. Vive el jefe!

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My Completely Ignorant NFL ~3/4 Season Report

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(Editor’s Note: Who the hell does an NFL 3/4 season report? Well, we’re notorious for doing things differently around here. Plus, I’m perpetually late on even self imposed deadlines, so here it is.)

AFC East(I picked: Pats, Dolphins, Jets, Bills)

Well, I only flipped the Jets and the Bills in my preseason picks, but I was terribly wrong about the Bills. Either that, or the NFL is just terrible this year and the both the Dolphins and Bills are taking advantage of that and making things interesting by hovering around .500 and threatening to make the playoffs. I only thought that the Dolphins might be decent enough to make some noise. My exact quote was that I wanted to relegate the other teams to a lesser league like the premier league. That still applies to the Jets.

AFC West (I picked KC, SD, Denver, Oakland)

I was way wrong here. I mean, the Chiefs are only a game out of first, but I thought that this was going to be another dumpster fire of a division and again, 3 out of the 4 teams are over .500 and by 2 games or more. Oakland is one game off from Dallas for the best record in the league and San Diego is chilling in the basement while their city decides if they even want to keep the team.

AFC North (I picked Cincy, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Browns)

This used to be my home division back when I followed football more closely, so you think that I’d have a better handle on it than the rest of the league. Nope. 2016 has just been the horrible, terrible, very bad year and it extends to my picks this year. Oh well, I guess that’s what we get for living to see the Red Sox, White Sox, and Cubs win a World Series. The universe is exacting karmic retribution. Only good thing I can say is that my Steelers are leading the division (by default, but I’ll take it) and the Browns haven’t won a game just like I said they wouldn’t.

AFC South (I picked Colts, Texans, Titans, Jags)

Flip flopped–fitting in an election year–the top two teams, but to be fair, I think I said that I was sick of picking Houston as my “it” team and having them poop in their pants. Well, to be fair, they are still pooping, just not completely in their pants this year. The Titans eat their boogers and the Jaguars are still smelly fart butts. Sorry, due to time constraints, I commissioned this part of the article to my 5 year old. But, I’m back. At least we can always count on the AFC South to always stink.

NFC East (I picked Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Racist Owners)

Not only was I wrong about the order, but I was wrong about the division completely. The NFC East is back and now we have to listen to all the talking heads wax poetic about how it is the best division in football, the rivalry games are so intense, and generally do a boring job of the only thing that they’re being paid to do. Dammit, this was supposed to be the year that progress marched forward all over the sins of the past, and here we are.

NFC West (I picked Cardinals, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams)

If any team is indicative of the NFL this year, it is the Rams. They are a terrible team, nobody in the city cares that they exist, but a few people pretend to pay attention and think that it is an entertaining product because of misplaced nostalgia. Somehow, they are just good enough to keep those people coming back. Yeah, I got this one pretty wrong, too.

NFC North (I picked Packers, Viking, Bears, Lions)

I need to pick an “expert” to compare my picks with next year. Hopefully, he will do worse than I have so that I can point my finger and laugh that the guy doing this for fun performed better than the guy getting paid to do it. Because, it is getting boring for me to keep saying that I was wrong and I’m sure it is equally, if not more so, for you to keep reading it. Then again, maybe you’re laughing at the guy who took time out of his busy schedule to not only write a preview of a league that he barely even watches anymore, but came back 3 months to revisit those predictions and learn that maybe if you’re going to write about something, you should know a bit about it, Dummy. If so, I’ll take it. If you can’t be right, at least be entertaining.

NFC South (I picked Panthers, Bucs, Saints, and Falcons)

We have mercifully reached the end of the article and can put this poor thing out of its misery. As one last hope (no, it hasn’t been completely smothered under the weight of all this greatness yet), I will say that I’ve only flipped the first and the last team in this division, there are 6 games left in the season, and only 2 games separate those two teams, so there is still a chance for Carolina to get hot. With our luck this year, that hotness will cause them to catch fire and burn down both Southern divisions. Then again, maybe that will be a good thing and it will improve the quality of the league.

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Lights! Camera! Rawr!

