Introduction

Welcome to 2019 NFL Week 14. The only football I watched last week was the Bills handing it to the Cowboys and I kept a close eye on the Patriots getting manhandled by a subpar Houston Texans team. That gives me some hope for this year. The Patriots have trouble with mobile quarterbacks and right now that’s pretty much all that the AFC has to offer. Either Houston, Baltimore, or KC if Mahomes is 100% will absolutely destroy the Pats in the playoffs this year. Happy birthday to me?

A few weeks ago, I decided to do away with the picks for this particular column. Instead, I’ve decided to do something slightly different with my previews. First it was what you should watch instead of each game, then in keeping with the sentiment, what each game made me thankful for. This week, inspired by a single such stat, I’m going to come up with a weird stat/fact for each game. So, without anymore fanfare, on with 2019 NFL Week 14.

Toilet Bowls

Miami at New York Jets – Fun Fact: Miami could have been the first team with a winless and undefeated regular season. They screwed that up by winning a couple of weeks ago and now it looks like they might actually be trying.

Cincinnati at Cleveland – Fun Fact: The rivers in Ohio and Pennsylvania used to be so polluted that they would catch on fire. I have no idea what about this game made me think about that particular fact.

Washington at Green Bay – Fun Fact: Follow the link for the Wikipedia page for the top 50 wealthiest senators. Consider that at least 50% (and the list stops at 8.6 million or something) of senators are millionaires. Now, consider that they are supposed to be your representatives. Someone worth over 100 million dollars surely understands and legislates on behalf of the struggle to pay my water bill on time.

New York Giants at Philadelphia – Fun Fact: I just ran the ESPN Playoff simulator because I noticed that all of the teams in this division could finish 6-10. In that case, I was hoping that the Giants, at 2-10 could run the table and win the division. Unfortunately, Dallas would win. But a 6-10 division winner would go a long way to exposing this farce of a league, so let’s hope for the worst.

Tennessee at Vegas – Fun Fact: I know that the Raiders don’t play in Vegas yet. But, they might as well. Would anyone in Oakland, Los Angeles, or London miss them if they moved today?

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay – Fun Fact: Jameis Winston is quite possibly the best bad quarterback or the worst good quarterback in the league. Either way, the NFL is so desperate for QBs that he will most certainly make 100s of millions of dollars this offseason. Think about that the next time you cash a paycheck.

If they’re on, you’ll watch

Los Angeles Chargers at Jacksonville – Fun Fact? Speaking of teams living where they don’t belong and aren’t wanted, the Chargers are the kid who was granted to the father. The father is having a midlife crisis. He moves in with a younger girlfriend. She doesn’t respect him. She just wants his money. But, he stays because he also thinks it impresses his friends. It doesn’t.

Denver at Houston – Fun Fact: Denver is the Mile High City. Denver is in Colorado. Colorado was one of the first states to legalize weed. That’s the set up. You can fill in the punchline.

Detroit at Minnesota – Fun Fact: Barry Sanders was a featured guest on the Detroit Thanksgiving Day game. Frank Gore recently passed him on the all time list. Never mind how surprised I am that Frank Gore is still playing. It took him 222 games to get there. Sanders did it in 153. Simply amazing.

Carolina at Atlanta – Fun Fact: I don’t even know who Carolina’s quarterback is at this point. Oh, okay. I just looked it up and now I understand the “Allen #2” reference on Simmons and Sal. I guess you do learn something new every day.

Now You’re Interested

Pittsburgh at Arizona – Fun Fact: Once upon a time the Steelers and the Cardinals had to merge teams. I don’t remember the exact circumstances. However, as a sometimes Steelers fan, I wouldn’t mind doing so this year just to have Kyler Murray.

Seattle at Los Angeles Rams – Fun Fact: Once upon a time, I was talking to a friend and he said something about Seattle’s football team. I looked at him, in all earnestness, and said, “Seattle has a football team?” It isn’t that bad, but I’m much more invested in the Sounders than the Seahawks.

Kansas City at New England – Fun Fact: Chris is a New England fan. You’d think that with my “Eff the Pats” routine, there might be some friction. However, he’s a genuine fan. Not a “you hate us if you ain’t us” guy. So, we get along. Also, he texted me, without prompting, “KC will destroy NE.” I didn’t agree 100%, but it would be nice to throw Pats nation into a panic with 2 losses in a row.

San Francisco at New Orleans: Fun Fact: Chris and I both have either San Fran or Seattle in the Super Bowl this year against Baltimore. I think we are both leaning harder to Seattle, but either team would be fun. Just as long as it isn’t the Pats. Eff the Pats.

Game of the Week

Baltimore at Buffalo – Fun Fact: This is the only fact that I actually came into this article with an idea of what to write. Hopefully it is was worth the wait. Buffalo, in second place, currently has a better record than half of the division leaders. That second place makes them a 5th seed in the AFC. Tell me more about how the NFL is America’s favorite because it’s a meritocracy.

The Verdict

2019 NFL Week 14 isn’t too bad, actually. I’m all in on both the Bills/Ravens and SF/NO. It will be fun to see if KC really can effectively end the Pats season. Pittsburgh and Arizona will hopefully extend the farce that is the Steelers for this season. The rest of the games are the usual poop fest that the NFL has become.

Note: All teams and the single logo used on this web page are the property of the NFL. They are used without consent (written or otherwise), but only in good fun. If you’re feeling litigious, please refrain from throwing your vast legal resources at this small page that caters to my kids, Chris (Hi Chris!) and about 25 Russian bots (Hi Sergei!).