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(Editor’s Note: Please keep arms and legs inside of the vehicle at all times. If you don’t, they very well might get eaten.)

We are releasing the first episode of “Little Kid Podcast” this week. Yes, finally, for sure. I promise! As I often do, I started talking about dinosaurs last week and I’m going to finish up with this post about the Jurassic World movie. We have spent many hours in an attempt to beat the game 100% and the movie made quite an impression on him. Even though he’s growing up, he’s still our paleontologist in training and some part of him always will be. Dammit. I always say that I’m not going to miss it when they’re young, but I’m starting to tear up a little thinking that he won’t always be little Mr. Dinosaur.

I found myself in charge of three boys over the summer. This is not out of the ordinary. However, one of them was not mine and I was alone for the night. I can’t remember where my wife was, but Aiden had a friend over for his birthday and we swapped Liam and him for the night. I promise that all of this is relevant to the point of this post.

First, we tried watching Jurassic World a few months before and made it to the part in the movie where (spoiler alert!) the Indominous Rex went nuts and killed a bunch of people. Liam, who is very sensitive to that sort of violence, freaked out a bit. Even though some of you might consider that an overreaction, I can sympathize. I couldn’t watch We Were Soldiers, don’t watch Game of Thrones, and stopped watching The Walking Dead (far in advance of the most recent episode that has people in a bunch) because of gratuitous violence. As I said to a friend, I can get good story lines without it. So, since Liam was at his friend’s house and Quinn is so obsessed with dinosaurs, I thought it might be cool to try to watch it again. Also, I was getting close to bed time and all three were getting a bit rambunctious, so it had the added bonus of hopefully calming them down. I’m happy to report success on both fronts. We made ith through the whole movie and all boys enjoyed it enough to go to bed without incident.

Okay, story time over, so I will give my review of the movie. I am a huge fan of the original Jurassic Park. I was careful not to say series there. I loved the first two books and the first movie. I watched the second movie on the strength of the first, but quit and never watched the third. By the time, news of the fourth one surfaced, I was checked out completely.

More recently, I read that the original plot of the 4th movie involved human/dinosaur hybrids. I don’t remember if we knew that information when the movie was first announced. Either way, I’m glad that they never made that movie and that they waited so long to give the idea some time to few new and fresh again. Go back to what people loved, play on their nostalgia, and hook a new generation through their kids. It worked for Rocky and Star Wars.

Because, let’s be real. Each of these sequels is actually the original movie remade in every case. Sure, they changed some details to keep those of us who already saw it interested, but the overall plots are identical. Mind you, I’m not saying that the movies are bad. I saw all three of them and thought they were all entertaining. However, I’d be lying to say that I missed the obvious similarities. So, why spend time watching a movie you’ve already seen? While I am the type that doesn’t mind repeated viewings, I understand that some of you aren’t as forgiving. So, I will try to give you some incentive to see an old remake of a way older movie.

Is it too obvious to say that it is a good movie? It’s probably too obvious to say that it is a good movie. Of course you think it is a good movie, you reply. Why else would you be recommending it? Okay, I get your point. That being said, it is a good movie. I will stop being lazy and get more specific in my praise.

Pros

  • New Dinosaur – Though the name is pretty stupid and the prototype human/dinosaur hybrid with a bazooka in his chest is beyond ridiculous, the rest of the Indominous Rex story line was well executed. They used the time honored monster movie trope of not showing the monster right away. They did it right, with just enough time for the big reveal that made it satisfying. Plus, the kids love the dang thing so much they wanted to pool their money to buy the Lego set with the Indominous in it.
  • Raptors – I don’t remember when the velociraptors became the unoffical face of the franchise. I do know that the T-Rex was in the logo for the first one and Spinosaurus in the 3rd one (I know that from the Lego video game), then Indominous for the new one. But, the raptors have absolutely stolen the show and they are the reason that people keep coming back. I think it is because they show the most intelligence and people think of them as scaly carnivorous puppies.
  • Owen – I, like most people, have loved this guy since he was the goofball on Parks and Recreation. Then, he went and took one of my favorite comic book characters from my youth and gave him the utmost respect in Guardians of the Galaxy. Now, he is the lovable raptor trainer in Jurassic World. This guy is just having so much fun playing pretend and dress up and one of the few actors I know who could upstage the raptors as the main attraction in his scenes.

Cons

  • A bit violent – I’ve already covered Liam’s meltdown during the Indominous attack scene. Other than that, there is dinosaur on dinosaur violence, other dinosaur on human violence, and just a much more bloody movie than I remember the first two being. I’m not sure if that is just a reflection of the society or a conscious effort to ramp up the gore for some reason. Just be warned if you are concerned about that sort of thing.
  • Other characters – Other than Owen, the characters in the movie are either boring, one dimensional, or both. They certainly don’t have the same personalities as the first film. Look, I know that they’re selling CGI dinosaurs, but would it have killed them to flesh out the characters just a bit more. Who knows? Maybe they expected this one to flop and they could kill the franchise once and for all. Not likely, but stranger things have happened. I guess we’ll find out if the next one comes out and we are still “treated” to cardboard cutouts instead of living, breathing human beings.

Even with the drawbacks, which are minimal when compared to other movies and TV shows out there, the movie is a good one. I’ve watched it twice. It inspired us to play the Lego video game and buy a couple of the Lego sets to play together. If you haven’t seen it yet, give it a watch before exposing to younger or more sensitive kids. If you determine that it is acceptable, enjoy the ride!

Digital Playground

Quick Hits: Jurassic World Mobile

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(Editor’s Note: Aw, wook at the widdle bitty dinosaurs. Aren’t they just the cutest? Can I pet one? AAAAAAAUUUUUGH!)

I wrote in my “what I did” article that I played a lot of mobile games over the summer. I never considered my phone as a gaming device. In the past, I always played on tablets. I guess that I thought the small screen might make games unplayable. It certainly makes typing very difficult. Autocorrect and predictive typing are not merely responses to typographical errors. They are necessary to the preservation of the written (well, typed, I suppose) language.

After my latest screen related mishap with my tablet, I had no choice. Okay, that isn’t true. I could have replaced the screen again. But, really, what is the point. The tablet is 5 years old. This is the second time that I’ve replaced the screen. The most recent screen lasted only a few months before meeting a tragic end. I can take a hint, Universe. She’s buried with all of my other dearly departed electronics.

Are you there Hal? It's me M4|?94|?3+. Why have you forsaken us?
Are you there Hal? It’s me M4|?94|?3+. Why have you forsaken us?

I think I started by downloading SimCity Build It onto my phone as a test I’ve become alarmingly addicted to the game to the point of paying cash money for virtual goods. I swore that I would never do such a thing, but that’s the power of those tiny gibberish speaking digital beings. I spite of my reservations, the game played perfetly on the small screen.

I followed up with my other mobile obsession, Magic the Gathering: Puzzle Quest. I even played some Hearthstone. I know, but it is gone now because it takes up a ridiculous amount of space and the fun to space ratio was far too low to make it worth my while. I also tried a few other games, but none of them interested me for very long. Then, Quinn mentioned a Jurassic Park game that I should play.

I didn’t realize that there were two games and I downloaded Jurassic World when he was talking about Jurassic Park. I later downloaded Jurassic Park, but I have yet to play it. Therefore, I don’t know what the differences, if any, there are between the two. I will focus primarily on Jurassic World this time.

Pros

+ Impressive graphics for a mobile game

+ Interesting, though hastily written storyline with accompanying quests.

+ A combat system that seems easy at first, but does require some thought and strategy.

+ Probably the most generous free to play game I’ve ever played. A free pack every six hours contains a dinosaur about half the time.

Cons

– constantly tries to sell you packs

– PVP, if that’s your thing, is limited.

– Even though they improved it, the VIP club is still not worth the money.

Overall, the positives outweigh the negatives. Jurassic World Mobile is a good game. Whether you are a collector that has to catch ’em all, a questing adventurer who wants to play through the thin story, or a mighty PVP champion seeking the glory of the arena, the game will keep you busy on one level or another for some time. At least, it is worth a download and try.

Digital Playground

65 Million Lego Bricks in the Making

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(Editor’s Note: Rawr.)

We get back into the podcast game with the first episode of Little Kid Podcast, starring my youngest son. He wanted to talk about dinosaurs in the first episode, so this week’s theme overall will be dinosaurs. I will start the discussion with one of our favorite games over the past few months.

We’ve always been fans of the Lego games. So, naturally, after watching Jurassic World (more on that Friday), we had to try the game. I ordered it from Gamefly, as I do when we want to try before buying them. Hey, we’re cheap gamers!

It took me a while to finally get around to play the game. Aiden, Quinn, and LIam hogged it for the first month or so. More accurately, Quinn and Aiden played the game daily with Liam jumping in every now and then to help out. I didn’t start playing until they needed help on a particularly difficult mission. Once I played the game, I was hooked.

How can you not love a game that lets you stomp through the credits and collect coins as a dinosaur?
How can you not love a game that lets you stomp through the credits and collect coins as a dinosaur?

This should not come as a surprise. I have been playing Lego video games since I discovered Lego Star Wars on the Playstation 2 many years ago. However, the early games left much to be desired in the gameplay department. First, and they quickly fixed this, the original games had only one save slot. That became quickly apparent when the boys went to play the game and erased my almost 100% complete game file. I finally did finish the game 100%, but that’s still a pain in the neck.

As an aside, Pokemon games still only have one slot for save games. Numerous times I’v wanted to start a game only to realize that I will have to delete Liam’s or Aiden’s hard earned progress. Otherwise, I have to buy a new version of the game. And that’s really what they hope will happen.

Must catch them all. The Pikachus command it. Must put them all in a basket and apply lotion. The Pikachus command it.
Must catch them all. The Pikachus command it. Must put them all in a basket and apply lotion. The Pikachus command it.

Thank goodness that the Lego games learned from that mistake and fixed it. I will say that they are one of the best developers when it comes to fixing their games. The only other one I know of that tinkers as much publicly is Blizzard and their “balance” patches are sketchy at best for some of their games. Take Two doesn’t have that problem. Every change is necessary, in my opinion, and addresses a valid complaint.

First, these games are meant to be played cooperatively with your kids. I’ve already mentioned that they asked me and Liam to help them with difficult parts. Sure, you can plant them in front of the electronic babysitter and call it a day, but they will get to parts in the games that are difficult and frustrating for them. Hell, some of them are downright impossible because they were tough for me. When playing with a young child, the main frustration in the game comes from only being allowed to travel as far as the other player will allow you. When that player is constantly running into the “wall” at the other edge of the screen, you lose interest very quickly.

An artist's rendering of the offense, which used to be punishable by unplugging the controller.
An artist’s rendering of the offense, which used to be punishable by unplugging the controller. Then again, most offenses were punishable by unplugging the controller. The more serious offenses, of course, warranted a full reset of the console.

In order to prevent a plague of unplugged controllers and reset consoles, Lego fixed this issue by splitting the screen when one player gets to far away from the other. This broke the tether completely and allowed both players to explore the entire map independent of what wall your partner decides is his best friend. Makes the games infinitely more enjoyable and they were already illegal levels of fun.

The final quality of life improvement in the games is that they’ve made the main stage of the game more interactive. It used to be that they were mostly just for moving from level to level, occasionally hitting things for coins, or creating your character. But, they’ve added secret places, characters wander through the area and allow you to purchase them to play in the game, and even have their own missions to complete.

Overall, the Lego games have come a long way in the time that I’ve been playing them. Instead of resting on their laurels and pumping out game after game with the exact same graphics, story, and gameplay, Take Two continues to improve the game with each new release. The graphics get better, the controls get slightly more responsive, and the gameplay gets better by leaps and bounds. If you are someone who swore off the Lego games due to the limitations of the original releases, come back and play them again. You won’t be disappointed. And, if you are, go back to play some more Call of Duty: Good Luck with the VA department when you retire or whatever the latest version of that run down series is called.

Couldn't resist taking a shot. Yep, we're back!
Couldn’t resist taking a shot. Yep, we’re back!